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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry dh threw cup of tea

394 replies

cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:30

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed Shock

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 23/01/2017 14:54

Yup, it's all about you.

I suspect your DH is terrified of disagreeing or saying no to you, and only sticks around, misguidedly, to try and protect the children from you.

It would take years and so much work on your part for you to gain his confidence to allow him to truly be himself, stick up for himself, express an opinion that differs from yours... but you seem to think a massage tonight'll cut it Confused.

He'll probably stick around for the next 15 years for your unborn child, until he's a shadow of himself, and if you're lucky, by then he will be so fucking worn down from years of your your abuse that he won't ever be able to leave.

cleo81 · 23/01/2017 14:55

What did he think you were snapping about? Without the context it's hard to say.

If you were at home I think it was mean of you to ask him to take dcs to school. I would have done it. Perhaps that put him in a bad mood as doesn't sound very supportive.

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2017 14:57

You haven't once mentioned the effect of your temper on the kids. This started when the first was born and they're now school age.

Not a word about them.

ExplodedCloud · 23/01/2017 14:57

So much stuff going on. Stop seeing your abusive family. Family bonds do not require you to accept abuse. DH is not required to accept yours.
If you got like this after your first dc is it related to that? Emotionally Or physically? You had dc, he had to stay so no need to try, sleep deprivation leading to snapping, PND, anxiety, not coping somehow?
Action from you is needed to make a real change. Not self pity. Maybe meds in the short term to give DH & dc some respite while you fix this

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2017 14:59

"I go to visit my terminally ill mother and they're always there so they get to see me and dh and the kids a lot."
Gaahh! So phone her instead. And if she insists you subject yourself to being in their company - say no.

Jaysis · 23/01/2017 15:00

I grew up with a poor communication model and had to relearn how to effectively communicate as an adult.

This analogy helped me in my relationship:

Imagine your relationship, your home life is a precious vase - one of a kind - like, maybe a Ming vase. Now, with precious things, you protect it. Respect it, keep it safe. You put it somewhere safe where the kids cant get it. You are careful how you look after it. You are gentle because it's fragile and beautiful and irreplaceable.

But instead of putting it on a high shelf, you leave it lying around. Every time you knock that vase over, or leave it on the coffee table to be knocked to the ground by the dog or children, it cracks. You glue the chipped piece back on, and it looks perfect. Almost.

Over time, because you don't protect your priceless vase, it get more and more chips and cracks. And someday, all the glue in the world wont be enough to hold it together. You'll sit there on the floor crying because it's in smithereens around you and its past the point of fixing.

Your relationship /home life is the vase. Each time you snap, lose your temper, call them a name, accuse them of something, a permanent crack or chip happens. Glueing it together with a massage or being nice for a day might be a temporary fix, but the crack is still there. Right now, you are there with the glue, and your DH might be just looking at all the cracks and can barely see the beauty any more from all the glue.

You need to find ways to communicate without anger and with respect. Otherwise you will lose your DH and your kids, if you are not already on the verge of that already. Find someone to talk to. Do the work and make the changes.

diddl · 23/01/2017 15:00

At least if you didn't used to be like this & have learned the behaviour then you can also unlearn it.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

Where was she when you were being bullied/abused?

I'm afraid I'd probably not be visiting her when any of the brothers were there.

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2017 15:01

All I get from the OPs responses is feeling sorry for herself and worried the DH will leave or not love her.

No empathy about what he must be feeling in work right now, just irritation he's not responding positively yet to her texts.

FFS.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 23/01/2017 15:03

I'm just this awful, broken person with a horrible childhood and an inability to love or be loved

No, you can change this. Whether he'll stay or not, I don't know. But you can change this. You have to be honest with yourself, you have to make conscious efforts to remain calm, to walk away when you feel irritation building and to calm yourself down. It is possible, but you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get real.

Lorelei76 · 23/01/2017 15:04

Oh and offering a massage is bizarre in this situation. No wonder he's pissed off.

Atenco · 23/01/2017 15:05

But im not wonderful am I? I'm just this awful, broken person with a horrible childhood and an inability to love or be loved

I'm afraid what impressed me is that instead of learning from your past, which cannot be changed, you are inflicting the same problem on your own children.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2017 15:08

I'm just this awful, broken person with a horrible childhood and an inability to love or be loved

Apfelbunny · 23/01/2017 15:09

Playing advocate to the devil here, my dh sounds similar anger wise to op and I've noticed i get moments of rage similar to ops dh, I think blaming op or saying they are nightmarish won't help. Op needs to find a happy place and apologize and their dh needs to do the same.

Both sit, talk, have a coffee in silence to think, talk again then sleep in it, reflect on it and talk about how they can support one another.

(Disclaimer - I haven't read the whole post, just page 1 and the latest one)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 15:12

Disclaimer - I haven't read the whole post, just page 1 and the latest one

Maybe you should RTFT then unless you want to minimise abusive behaviour by the OP

PollytheDolly · 23/01/2017 15:15

But im not wonderful am I? I'm just this awful, broken person with a horrible childhood and an inability to love or be loved

Oh dear.

You are throwing a pity party and only you're invited.

Stop that. A lot of us have had "interesting" childhoods. Mine has defined me, but I made sure in a good way. You can do that too.

lifetothefull · 23/01/2017 15:18

This is hard. Don't give up on the changes you are trying to make. This incident is probably showing you that you need to do more than stop the anger, but also put in some more positive speech. It will probably sound false at first, but give it a go. Speak kindly to him. Say sorry for winding him up. Well done for holding it in and not screaming and swearing down the phone. You can do it.

ChairRider4 · 23/01/2017 15:19

Hell I had a shit childhood ,my brother is now in prison for 12 years for what did to me and I hardly see my mother due to it my choices

And I feel sorry for your DH and DC and consider lucky he stuck around because if other way people be screaming for him to take the kids and leave

.Harsh while it sounds yes it affects you I don't deny that
but there comes a time when you need to stop the circle because right now your children will see wAy you are and think that's acceptable

Apfelbunny · 23/01/2017 15:25

Ive skimmed it, it's a flipping long thread to read and I've other things to do, like look after my kids (this is my brief break while they nap).
Honestly, swap the roles and it's how my life feels at times. There are obviously good times too, but I feel where he'd dh is coming from as it's pretty much me.

Equally, I can't help but be forgiving to some extent if someone recognises their problem and actively tries to make things better. I only posted as there seem to be a lot of replies just putting op down and that's not going to help anyone or anything is it?

pudding21 · 23/01/2017 15:31

OP its not all about you, you need to examine why he did this and address your issues. Sounds like he got to the end of his tether. I am in this situation in reverse and to be honest with you its soul destroying. Sounds like he gives a lot to you and you just throw it in his face. Being made to feel like you do nothing right, its a shitty way to live.

You can carry on being angry about it, or try and resolve the underlying issues you have.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 15:31

I only posted as there seem to be a lot of replies just putting op down and that's not going to help anyone or anything is it?

I assure you that many posters would be using much stronger words than they have been if the DH was the one that was being abusive to DC and his DW.

sarahnova69 · 23/01/2017 15:39

I can't help but be forgiving to some extent if someone recognises their problem and actively tries to make things better.

I am in general very willing to extend clemency to someone who is struggling but trying their best, but OP's posts generally show someone with her head still stuck firmly in the sand about the extent of her issues, and whose "actively trying" seems to amount to having had a few sessions of counselling about something else, and just sort of abstractly thinking about being nicer. She hasn't sought out individual counselling or anger management, she hasn't taken prescribed medication, and bluntly put, her posts have a self-centred worldview.

If she wants to save her marriage, what she is currently doing isn't good enough. Speaking abusively and contemptuously is completely normalised to her - a chat and a resolve to do better in future is going to be like pissing into a rainstorm. Yes, I and others are speaking strong words to her, but it's in the service of getting her to realise that she can either lose her marriage, or she can take getting help a LOT more seriously than she has done thus far.

Bloomed · 23/01/2017 15:45

I understand where you're coming from OP. It sounds like you blow up angrily at your DH because it's safe to do so, while not quite standing up to/completely removing yourself from your family bullies, who really deserve the wrath. Sounds like it's time to change that dynamic as it will be confusing to your DC too.

GinIsIn · 23/01/2017 15:49

Being brutally honest, it sounds like you are more interested in giving us a sob story to make us pity you than in proactively fixing your behaviour.

You had a bad childhood, you feel your family were abusive, but that is the setting you are creating now for your own family.

So what steps are you going to put in place now to make a change? Concrete actions will serve you better than self-pity. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/01/2017 15:54

How will you feel when your DC have their own relationships and you see them acting this way will you understand that you became the people that did this to you

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 15:57

If you feel you have changed since having DCs, maybe something about that was triggering for you. Maybe you broke free from your past when you left home and met DP, but having children dragged you back mentally to that place where if you do not aggressively bully everyone around you, then you will be bullied.

Well done for going to CBT, for listening to people on here who have shown you things from DPs point of view. Keep listening to him. Try not to get angry when he tells you something you don't like.