Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

I so hate being in the position that my DH had an EA with a young woman 11 years ago (one sided according to him) and I only found out 3 months ago by finding stuff he had written for her , that I simply am finding it hard to get over. I don't hate him, I do care about him but I simply just can't think in the same way about him and can feel myself totally tensing on anything physical and thinking get it over with, it's no way to bloody live, I don't have kids at home anymore but do have the issue of my job going out the window if I leave as we work together . I have been to IC, tried just to not think about it but the fact that at the time he wrote about everything will be ok if you will be there for me etc is very hard to just 'forget' I'm giving it 6 months and if I still feel the same I think I have to call it a day.

NowFor - That seems to be a really common theme here. Lots of husbands that completely bury their heads in the sand.

DH and I have had so many talks (led by me) about how we're not working and how unhappy I am. Things between us have only got worse and worse after each one. And yet every time he's still surprised I felt the need to bring it up again.

Why is there no simple solution when marriages break down. I am now expected to live with him for another god knows how long. Geez!

Iron can you both go to joint counselling to try to sort out where you are now and how best to move forward?

Oh Iron I really feel for you - I asked H last weekend to go to counselling. I had even emailed a counsellor to set up an appointment but he refused. I said 'even though you can see this is what I really really want?!' And he dodged the question. He says we can sort it out without counselling. He said if we go he will be 'picked on' the entire time... how the f**k did I end up with such a manchild?!
to all those who are stronger and braver than me and to you iron x

Big development here - DH has asked for us to go to mediation to sort out child custody. He hadn't mentioned anything in weeks so I thought he was burying his head in the sand again but obviously not.

Makes it all felt much more real in a way that I obviously want, but is also quite terrifying.

That's great news Lego.
Addled I feel the same I have a man child . I told him awhile ago that I don't feel like we married just house mates and he said it all in my head . But I think he is aware now that I am right and now he is playing the I'm depressed card on me . He keeps saying he is suffering with a " little depression " . He has prioritiesed work over me and the kids in the last 15 years . I have spent so many evening and holidays alone . He does not care for his health his hygiene for the past 20 years and now suddenly he thinks by telling me he misses me at night that I'm going to go back . I don't love him anymore , I feel trapped but still afraid if I tell him I want separation that he will go to pieces . I'm also scared he will lawyer up hard as he deals with them all the time in work .

Great news Lego.
Sad - he played the "it's all me" trump card with me on Saturday. Also told me the solicitor had mis-advised me about him moving out - wherever he needs to; a one bed flat, shared house. Solicitor stated that "it's not my problem". I'm just not sure how long I can live like this - sleeping on the sofa, coming home being polite, one child's behaviour through the roof as they are picking up on my utter sadness and anger.
I continually rack my brain for a solution.

Iron is there no way you can move to another room . Sleeping on couch is not great . Can you bunk in with the kids even .

Iron, it's stunningly stupid of him, does he imagine he's going to win you over with his behaviour? It's bullying...stay calm, be logical and tell him he's mistaken...stand your ground, how old are dcs? Can you tell them in a way they will understand? It will probably be relief as it was fear of unknown with my Dds...good luck and hugs, you will get there.

Well things are moving along, abeit v slowly.
Got my car in my name at last (was in hs name as I was self employed when I bought and finance company wouldnt accept me even though I put down a hefty deposit and pay the monthly instalments). That was liberating as h has told me a few times it was easier in his name and couldnt be changed. I snapped and did it myself with zero problem so now MY car that I pay for is in MY name! (This prob sounds daft but financially I feel invisible sometimes!)
Second major achievement is I have sent off paperwork to register my interest on our house with the land registry. A major gripe of mine was that again as I was self employed when we moved the mortgage was only in hs name even though I do and always paid half the mortgage. H doesnt know I have done this so expecting a major strop when he gets a letter from land registry informing him.
Third major thing is that I applied for tax credits at the end of January this year and have just sent off additional records they needed to prove my self employment ( I work 2 part time jobs to fit around dcs school and hs shifts) so I am still waiting to hear if I am entitled to anything. As soon as I know I will then initiate 'the talk' with h as I can present some options re living arrangements etc. He will be so upset and I want to make it as amicable as possible.
I am at the point of just wanting to move out and start over. For the first time in years he is asking if I want to redecorate the living room, buy new cushions etc and I cannot be bothered, if I am doing that I want it to be for my own place ifkwim?? I am usually the decorater, diy-er and buyer of house stuff and refuse to do it anymore for others benefit when he usually does sod all but gets all the perks. That prob sounds petty but I am sick of doing all the grunt work for others. (Obviously dont mind doing that for dc).
I am constantly looking at current rentals in the area as I will be initiating the separation and dont think it would be fair to expect h to leave, although long term he will have to as I dont think he would want to pay mortgage for this place on his own aswell as buying me out.
Phew, sorry for the ramble, have no-one else to discuss this with as most of my friends start looking uncomfortable if I mention it and jy mum has made it clear she thinks I should just plod on for dcs sake. X

Hi all. How is everyone? Hurley, iron, sad, ruddy, Lego, que who have I missed?
Been very up one day down another here emotionally. The house is getting there and dh has been helpful with diy and has given me a payout for half of the house contents. It sounds simple but it's been stress and a lot of biting lips to get here. On the minus side I've fallen out with my Mum, stupidly not about the split but another friend, ex friend now's, treatment towards me that she's defending. I'm probably being sensitive but it's really hurt me that my Mum won't support me and thinks I must be in the wrong. Still my mates are fab, the others, family is always up and down but still upsetting.
I'm finding everyone finding out about me and dhs'split difficult whereas dh is taking it in his stride and seems far more chilled than he was pre going public. I think it's that inequality of people's reactions to a male as opposed to the female and the way the inequality of gender is highlighted in such situations which has always irritated me, knowing as I do how much women do in general and how much we hold things together while men can operate two dimensionally and be rewarded for it and empathised with. Don't get me started and it's only the beginning of the weekend.

Hello I was on earlier versions of this thread as terrifiedandregretful. I've lost my login details for that name but somebody from this thread pm'd me and I'd love to get back in touch. I moved out last year but now considering going back. It would be easier if we hated each other I think!

Hi qumcat. Welcome. You must have been on quite a journey. Do you think you made a mistake or is it just too hard?

Hi Shandy and qumcat...
Shandy it's great to hear things are progressing with house, it's so frustrating and disappointing about your mum..I'm not in much contact with my family, cut it few years ago wen I realised it was toxic, mother and 3sisters are chronic gossips..so when my mother contacted me recently to 'offer condolences re split' it was rapidly turned to berating me about how she, unlike me, always put her husband first, and how damaged my Dds will be....hmm, not quite how I see things lol. Parents are basically fools sometimes, and her opinion is worth less to me than the cats. Sorry bout rant!
My stbxh moved 5wks ago now, people still finding out, most expect me to be upset but I think I'm totally fine as it's what I wanted for so long. Life is easier so far, although he's being very unreliable about having girls, his house is chaos. That worries me as if he continues like that his kids are not keen to see him...I wonder if that is a common scenario , where dh is all talk bout getting to see dcs, but in reality is too self centred and disorganised to make it happen...

Things moving very slowly here. I'm due to move out with kids mid April. It's hard living together and feel like I'm stuck in limbo. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

I wrote a long update earlier and my phone crashed
We hadn't actually spoken to each other bar a few grunts for over a month which is quite an achievement when you live in the same house! During that time was also ds birthday which he had a great time despite his dad and I not talking. Dh actually bought his own presents and card which was a bit of a shock as I'd tried to keep things as normal as possible.

Dh broke the ice the other day which makes things a bit easier at home but his opening sentence was 'I know you've changed but I can't believe how rude you are'! I won't go into all the petty and rude things he's been doing for the last month or so but safe to say he's clutching at straws to make himself feel better
Had paperwork from solicitors last week with draft letters she is going to send him saying I want a divorce. First letter says he has 14 days to respond regarding divorce and second says he has 28 days to disclose financial information. I've approved drafts so they will be sent out next week which will kick things off at home again.
I just want things done sooner rather than later at the moment. He's been off work on holiday all last week and I just dreaded coming home every night from work
Bit rambled I know but safe to say things are starting to move now finally
hurley what are you saying to people about the split? I know it's no one's business but feel I will have to give some explanation!

Hi Shandy. I'm actually managing quite well on my own, and xp and I are definitely friends not lovers, but we also spend so much time together that it often seems like such a waste of money being separated. The dread for me is also when DD goes to school I will barely see her as she is with xp at the weekends. But I hate the thought of him only having her alternate weekends as well as one of the reasons I stayed with him for so long was I knew how great a dad he would be! I'm bad at decisions at the best of times, I've managed to just swap indecision in the relationship to indecision out of it!

Qumqat that sounds tough. It's always an adjustment when children move on and get further from us, take care, it's a hard journey both ways.
Miss hi. Well done for your great progress and for speakingish.
It always astounds me how two people can live together and not really talk although that's just that is happening to me.

Ladies, sometimes getting a rented home can be difficult without references etc. Open rent allows you to deal directly with the landlord and no estate agent fees. You may have to pay for references but that's a lot less than EA fees (around £20 I think). My daughter used Open rent and found a property quickly and due to being able to speak direct to the landlord and explain her situation he was really fab helping her to pay the bond monthly rather than in one large chunk. Hope this helps.

sadallthetime - DD has invited me to sleep with her tonight so I have just got in with her. She likes me to stroke her hair. My Dad told me I should buy a sofa bed. I will have to at this rate.
Hurley - thanks for the hugs and support.
Ruddy - I also got to the stage where I just stopped doing all of the stuff I do - house diy, buying stuff. House is a hole at the minute, a constantly running bathroom tap I refuse to 'sort'.
Shandy - I fell out with my Mum in August. She was a complete bitch to me. We have hardly spoken and she 'loves' him so I haven't even bothered to tell her what's going on. I hope things have improved for you.
qum - I think I remember you. Good to hear from you and read your story
Hurley - sounds like things are going well- really happy for you. Gives me hope!
BadHair - I bet you are counting down the days!
MissWhat - will he have to move out when the papers come though? Mine will not leave so wondered if this might be an option...

So, shitty weeks keep passing by, seems like a bloody lifetime. Hate coming home, being around him, doing stuff 'together'. He wants me to buy him a one bed house (buy to let) and pay me the rent. Could be a way to get rid but not so sure...

Hope you are all ok Unhappy Posters and Lurkers..

Oh iron you sound so down

Letters haven't come for him from solicitors so hopefully today. I think it's going to be a big shock for him when they do and don't think he believes I'm actually going to go through with this.
I've sent my points for UB for divorce petition to solicitor and she says they are fine so will be starting drafting for me. I feel strangely excited but scared as this is actually starting to happen!
Had a bit of a realisation last night. I don't think I have ever really loved dh. Very sad thought when you've been together 15 years and have 2 kids together. I think I may get some personal counselling after all this. I realised that I am so independent and have never truly relied or felt I've been able to lean on someone the way you should when in a relationship. We made a good team but as 2 individuals.. not as a husband and wife partnership. Deep and meaningful soul searching going on with me today!
Really starting to think about when to tell dc about the split. Don't know when is going to be best to tell them?

Misswhat I feel exactly the same! I am worried I am too independent for a relationship, we have never been a partnership or had a particularly close relationship. I think this is partly down to me because I keep people at arms length but he has never tried to get closer and the emotional and physical gap has just widened.
Me and the kids should be moving mid April so we are going to tell them next weekend. I didn't see any benefit in telling them too soon but ex wanted to tell them straight away. I am dreading telling them, I think they will be devestated.

misswhat. I am pretty down but trying to be upbeat at work. I am going to see my Dad at half 6. I just hate all the politeness and the continuing saga... I'm so, so over it.

badhair house isn't on the market yet but should be shortly. Don't want to just spring it on the kids and week later it's all happening but don't want to tell too in advance as will brood on it (especially ds)