Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

• April not May.

Bad I feel the same. It's a wrench to move as split even though I know we can't keep going.
I think everyone else's questioning and shock doesn't help.
Did you get the finances sorted? I haven't still which isn't helping.

Hello all, not posted for few weeks, stbxh moved out just over 3 wks ago now...dds and myself are totally fine...done lots of little jobs in our previously neglected home, feels bloody great. I'm not tense, irritable and grumpy now as I don't feel frustrated and taken advantage of anymore...if something needs doing its up to me now. Meanwhile he still doesn't have mattresses on beds or food in cupboards for his dds visiting...Although he claimed he wanted them there ' all the time '. And he's walked dogs twice... None of which is a surprise, he's an incompetent stbxh, main reason for stbxh status.
I very much recommend you do it ladies, ignore the blustering financial threats, usually don't have a shaky leg to stand on. Just being bullies.

Que - Thank you.
Hotwater - stbex is a twat you are well away.
Shandy - thanks so much.
Badhair - I am yet to have this conversation.
Hurley - lovely to see your post and gives me hope.

What a crappy weekend. Friday night we got quite drunk and I guess it's a last ditch attempt that keeps creeping in. I mentioned that I had got the coil fitted and the next day he said "is that so I can shag men?". Was pretty pissed off with that as I had it fitted as 1. he had refused to get a vasectomy and 2. To regulate my extremely heavy periods. I found it charming that he said this. Then he had a massive go at me last night because I mentioned separation again. I am so, so fed up. I feel empty, drained and a horrible person. I am finding it really hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel.

So - feeling extremely nervous and apprehensive about my solicitor's appointment tomorrow. Not sure what questions to ask and the six reasons of separation.

 to everyone posting and lurking.

Hurley - another vote of thanks for the hope. I've just had another final conversation re finances and split of the kids and we've actually come to an agreement. He's still pushing for having the kids full weekends and 3/4 not 2/3 days but has agreed maintenance and that we will split weekends with the odd full weekend on request.
I'm hoping this will be it and he doesn't backtrack that it was myagreement not his as he's done before.
I'm so relieved to be agreeing to me getting something. For today. Hurrah.
Iron - I wish you strength on your journey and Bad also, this is a hugely draining process. Exhausted.com. It's almost a relief to be physically exhausted these days as it makes a change to being mentally exhausted.

How do you go about telling husband you want to leave or separate. It's in my head everyday but I can't bear to see hurt look on his face or see him crying or worse still have him threaten to end it all .

Only one person in family knows we don't share a bedroom . And the kids of course . He is an introvert hardly any friends and his family are tiny . He works alone so he has no one really except me . But I'm slowly dying inside .

Can see me stuck here forever

Iron, hope it went well today..a step in right direction.
Sad, it's so true when you mentioned living in a mess as there is too much to do, think about and sort out..it might help to know that within the 3 wks since my stbxh moved out, I have calmly dealt with so many jobs that were put off for years before... Either I've fixed it, arranged for someone else to fix it wen I can afford to, binned it, donated it... Or cleaned it! It's been cathartic to say the least. I've found renewed energy to do this, because I don't feel drained..or resentful ( no more wiping a grown man's pee off the bloody toilet floor). In contrast he is living in a chaotic mess, his choice, apart from fact it's meant to be his dds'other home'..yeah.. Great, apart from fact that he's not organised mattresses for their beds etc. What a joke some ( not all) men are. Make your choice, don't feel guilty... Dcs will be happier out of a miserable atmosphere.

Thanks so much for thinking of me Hurley. Will update in a bit.

Oh I dream of a time when we're living separately. Hopefully in a few months? He's still acting like nothing's happening though. So get to do the conversation all over again once money stuff is sorted and it's possible to push it further.

This is what I posted in the divorce thread: Solicitor was keen to instruct but poss due to (earning) finances! Suggests I need to get house in my name and him to rent. I've already suggested this to him and he won't budge. Too much debt for any financial settlement so not sure really.
He is in complete denial and it is perfectly acceptable that I sleep on the sofa.

Iron, that's tough..he sounds a nightmare. You know ultimately he cannot force you to stay married to him, it might not be straightforward but you can be happy and out of this situation. We also have a lot of shared debt.. Used a fantastic debt management organisation called Stepchange to reign it all in a few years ago..now we split the payment. I hope you are not too disheartened..

Iron I can second Stepchange, we have loads of debt and I could never have moved with payments the way they were. Stepchange have got it down to a manageable amount and I can now afford to rent somewhere. Hopefully you can figure out other options.

Thanks I will look into it. I am feeling incredibly glum today.

We were with PayPlan who are similar. Going to them was one of the best things we ever did, they really do transform things.

I'm glum today as I've also been trying to figure out future finances etc and finding it hard – I wish I could be talking this through with him but he's also in denial and just ignores everything. If I never brought it up again he never would either and I'd still be sleeping on the sofa while we argued our way round every family trip in ten years' time.

What I would really like would be for him to leave (we rent, not own), but I suspect he'll be really anti that, it's not his choice for us to split so why should he leave his home? And our rent is low, so whoever leaves will pay more. But I'm self-employed so will find letting somewhere else much harder than him. Agh I just wish he'd engage with me on it all!

Friday afternoon on train from work. Starting to get pissed off with the situation now.. What was my favourite day of the week as most hated. It feel like I am going to prison. How sad is that?

Hope everyone's ok.

Yeah I'm the same. Enjoy the week, dread the weekends. Just wish it was all over.

It's mind numbing. I feel like I can't breathe. All polite. I honestly hate it. Glad I'm not the only one though lovely posters.

So I have done this.
Husband was fine/good dad/intelligent/handsome but no chemistry, emotionally or physically.
Hardest thing I've ever done and in nights like this when I'm on my own and miss my son ( we share joint custody)I cry and cry but I know I have done the right thing.
We only get one shot at life and I didn't want to realise I wasted it when I deserve more.
I mostly stay positive and we are co-parenting well, I am just getting used to being lonely sometimes - but if I am completely honest I was lonely often in my marriage so at least now I can start to make positive change.
Good luck ladies and follow your gut.
It took me 8 years to truly listen to mine.
Xxxx

Well done just dreadful. I'm almost there. Just the longest leaving in history trying to get house sorted and still on a shoestring.
It's going to be a major contrast of lifestyle for the kids.

Shandy, just remember your kids will be happier for it. I'm 4 wks down the line and they have told me it's so much better for them as I am not grumpy! There is no tension in home.. They get a happier mum. It amazes me how they sense moods so accurately..

Thank you Hurley.

I told the OH tonight. We'd had a sort-of argument earlier in the day and after DCs were in bed I asked if we could discuss.

Long story short I finally told him I don't love him. After years of being a coward I did it. Jesus I'm terrified now (not physically, just of what I've done and what comes next). He hates me. I've never had another human being look at me like that before. I feel like scum.

Bless you nowfor it's very hard. Let him digest it and think what you want next. Hugs.

You sound immensely brave NowFor. Well done.

Having a horrendous weekend. Kids are playing up. Told him about the solicitor last night. Asked him to move out.
First thing he said this morning was that he's not moving out as he can't afford to. I am running out of ideas.

I'm not brave. It was one moment of (Dutch) courage after years and years of cowardice.

I'm the ridiculous flighty one who keeps fucking up and thinks the grass is greener. He's the steady sensible one who loves the bones of me and hates what I'm doing to the DCs and him. Except I feel like he loves the bones of who I tried to be, not who I am. And eventually I just suffocated. It's really not his fault - I've just kicked this good man hard in the heart and despite the two Where Now? summits we've had in the last 18 months it seems like it was completely unexpected. (Last time he said he'd rather be alone than with someone who didn't love him. This time it's right out of the blue that I don't, apparently. I don't understand. How could he have thought we were OK?)

I haven't been a good partner. I know that. I know I'm probably immature and idiotic but god, I've been so fucking unhappy for so fucking long and I tried not to be. I really did.