Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

I think you need to be blunt. I found saying things like I'm not happy and we have drifted apart meant that he just didn't get the message. I have now gone for blunt and repeating the same phrase ' I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore, I am moving out' is the only thing that worked. I think he only took it seriously when I put a deposit down on a house to rent though. I think they need time to process things because it has come as a shock even when the relationship is awful.

sad that's awful. Maybe this sounds daft, but have you tried writing your thoughts down and showing him?

Welll I have just spent sometime reading all these messages and it just all resonates with me .

One thing in particular is the sucking of energy and hope. I have so much I want to to do and I just can't face it so I'm living in a mess . Feel bad for my dd but she seems happy enough and doesn't complain .

Today I've just been so down and alone all day . I would be happier living in a caravan

Ladies you are all super and thank you for not making me feel alone

Sad I know exactly what you mean by just living in the mess (physical and emotional for me) and getting more and more bogged down. Even if my partner promised to change everything about himself there are still too many layers of mess and problems to brush under the carpet or to ever work through. It is truly exhausting and there is no way out of it for me other than to walk away because I just don't love him anymore. I think I can live with guilt of disrupting my kids life but I couldn't live with the guilt of them thinking that the way we behave is a normal relationship. Stay strong.

I have thought of writing it down.

He said one day I MIGHT change but I don't want him to change anymore . I want him to go or me to go . I did think I could stick it out a few more years but I can't face it . Biggest fear is he will do something stupid . Has threatened in the past over money etc .

I just need courage . My daughter doing gcse this year so I won't rock the boat before then .

Hi all,
Thank God I found this board. I've been having a read and many of you are and have gone through what I've been going through. I told my dh today that I wasn't happy and that I'd like to take a break. I've been fed up for a good couple of years if I'm honest and he knows that but has chosen to ignore it. I've recently met an OM who has awakened something in me I didn't even know I still had in me. I haven't felt guilty about it as I've been so happy. Even though I know its going nowhere with OM, I felt it signified a wake up call to deal with what is basically a non-marriage. It also showed me how lonely I've been. Me and dh have had sex about twice in as many years and I just don't even feel anything romantic towards him.
He's really devastated but I feel as though this isn't really out of the blue. We neither of us can afford to move out and he is at home with the DDs all week whereas I work full time so I'm dependant on him for that. We've decided to sleep in separate rooms for a while and get on with our own lives. I'm not sure what will happen.

Mme, Sad, Bad and Ab hi. I'm further down the line than you but I just can't believe, and yet I can, how many unfeeling dhs there are out there. Yes they're all in denial, how convenient, they leave all the work to us, again.
I've asked my dh for my half of the house contents tonight and child maintenance and he's gone all cross and angry that I'm doing him over having previously agreed. I think I've messed up. He has thought nothing of spending £000s on himself in the last few months and has a vehicle worth pots, while mine is for the scrap, but he's knocking me down on everything re the house and wanting the kids 3/ 4 nights. I don't know what to do. We're not divorcing so I'm not claiming for the house. I don't know what to think. I'm desperate to keep things amicable but devastated at the thought of 4 nights without the kids and no money for my shanty house. This is so hard. Strength to us all.

Shandy that's awful. That is my worst nightmare about the kids, I really don't know what I would do. Do you think he really wants them 4 nights or is he just doing it to hurt you? My ex said that if he has the kids half the time then he doesn't have to pay maintainance, maybe that's what your ex is doing.

Shandy I hope you get your ducks in order. I'm lucky in one way as kids are older . And I work although would need to work longer hours . Also I have a pension and if I get the courage to split if we sold house I could move . However there is no way I could afford our house alone or to buy him out .

I think for now if I have courage to tell him I want out we could maybe live amicably as I moved into spare room about 18 months ago . He seems to have accepted that now . I don't go away with him as just can't bear it and I do my own thing . But I think he lives with head in clouds .

Been to see another solictor today for another free half hour
She just laughed at me when I said I'd offered him 50:50. I know I was being more than generous but unfortunately as he has given me no option to sort things amicably I am now going to have to do this officially.
My plan of action starts today!
I have the paperwork from the original solicitors so am going to email them over today at work to get the ball rolling in terms of divorce. I thought you couldn't start the proceedings whilst still under the same roof (and technically not separated) but she said it's fine and just date it the date we agreed to separate in January. Once things start moving that side in a few weeks I can arrange for the house to go on the market and the solictors will start pushing him to go to mediation. If he doesn't then I just need go and they will fill in a form to say it's not appropriate in our case.
He has done more underhand talking to Ds this weekend but nothing I can prove. Finding it very difficult not to get drawn into it but not fair on Ds so holding my head high and not retaliating.
Feeling so much more positive about things today
to all that need them xxxx

How is everyone doing? I am psyching myself up for solicitor on Tuesday and sorting paperwork. Been a strange week. Took the kids away on the weekend and didn't miss him. Got back and he hadn't lifted a finger. But I slumped again and felt guilty and like I should try again and it's not so bad - which just makes you feel like you're back to square one! Really, really tough.

Hope you're all good

Iron your doing really well, I think it is one step forward 2 steps back. I'm really struggling this week. I feel like he has finally accepted that I am leaving whether he agrees or not and where he was just refusing to talk to me before he is now quite angry. I don't move out until April so just have to try and keep everything calm for the kids. He is also saying that he won't give me any of the house and wants 50:50 of the kids, neither of them will happen but I feel like he is just trying to exhaust me with arguments so in too tired to leave. Roll on April!

Badhair dies he own the house . Surely you own half ? Can he do that ?

I'm kind of a bit more settled at the moment but I'm busy.

I get what poster said who says it's easy to think things are not so bad . Afraid of upsetting the apple cart I guess

Sorry iron you said it . That's how I feel too this week .

Just feels like it's all me I guess. He's happy to carry on letting me sleep on the sofa and never mentioning anything, has never mentioned anything since we had the 'separation' talk last few days of December.

Same story here Iron. We watch TV together in the evening and then he goes up to bed while I settle in on the sofa. If I never mentioned it again I'm sure he wouldn't either.

At least financial things are moving on, if slowly, so I'll be able to push the 'next steps' conversation in a month or so.

Got home and they are out so managed to sort paperwork, locate marriage cert so he should have no idea.

I really am so fed up I know this is the right way forward.

No we own it jointly. I have said he can stay in it until our youngest is 18 which is 12 years away and then either sell or buy me out. He said he doesn't think I will be entitled to anything if I leave the house which I don't think is true but I don't know what percentage I would be entitled to in 12 years. We have paid the mortgage jointly and often when he hasn't been working I have paid it all.

It is very difficult living in your 'house' knowing you do not want to sleep in 'your bed' or even be in said house.

It is very fucking hard.

It is all so fucking hard - believe in yourselves everyone, be strong, trust your gut, be compassionate but calmly assert your feelings and needs. X

Hi Bad, I am staying in the family home until the youngest is 16 (3 years) and we have had it written into an agreement when we sell it will be 50:50 as although I'm paying the mortgage he is paying rent. I'm in Scotland though so law could be different.

Everyone else I am reading & keeping up to date. Lost so sorry counselling did not work but I suspect like me you are going to be so much happier. Iron keep going, you are so much further forward now & after Tuesday you can put a plan in action.

I've had a rollercoaster of a week. Found out my stbex has a girlfriend (fantastic as helps him move on), then find out been with her since mid December (so even when with her he has been giving me major grief about seeing someone), then he takes the kids on Thursday & introduced them! After 10 weeks. I'm starting to suspect it's more than 10 weeks, which to be honest doesn't bother me. I did get very very upset though (in private) when they came home from the meeting with a branded hoodie & tickets to see a sport. Felt like they had been bought 😕

Hotwaterbottle sorry to hear that . I wish my husband would find another woman so it gave me an out. He is trying hard to be more helpful ( slightly ) because he knows he has ruined our lives together . He is avoiding all confrontation and being reasonable .
I too hate my house and would love to move but at least I have a bedroom and am comfortable. Don't really know when to rock the boat .

Thanks Hotwater, that is a big help. I'm torn between just saying fine keep the house but it seems so unfair after paying a mortgage for 12 years. If we sold it now we would probably just break even and be able to pay off the mortgage, so he's saying it's not worth anything but the value will go up in the next 10 years. I think I need to see somebody about it but don't have any time until the Easter holidays.
That sounds really hard for you Sad. I think all of those firsts are going to hit us hard even though we know it's the right thing to do. Hopefully things will get easier for you.

Hi all. I'm getting my new house ready to move out although I'm not sure when that will be. There's an awful lot to do and it's all costing a lot. We're still negotiating finances which is making things difficult and means I'm on a shoestring. Thus I'd hard esp when moving to an old house and leaving all my lovely stuff. It's good and bad days for me. Sometimes I can do loads and talk about the situation and split other days I feel overwhelmed by it all and want to avoid any conversation bout it.
Love and strength to you all.
Iron good luck for Tuesday.

We had a proper talk last night. I was dreading it but we were both very calm and both said we just want what's best for the children. He said he sees no reason we need to fall out and can't get along as parents and I agreed. We are both very sad but I think we both know it's the end too and have accepted it. We have agreed to tell the kids next weekend and the just be as normal as possible at home until I move out in May. Strangely I feel heartbroken all over again because it seems so real.