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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
wheatchief · 21/01/2017 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 21/01/2017 16:54

It's old fashioned and no longer necessary, but etiquette none-the-less and says all manner of nice things about the guy that has nothing to do with him not respecting equality, assuming he earns more or wanting to treat the little woman.

OK but what 'nice things' does it say?

Offred · 21/01/2017 16:58

And as for your first point re 'angry women' and 'controlling men' I'm sure you see there is a real difference between someone trying to control a partner for personal gain and people being frustrated with ingrained social beliefs that perpetuate inequality...

HappyJanuary · 21/01/2017 19:39

I dislike people telling others how to think or feel or live, when they themselves are happy with their choices, particularly when it is dressed up as societal concern.

HappyJanuary · 21/01/2017 19:45

*OK, but what 'nice things' does it say?
*
When DS goes on first dates, he pays. He has three sisters and a single mother and I am confident that he does not consider women inferior in any way.

He would not object if a woman wanted to pay half, or all, of the bill. Yet he goes out with the expectation of paying.

I've just asked him why - he said he wants to present himself in the best light and feels that offering to pay shows him to be generous, considerate and kind.

Bant · 21/01/2017 19:48

offred Smile point taken,

But I wasn't saying that I don't know what to think. I think I posted earlier about what I do (I offer to pay because in 95% of cases I'm the one that asked for the date, so it's only fair to pay for it. If they want to go Dutch, I'll try and judge whether they're just offering to be polite, or if they feel uncomfortable about my paying for them. If I want to see them again, I'll say I don't mind paying. If they've bored me to tears for an hour with tales of their ex husband or their hatred for polish people, or I think they're just dating to get a free drink/meal and see me as a route to wining and dining, then I'll accept their offer)

So I'm not asking what to think, or what is the best behaviour. I'm comfortable with mine, and looking for someone I gel with.

I was just saying that no one on here has suggested that the woman pay for the whole first date. It's always either he pays for the first date, or half of it. Never none of it.

To me, that's not equality.

Offred · 21/01/2017 20:41

Bant - people have suggested taking turns to pay all and one said they wanted to pay.

Lots said always split, which is what I would do because then there is never an obligation to continue.

Happy - why do you think it is 'dressed up as societal concern' rather than simply something that just concerns people? And why did you need to ask your son? It was you who said that it said 'nice things' about men.

Bant · 21/01/2017 22:06

And I agree with the split, and I agree with let the man pay. Whatever suits the situation.

But, don't dress it up as equality, unless the woman is willing to pay for the man. Because the man is generally expecting to pay for the woman

(Apart from the ones who forgot their wallets, obviously)

If women are usually expecting to be paid for, then by definition men deserve to be paid more money.

If women expect to occasionally, but not always, split the bill, then the status quo continues. Men should usually, but not always, earn more. In order to be able to buy drinks for women they'll often not see again.

I'm not saying this is right, I'm saying that this is what women on here are arguing for.

Offred · 21/01/2017 22:07

Bant you do realise the answers are all from different women?

Offred · 21/01/2017 22:12

On a first date I wouldn't ever be prepared to pay or be paid for. I would always expect to split the bill. I don't want to enter into some kind of financial relationship with someone on a first date.

Don't know what is unequal about that?

But FYI in my last relationship I always paid all of everything - trips, meals etc because I am good with money and he was shit with it and I didn't want to never do anything nice.

Welshmaenad · 21/01/2017 23:06

Bant did you miss the posts by me and at least one other woman who paid for everything in first dates, because we wanted to?

Bant · 21/01/2017 23:28

Apparently I did.

Sorry

Bant · 21/01/2017 23:29

But that's still two posts out of over two hundred

Offred · 21/01/2017 23:41

Still not sure what would be equal about either a man or a woman paying the whole bill on the first date?

Obviously people who think men should pay (traditional, harking back to x time) don't think women should pay and equally people who think you should take turns to pay aren't going to necessarily have a particular preference about who pays first and people who think you should split aren't going to think women/men should pay...

There is no real reason for people to say the woman should pay because people interested in equality are generally going to be interested in equality not one person having the whole burden...

Seems a little facetious as a point. Especially since a lot of the people said taking turns is their preference in which case it could equally be the man or the woman that pays first.

Offred · 21/01/2017 23:47

Is the point you are trying to make that true equality would be if there was an assumption in society that women should always pay?

Cos really that's the whole issue. Lots of people are saying they don't think it's equal for one person to be expected to pay and that often it is about men purchasing women using their greater economic power - it isn't comparable to simply reverse that and call it equality. On average women have never had greater economic power and men have never been considered purchasable for a start.

SleepingTiger · 21/01/2017 23:53

Haven't read the full thread, so apologies.

From personal experience I would say the man pays for food and the woman pays for drinks.

Only because, last night it cost me £245 for two fish salads and wine. Her red was half of that. £119.99. Really? My white was £9.99.

Just saying.......based on last night only. 🎉

Offred · 21/01/2017 23:59

Fucking he'll sleeping how the hell did you end up somewhere so expensive?!

I had a five course tasting menu with accompanying wines at a Michelin starred place recently (and I paid for us both) and it was £170.

SleepingTiger · 22/01/2017 00:16

Can't say too much Offred but it was in central London. A place that doesn't need to advertise. Totally unpretentious and house wine is cheaper than supermarkets' best. The food was out of this world. French, traditional and simple, not nouveau or fusion and trying too hard. It was just the wine, which is the restaurant's main competence. Bloody nice, but I am not a £30 a glass guy. DW occasionally likes to go for it. Why not....😊

Offred · 22/01/2017 00:30

Ah ok! Being married makes more sense, thought you were talking about a first date!!!

Bant · 22/01/2017 00:53

Offred - the point was that true equality would be if the woman paid for the first date as often as the man did.

Instead, it's either the man has to pay, or the women can choose to pay half, or the woman can choose to pay for the next date. But the man always has to pay at least half of the first date. Never less than half.

The woman will always pay half or none.

If it was always half each, then fine. But it's not. And when it's not, then
It's always the man that pays

(Apart from that

Offred · 22/01/2017 01:56

Bant - it is different people posting and there isn't 'a rule'.

Your problem is with the women who always expect a man to pay....

MistressDeeCee · 22/01/2017 02:27

Its each to their own, isn't it? The man pays, thats always been my line. If I ask a man out on a date tho, I will pay. Aside from that, no. Its never caused an issue at all. I don't particularly care what anybody else does..its about what suits you personally OP, when you go on a date the man may have a different view to you and you'll deal with it then

HappyJanuary · 22/01/2017 04:35

Happy - why do you think it is 'dressed up as societal concern' rather than simply something that just concerns

Some people seem to struggle to accept that other people do, see or feel things differently to them, and have to stifle dissent by attaching superior motives to their choices.*
*
And why did you need to ask your son? It was you who said that it said 'nice things' about men.

I was interested to see whether his motives matched my perception of his motives.

HappyJanuary · 22/01/2017 04:37

Sorry, bold fail. Responding to the two questions directed at me by offred

Offred · 22/01/2017 09:25

Happy - do you really believe that is what people are doing?

Splitting the cost for selfish reasons and then later ascribing made up reasons to it to make themselves feel superior?

Seems a tad convoluted. Isn't it actually just more plausible that people believe what they are saying?! TBF you are the one insulting women whose viewpoint differs to your own by calling them 'angry' and 'superior'.

Ok so what 'nice things' do you think it says about men that are not related to the sexism of the 1950s?

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