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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/01/2017 16:14

Sadly Lottie yes it actually happened.... On the bright side I got the measure of him pretty quickly...

TFPsa · 20/01/2017 16:23

it really depends.

if you're both youngish and dating using, say, Tinder or something like that, then IMO there's an unspoken presumption that both sides are seasoned campaigners, that this is very unlikely to lead to marriage, etc, then I'd worry slightly about anyone expecting anything other than Dutch.

if [say] a man who you vaguely know has 'asked you out' on a date then, sure, I think it might be nice if he at least offered to pay, since he's kind of hosting in some sense. conversely, if the woman asked the man out then...

and even with online dating it wouldn't be totally unreasonable for, say, a 60 year old widow to expect her date to be the first person to gran the receipt...

Boolovessulley · 20/01/2017 17:00

There is a lot of hypocrisy about equality.
All this it's vital to insist that everything is split exactly down down fine middle doesnt often apply to other areas of the relationship.

How come ALL women aren't insisting that their oh does exactly 50% of every aspect of childcare?
Or housework?
Or all the other million and one things which women complain about on here time after time.

How come it's fine for the paying of things to be 50-50, but nzny women don't insist that chores are split 50-50,

If you really want independant and equality then don't do the lions share of the housework.
Don't leAve your career.
Don't pick up the slack I order to let your man progress

Boolovessulley · 20/01/2017 17:02

Posted too soon.
Don't put yourself last.
Don't forsake your career and wealth earning potential I order to promote your mans.

I'm far more concerned about these issues gran sho the hell buys me a coffee.

HappyJanuary · 20/01/2017 18:02

I thought feminism and equality was about giving women choices, not telling them how and what to think.

Angry women complaining if someone says they like the guy to pay on the first date are no better than the controlling men they're complaining about.

Welshmaenad · 20/01/2017 19:01

But I want to pay.

I want to be romantic, and do the wooing.

Why are my wishes not worthy of respect?

MadHattersWineParty · 20/01/2017 19:10

Unless you're in a Shakespeare play I do not see the need to 'woo' anybody.

Welshmaenad · 20/01/2017 19:11

I quite like a bit of wooing Grin

MadHattersWineParty · 20/01/2017 19:13

Get thee to the Royal Shakespeare Company, I hear they're holding auditions for The Taming of the Shrew.

Welshmaenad · 20/01/2017 19:20

Oh, there is no taming me whatsoever Grin

kel12345 · 20/01/2017 19:21

I'd never expect a man to pay for me. The very first date my now dh and I went on, I paid for the lot- food and drinks for us both. The next date be paid for all. Since then, we either paid half each, or if one of us wanted to treat the other, then whoever wanted to go pays. Even now, we always take it in turns to pay.

Difficultyear2015 · 20/01/2017 22:49

Why is it seen ok for women to offer to split the bill when a man offers to pay in full?
Why are single women not offering to pay in full too?
I don't see that as fair.

When dp and I were dating, I would pay one day and he would pay another. There was no offering to split a bill. That comes across as stingy,

Bant · 20/01/2017 23:44

So.. Man should always offer to pay for the first time. But not be insistent. The woman can choose, or not, to split the bill equally, or pay for just what she had.
The man should be aware that if he accepts, he may never see her again because he's a cheapskate. And if he doesn't accept, he's controlling, so may never see her again.

And if he accepts and she splits the bill, he may never see her again becaus she was uncomfortable with his patronising behaviour. Or possibly just because she wasn't into him. Possibly if they have a second date, she'll pay for that one.

Where, exactly, is the equality here? Why is not a single woman saying SHE SHOULD PAY FOR THE FIRST DATE?

And then he can pay for the second.

Equality my arse.

PitilessYank · 20/01/2017 23:50

When I was dating my husband we alternated, he paid for our first date, I paid for our second, he paid for our third, etc, etc.

HorridHenryrule · 20/01/2017 23:56

Why pay for someone or expect them to pay for you if you don't know them. What if you don't like them or they don't like you at the end of the date. Someone will feel like a mug at the end of the night and they will feel poorer. If you pay for what you eat and drink on the first date after that you can both work out what you want to do. If you like your date.

Newbrummie · 21/01/2017 09:10

Why would you even go out with them in the first place if you didn't like them Confused

HorridHenryrule · 21/01/2017 11:31

They could be good looking but have a shitty personality. You don't know until you're there in front of them. Then they talk and you think check please and the good looks doesn't matter anymore.

Boolovessulley · 21/01/2017 11:32

Bant that's a good post.
Maybe it stems from women not working like others have said.
Maybe it's because men are seen as the ones having to search for a date.
I know lots of women moan z out the lack of suitable men, but in reality if I wanted to go out and chat up a man/ have Sex with a man or whatever, I would not have to pay for it.
Neither would it be hard.
It is harder for a man do maybe there is some reasoning that because it's harder he is more grateful and so more eager to pay.

Of course I may be wide of the mark, I really don't know.

Like I said I find it strange when a man offers to pick me up I'm his car on s first date and I've had that happen several times.

Boolovessulley · 21/01/2017 11:34

I'm not saying that men have to pay for sex, just that I think it's harder for them.

Offred · 21/01/2017 12:54

I think bant's post both simultaneously shows what men often express difficulty with re dating but also, for me, shows a perfect example of what I would stay away from if dating someone.

Dating surely is about both people having their own values and meeting to see if their values match up.

I don't want a guy who is confused about 'the rules of getting a woman'.

I want a guy who has his own feelings and values and who is able to relate to me having my own feelings and values on an equal footing.

So I feel the way I feel about paying, it all falls badly down if what the man is thinking is 'what is the right thing to think?'

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/01/2017 13:01

DH and I split the bill on our first date. On date 8 or 9 he took me to a fancy-pants Michelin-starred place, he paid and I got twatted on the most expensive wine I'd ever drunk. Ten years later we take it in turns but at times he pays (usually at expensive places because he earns a metric fecktonne more than my teachers salary).

I don't think there are rules and I'd be put off by anyone who insisted it's a man's duty to pay for everything. If a woman feels she wants to pay a man who feels insecure about that needs to have a stern word with himself. Similarly, a woman who doesn't ever offer to pay her way on first dates would put me off.

HappyJanuary · 21/01/2017 14:04

Of course it's an outdated throwback to a time when women didn't earn their own money, just like a man giving his cold gf his jacket because he's braver and more hardy, or holding a door because he's stronger, or giving her the umbrella because her pretty dress might get wet.

It's old fashioned and no longer necessary, but etiquette none-the-less and says all manner of nice things about the guy that has nothing to do with him not respecting equality, assuming he earns more or wanting to treat the little woman.

The woman is free to decide whether she'd be more comfortable splitting the bill, particularly if there's unlikely to be another date, or not. I can't get over the daft things folk worry about.

Whatssheonaboutnow · 21/01/2017 14:29

When were dating DH always paid. I did used to offer sometimes, but he never accepted it. I used to sometimes pre-book the theatre or something or cook dinner so I at least felt I was giving something back! He always used to pick me up from home or work and take me home as well. I never felt patronised by that, I just see it as gentlemanly behaviour and normal really. This was in 2002 though - maybe it's all changed since?

Spice22 · 21/01/2017 14:39

Depends what you want ; if you want a man that pays for dates, then there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't mind paying, then offer to pay : just be honest with yourself.

Personally, i offer to pay but if he lets me , there would be no second date. This is only for the first date.

wheatchief · 21/01/2017 14:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.