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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
Offred · 20/01/2017 08:02

Knew you would have your own view.

To me 'being a man' involves having respect for women so I would totally swerve your friends who would 'be horrified' - which would be good for them and for me!

As for paying 'being gentlemanly and romantic' and having nothing to do with being stuck in the last century? Well you do know that the tradition of the man paying is a direct result of unequal pay and women being forced to leave work on marriage don't you?

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 08:04

I think if a man wants to pay...let him be the man..at least most certainly in the initial stages of dating. Let him pay. Just maybe ladies he actually wants to..and what is so wrong about that? It has nothing to do with being stuck in the last century or being made to feel like a kept woman. For the man, it's romantic, gentlemanly and part of the wooing process.

FFS!!

When I was dating, if a man insisted on paying, then I didn't see him again.

If he said, "I'll get this one, you can pay next time Wink" then I accepted it if I wanted to see him again.

I made the mistake of ignoring this particular red flag when I was dating a couple of times, and always regretted it.

Never date a man who sees it as his place to pay for you, or thinks it's romantic and part of the wooing process.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 08:06

I'm with offred. I wouldn't want to date someone whose sense of masculinity was so fragile that he had to beat his chest to prove he was 'being a man'.

I want someone for whom "being a man" means they respect me and I mean genuine respect. Not that fake respect that so many women desire.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 08:09

Fake respect:

paying for you
asking your dad for your hand in marriage
odd ideas about 'nice girls' and sex

Genuine respect:

valuing you as an equal individual
listening to you

Offred · 20/01/2017 08:18

I often wonder where people think this idea of this kind of behaviour (man paying for meals, asking dad for hand, dad giving daughter away etc) 'gentlemanly' or 'romantic' comes from if they don't think it comes from sexist oppression of women.

See a man paying for dinner in the 50's arguably could have been seen as considerate as men usually had all the earning power, were expected to commit to taking on an adult female dependent on marriage and women were looking for a man who would do that as they would leave their jobs on marriage...

Although things are still not equal we are a long way from that now so I see someone who thinks 'being a man' means always paying for me as a sign that man may be one who wants to go back to the 50s.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 08:21

Although things are still not equal we are a long way from that now so I see someone who thinks 'being a man' means always paying for me as a sign that man may be one who wants to go back to the 50s.

Yes definitely. And my experience has been that they do hold a lot of sexist attitudes that don't sit at all comfortably with me and then it's somehow my fault for being the wrong sort of woman!

Offred · 20/01/2017 08:24

Yes.

Very specifically though men who feel it is 'emasculating' for a woman to contribute. Some men just think it is 'the roolz' and are glad to hear my feelings on things.

Empress13 · 20/01/2017 08:27

I've been spoilt as always had man pay but that was years ago when I was in dating game. TBH times have changed and people go Dutch

Trills · 20/01/2017 08:37

Fake respect, definitely.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 09:48

I've been spoilt as always had man pay I don't consider that to be a positive thing at all.

I've had that too, Offred Totally agree about the difference. Some men have only met women who expected them to pay and actually appreciate the fact that I don't. They're ok. The one's who just think it's the rules but are happy to change them, they're ok.

The ones who feel it's emasculating and that a man should, cos he's a man. Bin. Every time.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 20/01/2017 09:51

Coffee first and pay for your own. Then dinner and go halves. It is easier that way. However if as one of my dates did, they then take the bill (after I had paid half) and said they were claiming it on expenses, don't bother going out again. They are a twat. He saw nothing wrong with it.

JaneA1 · 20/01/2017 09:54

The who pays is an issue I always wonder about myself. Normally I find myself paying my due and that seems to work most of the times. When the other person absolutely insists on paying, I just ... don't know how to insist they don't do this and usually let them! Blush Then I try to make up with paying more on the next date.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 20/01/2017 09:55

That is what I would do now. DH paid for everything on our date however. He insisted. He said he asked me out and therefore would pay. When we were dating we went with the flow. Sometimes me sometimes him. He had more money than me and when we moved in he tended to pay unless he didn't have his wallet or something but our money was joint by that point.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/01/2017 10:31

Thinking back to when I first started dating, I was at school and my boyfriend at the time was working so he paid for everything. Once I started working we lived together anyway but he was always skint so I paid or we didn't go out.

DH and I, in the early days of our relationship, were both hard up so nights out tended to be courtesy of the pub I worked in - I didn't pay for drinks there and he had free beer vouchers. Once we got serious we moved in together and merged finances completely so it didn't matter who handed their money over, it was a pooled fund. We still have pooled funds but I rarely take my purse anywhere so DH always looks like he's paying, when in reality it depends on the time of the month as to who has just been paid.

I would offer to pay half the bill definitely and would insist on buying drinks if the splitting of the bill was not accepted. I would also offer to pay next time we went out.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 20/01/2017 10:35

JaneA1 If they insist to the point of making me feel that uncomfortable, I see it as a sign they aren't going to be interested in anything I have to say, what with them being The Man 'n' all.

So I let them pay to avoid a scene in public and then I don't see them again.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/01/2017 10:41

As always a varied range of responses. Someone out there for everyone I guess. I would be happy if date paid, but not expect it. My red flag is when they ' forget their wallet!'.

cottencandy55 · 20/01/2017 10:56

In the early stages I think the man should pay any dates I've been on its the way it's been same with dp we take turns now when we eat out .

MadHattersWineParty · 20/01/2017 11:00

Lots of 'in the early stages a man should pay' type responses.

But why should he pay? Do you work? Have a bank card/access to your own money?

ShatnersWig · 20/01/2017 11:13

Cotten In addition to offering a reason as WHY he should pay, I'd like to know how long you would consider "early stages"? How long should the man cough up for everything for? One month, two months, three months? Until the tenth date?

Independence is a very attractive trait.

debbs77 · 20/01/2017 11:18

All those women that burned their bras for independence, all the fighting for equality in the workplace and equal pay, and yet this viewpoint still exists????

Newbrummie · 20/01/2017 11:20

Burnt their bras ... but we haven't got it. End of story. We haven't so shout all you like about equality but it simply has not happened so

lottieandmia · 20/01/2017 11:28

Forget their wallet?? Has this actually happened? This is why you should have a low key date for a first date - i.e. - a coffee.

BeaveredBadgered · 20/01/2017 11:29

First couple of dates, pay roughly half (take it in turns to buy drinks at the pub, buy your own coffee etc), after that take turns on things like cinema tickets, pub lunch etc, so it's pretty even but the calculator doesn't make an appearance when the bill arrives.

Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 11:59

I'm Shock at a previous poster who said that having money spent on you was part of the wooing process.

Really?

I am not for sale

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/01/2017 15:05

I think if a man wants to pay...let him be the man..

Because if he doesn't pay, his testicles are removed? Confused