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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

999 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2017 08:10

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*
OP posts:
Ciaovenora · 21/01/2017 18:20

Honestly, instead of tinkering around with this its probably best to simply start a new.

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 18:29

It's that bad? I write this new this morning! Doh!

Plentyoffishnets · 21/01/2017 19:04

Info, I think that's absolutely fine. You seem really nice and normal.and there is pleaty there for someone to chat to you about , but you definitely need to be messaging the women you like first.

Remember -- I personally would meet somewhere near the hotel but not actually there

Update from me - Mr football is messaging but being very evasive about next date and won't set a date. So I am taking a back seat and trying to disengage my brain from here which is not easy. Going to try to find some mindfulness stuff on YouTube to try and reprogramme my anxious brain. I have also rejoined tinder for distraction. Am getting matches but only one message, though he seems nice.

lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:10

info I think that revised version is great! You sound a nice guy to me, interesting with varied things to enjoy. Honestly, it comes over well in my humble opinion!

Bant · 21/01/2017 19:11

So.. Just to be clear... No compliments in the first message.. Open questions only..

At what point am I expected, in this day and age, to send a picture of my bits? I never know if it's too early...

Smile
lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:13

Have you googled Tinder profile tips? I think someone once posted a website talking about the best type of selfies. Smiling ones are best as if you have a shaved head, you need to make sure you look warm and friendly. Well done for being brace enough to post your profile, and good luck!! Don't forget to come back and let us know

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:14

That's ace, thanks so much for the feedback. I'm glad the last bit was okay, I hoped that might have sounded a little bit quirky and different and it gives people something easy to message me about.

Definitely right about messages, I don't send a lot. I look at a lot of profiles and often tell myself that they'd never reply and thus I don't even try.

I think with the refined profile, I can try more messages. Thank you!

lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:14

I quite like compliments bant can't please everyone... but then I'm a Nando's type of a gal...or Wimpey!!

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:16

I'll definitely stick around, it's very friendly here. I might add a little note that you might find funny, I hope.

A female friend told me to come here for advice. I questioned if she was serious, I told her I thought mumsnet was full of white aggressive women always battling each other and loads of drama.

She questioned if I had started reading the Daily Mail and assured me this place had lovely people and I was almost sure to find some help. She was right.

lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:17

Do try info just send a friendly message picking up on something they have mentioned in their profile. Ask a question or relate to an inerest. And I don't mind a message saying I look nice! I've unhidden my POF profile since last night and had 95 messages, most of which were "hey" "hi" or even "hi sexy" Hmm

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:17

Thanks phone for the autocorrect, that wasn't meant to say white!!!! Jeez.

lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:19

I was going to question that!!

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:19

Ah if you've had 95 messages since last night, no wonder it's so hard to stand out!! Did you open them all?

Welshmaenad · 21/01/2017 19:20

I love a good conversation about superpowers so I think you've got lots of material to strike up conversation there, and the refined version is great. You sound very nice and I hope you find some women who appreciate that and want to get to know you a bit better.

I am white and occasionally aggressive, but only if people rule me by being twatty Wink

Plentyoffishnets · 21/01/2017 19:21

Info - it's definitely a numbers game so send as many as you can if you like them. I personally never send first messages and think a lot of women are the same, so think that is a good way forward.
Regarding compliments I have never really thought about it meaning the guy is only interested in looks. Really with dating online looks are what attracts you to a profile. Something like complimenting my smile really doesn't bother me and I think its quite nice. But maybe that's another thing to question!!!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/01/2017 19:22

Apologies for barging in unannounced, was scanning the thread to see if there were any names I recognised from about 10 threads ago and I got distracted by Info's profile.

A couple of things stand out to me, you say 'formerly big into running', it doesn't really make sense; I can't work out if this means you used to be overweight or if you used to be obsessed with running. Also it should be either 'what's your superpower' or 'what are your superpowers'. I'm afraid I'm a grammar snob and bad spelling and grammar are deal breakers for me. (Checks post very, very carefully for errors as that would be typical!)

Bant · 21/01/2017 19:25

Info

Remember, it's a numbers game. You'll be sending messages to dormant profiles, or to women who have a couple of dozen messages in their inbox, so the headline has to stand out too. Also, a bunch of people who would answer, if they read it and liked you, will already be having conversations with multiple other men. If you spend ages personally crafting messages to each woman you send a message to, it's mostly wasted effort, and while you're doing that, the personalised message to someone who hasn't logged on in a month, the person who would actually respond is receiving a dozen messages from other men.

So, generally, have a pro forma message, the opener, and the bit where you say a tiny bit about you.
You can copy and paste that bit.

Always include a couple of things specific to the person you're messaging. Mass spam emails are obvious and don't get a response.

But only a couple of things, stick that into the copy/pasted stuff, and send. And next profile, redraft the personalised bit, and send. And next..

The women you're messaging will be getting multiple messages from multiple men. They're good at wading through the the chaff, and being efficient.

Your goal is to not waste too much of your time, don't agonise over every word, in a message that will likely never be read.

Numbers game.

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:26

Barge away! I can change 'special' out for 'super', no problem at all.

As for the running thing, the answer lies in the grammar also. I'm also a grammar snob and there is no comma. If I used to be big, I'd have said 'formerly big, into running'. I don't want any confusion though so I'll change for another word that makes it clear that I used to run a lot :)

lastnicknamefree · 21/01/2017 19:26

info I bet you're glad you posted now Wine

MyGastIsFlabbered · 21/01/2017 19:35

It wasn't special/super that was the problem, I can't remember your exact wording, but you need to either ask what IS your power (no S) or what ARE you powerS, does that make sense?

I think I'd say 'formerly really into running' to avoid misinterpretation, then maybe make a joke about why you stopped. Profiles that make me laugh get you far!

I'm really not looking to be hypercritical, I'm lovely really

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:38

I read it again and realised why I chose special over super. I thought that women might see super powers, out this together with my job and thing I was some sort of mega geek who reads comics and that's totally not the case! I've changed it though, I'd rather they thought that than thought my grammar was bad!!

Bant thank you for that. It makes me realise how wrong I am playing this. I tend to message two or three people and then get a bit downhearted when they don't reply.

Numbers game. Okay. Time to send more!

InfoSec21 · 21/01/2017 19:58

Rechecked that and you're absolutely right, it sounded like what is your plural. Awful. I'd not have replied to me!

Fixed that. Please be as critical as you like, anyone reading my profile can afford to be ultra picky with so much competition out there. :)

Bant · 21/01/2017 19:59

Oh yeah, it's easy to get downhearted. But remember, it's not you, it's not even them. It's probably just timing and random chance.

When you've been having a nice back-and-forth conversation and they suddenly disappear, that's disheartening. When they seem normal then suddenly send a dozen messages in the space of an hour, getting more and more angry that you're ignoring them, when actually you were playing with your kid, that's disheartening.

Thick skin mate. We need them too.

LotsoNumbers · 21/01/2017 20:12

I joined pof and got about 20 messages, I replied to 3. One of them said "hi" but his profile was really interesting, and the others had made an effort to send an interesting message. Anyone not my type, with a boring profile, or who said "hi gorgeous" or "sexy" didn't get a message back. I'm definitely not gorgeous (attractivettractive or pretty in the right light, but not gorgeous) so I didn't feel like responding to that level of laziness

Lovemusic33 · 21/01/2017 20:16

I think compliments are OK after a few messages, I prefer someone to compliment my personality before my looks, of course I'm flattered when a guy says I'm pretty but I don't like being called 'hot' or 'sexy' on a first message. I do get a few guys that say 'hi, hope your having a good evening, would you like to chat?', on a Monday I tend to get quite a few messages asking 'did you gave good weekend, did you get up to much?' And often I answer ( if they look relatively normal ).

Bant, "when is it ok to send naked photos?" Grin I think it should be after mooseburger, for me unwrapping a man is a bit like opening a Christmas present and I like it to be a surprise, then again Christmas presents can be disappointing, when your expecting a something nice and you end up with socks or a lynx gift set Grin

OP posts:
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