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Original poster

Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

999 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2017 08:10

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*
OP posts:
ElsasAuntie · 04/02/2017 12:44

Hi everyone, I'm just joining in for some advice/tips. I hope you don't mind :)

I've been online dating on/off for about two years so feeling very disheartened by the whole thing. Whenever I have been messaging someone there always turns out to be some issue or I just get messages like the 'hows u' and they don't really want to get to know me.

I just want to get your opinions on this as I don't know if I am being paranoid or should chill the hell out!

I have been messaging someone who I thought was promising. He ticked all my boxes and seemed to genuinely want to get to know me. I noticed that he only messages quite late in the evening-after 10 so I asked him and he said that by the time he comes home from work and does a few things it is after 10 before he can sit down. He also isn't glued to his phone and accesses pof from a tablet. So I thought fair enough.

The messaging went on for a few days without a hint of meeting up so I started to get suspicious again. I offered to take things away from pof which he was keen to do so we swapped numbers. It was only then that he asked to meet but dropped in that he wasn't feeling very well so might have to cancel.

We tried to arrange for the weekend but he didn't commit to a day as he said he was meeting friends, but didn't know which day so I said to let me know and we could meet the other day. When it got closer to the weekend I asked which day and he gave me a whole story of that he was too sick and was so sorry. I got a bit pissed off so said that I was suspicious and said why. So last night he actually called me and we chatted for half an hour. He apologised and said that he was genuinely sick. He seemed nice to chat to, polite and intelligent. So we left it that he would contact me later next week to arrange another date.

So I don't know whether to believe him, or if he is just keeping me as some sort of back up plan?

Sorry for the essay-I just wanted to give as much detail as possible.

Bant · 04/02/2017 12:58

Sounds married to me

ElsasAuntie · 04/02/2017 13:03

Bant that's what my suspicions have been or that he already is dating someone but keeping his options open.

tanyadm · 04/02/2017 13:07

Someone responded to my profile - which states both that I am a feminist and won't respond to "hey", with "hey sexy". I despair.

rememberthetime · 04/02/2017 13:10

To everyone who commented...he messaged me this morning and was hungover yesterday and spent the day with his children and out and about. As we have only a small window of time where we are both awake that is perfectly reasonable...

He wasn't really apologetic - but i am not convinced he remembered everything he said! but he did point out that when drunk he speaks his mind. So when he said "I lurrve you...!!" he really meant it Ha!

But he did mention he has been looking at flights to come back for a visit - but will bring his children so they can see his family. So not quite the exciting 2 weeks it could be, but still...

Elsa - I don't know about married - but maybe hedging his bets. I guess you need to trust your intuition on this one. if someone makes you feel edgy, there is usually a good reason for it.

Bant · 04/02/2017 13:25

elsa

Tell him you've got an early start so will have to go to bed earlier, how about he messages/calls you earlier in the evening (when his wife is still up)

InfoSec21 · 04/02/2017 13:33

Bant is brutal there but probably right. If someone is behaving unpredictably there is usually a big reason. That said, we love the hard to fathom ones don't we Bant?!

Bant · 04/02/2017 14:27

Well there's people with a bit of mystery about them, info, and then there are people that show the same old signs of a married man looking for a bit of fun.

Obviously I don't know if this is the case or not, but the lack of messaging before 10pm, the aversion to fixing a time to meet, and then pulling out and claiming sickness - those are three amber flags right there.

Its perfectly possible that he's single, works late every evening, only messages from a tablet, and can't commit to a day to meet because his friends are all so chilled that no one has specific plans. And he gets sick a lot. Any one of those things are fine. Two are a bit questionable. All of them?

Well, I'd be paranoid, and making him do the running.

My advice would be to let him know to get in touch when he wants to meet, and then go quiet.

InfoSec21 · 04/02/2017 14:44

Chatted with WG a but today. She likes to go out dancing and stuff. I said I'd imagine she gets chatted up a lot when she's out but she said she doesn't and that she's pretty shy in those situations.

Adds a little element to why she might not be to forthcoming if she's shy. I'm shy though and I find the comfort of being behind a screen makes it a lot easier at this stage.

Still no date fixed up, will see what happens over this week. Still chatting with iron2, still going well.

WG said she doesn't think it's fair that blokes have to do all the chasing. How ironic, I thought.

InfoSec21 · 04/02/2017 14:46

I'm tempted to tell WG that she's very mysterious and that she intrigues me. If she says why I guess I'd have to say because she doesn't ever message first but she always replied quickly. It's like an intrigue. That could go either way and it could sound picky or not. I dunno.

lettucesoup · 04/02/2017 15:47

I was at the hairdressers last week. I found this gem about dating in a magazine:

After my date told me he'd been kicked out of every school he'd attended. I joked "At least you haven't killed anyone" His reply? "Exactly...I said I didn't do it"

Chucklecheeks · 04/02/2017 16:07

Update: after the coffee date yesterday we texted for about Ann hour then spoke on the phone for three hours.

I usually hate being on the phone. It he was very easy to chat to.

We are going out for food Sunday night. He seems very keen and genuine. I hope 'seems' is real!

Chucklecheeks · 04/02/2017 16:36

Sorry about the bad spelling, on my phone with a sleeping DC in my lap.

BaklavaBalaclava · 04/02/2017 16:56

Being told I am mysterious and intriguing would make me happy - being told that it's because of my messaging style with an iron that I've not even met yet would really really annoy me - I'd smell controlling man and run away...

I'm not saying that's how you mean it info - but it's how I'd read it

BaklavaBalaclava · 04/02/2017 16:57

that's great news chuckle - have a nice date on sunday

InfoSec21 · 04/02/2017 17:23

Thank you for that Balaclava, great advice. That's one of the reasons I love this place, getting advice from the 'other side' without having to make the wrong move!!

Yeah totally don't mean it in a controlling way, I'm genuinely intrigued and confused.

If I told you someone never messaged me first you'd probably say they're not interested. If I told you they always reply pretty quickly to my messages, you'd probably think that is a little intriguing and doesn't fit at all with the fact she never messages first. I dunno, women eh etc etc :)

Dieu · 04/02/2017 17:51

Looks like it's a night in for me guys!

Date no. 5 is supposed to be happening this evening, but it's 5.45 and I haven't heard a thing. He was choosing and booking the restaurant for tonight, so really it was up to him to get in touch with me and communicate the plan across.
I am giving him until 6 to text, but anything later wouldn't be acceptable to me. And I think we all need to have our own limits and boundaries.
Does that sound fair enough to you? So if we normally meet at 8, it's reasonable to expect him to get in touch by 6?
I haven't heard from him since Thursday night.
I am absolutely NOT texting him to see what's happening, as my dignity means more to me than him!
And to add insult to injury, he was on the dating site this afternoon!
IF he does get in touch and tonight goes ahead, how to you make it clear that this isn't okay with me, without looking too intense?
Gah, this feels horrible. Just waiting. And knowing that there is nothing I can do.
My self-confidence won't be too shaken, but my faith that something good can ever happen will Sad
Thanks in advance for any support or words of wisdom Star

LosingDory · 04/02/2017 18:08

If im interested in a man I'm already chatting to I will message him for a chat. She's either playing very very hard to get, in which case do you need the agro, or she's got other irons. Pin her down for a date asap she's had long enough to check her diary!

InfoSec21 · 04/02/2017 18:17

Yeah probably true LosingDory.

She had a daughter so I understand it's not as simple as just pick a night, any night.

We have Wednesday pencilled in subject to her sorting something out so I will just do as normal until then. If Wednesday comes and goes with no mention of a date, I can give up.

At least if she ever pops up and says anything, I can say due to not confirming the date it was pretty clear you weren't interested.

penny39 · 04/02/2017 18:19

Dieu you can ignore me as I'm a long time lurker-was active on the thread a couple of years ago and have dipped in and out of OLD ever since-but I had to de-lurk as I really do feel so strongly that if someone is messing you around at this stage then you should kick him into touch. There is no excuse for not messaging since Thursday when you had plans to see each other tonight,and if a guy is properly keen he wouldn't be leaving it until the last minute to make arrangements. Grim though it is,even if he does message again I'd be extremely busy for the foreseeable future and make him work bl**dy hard to get another date if you do decide to give him a chance. I know it's hard,as by date 5 you really feel you're getting somewhere-but equally he should be feeling the same.
Flipping nightmare Angry

Dieu · 04/02/2017 18:21

Thanks for the reply Penny … for a minute there I thought I was going to be ignored on here as well! Grin
(needless to say, he hasn't been in touch …)

penny39 · 04/02/2017 18:31

That's why I de-lurked Dieu Smile
I know that horrid feeling, and this was a good hand holding place to make me feel I wasn't going slightly nuts sometimes..!
Next please and move on :)

ElsasAuntie · 04/02/2017 18:55

Bant and Info-yes it probably is the mystery too that keeps me hooked. I don't know if he's married as our conversations haven't been sexual. It has been him finding out what sort of a person I am and about a trip I'm going on in a few months. I'm just going to back off and see. No doubt he will either disappear, come back with some excuse that he's too ill for dating or whoever he has been dating doesn't work out and suddenly he becomes more available.

The funny thing too is on his profile he makes a deal about being not like everyone else and is genuine and decent!

InTheMoodForLove · 04/02/2017 21:33

IF he does get in touch and tonight goes ahead, how to you make it clear that this isn't okay with me, without looking too intense?
In this case, you would blow him out at the last minute

(did the date happen?)

lastnicknamefree · 04/02/2017 21:41

Yes dieu what happened? I'd be pretty cross if this was me! Hmm

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