Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

I changed the setting on my Whatsapp so that I can't see the last seen bit. it is designed so that other people can't see when you have been on - but if you want that level of privacy it means you can't see other people's either.

It really helps. I did it when my Mr Cook was being an arse and not replying to me. I was obsessively checking when he had been on whatsapp and typically seeing he was obviously talking to someone else. So I changed the settings and much of the anguish went away.

I also archived the chat so that i wasn't constantly watching it.

Hello, hope its ok if I jump in with a question. Been following this thread for months and love reading about everyone's adventures! You are all so wise and encouraging. So I need your help!

Very new to this and had a 1st date through tinder last night. Lovely guy, had lots in common but I didn't fancy him at all. Can't even articulate why, I just didn't. He's asked me for a second date and I don't know how to say no. For background, I'm a people pleaser, and hate to hurt people's feelings. I've been in this situation once before and I ended up ignoring his message after a week of stressing over how to respond. Which is probably worse than a polite message saying no thanks! So please, what should I say in my text? Thanks!

The good stuff:

Kills time, improves self esteem, sometimes proves there are some good men out there, shows you the ones to be careful of, you get some good stories to tell at parties.

Talking about Mr Cook and the archived chat gave me the incentive to take one last look at it and delete. Just scrolling through the last few days of our talking really showed me how low he had sunk. he was sexting - but in a kind of obsessive, I don't care about the woman, way and then literally at the end of that (when he had er...got there...) he literally said OK, talk in the morning. I had one more message and then nothing...I realise i actually had a 2 or 3 weeks of that behaviour before he finally got bored of it. I am pretty sad at myself for accepting that treatment - but i hadn't noticed how he had changed. I like to think that maybe he felt bad about it and disappeared for my own good. Phew - pleased I got out of that one.

Hi. Thanks for a lovely evening last night. I really did enjoy meeting you, and think you're a brilliant catch. However, I can't say that there was any great chemistry on my part. I'm sorry. I find it's best just to be honest, as you deserve better than to be messed around or have your time wasted. I genuinely wish you all the best with the dating scene though, and hope you meet someone lovely soon.

How's that?

That was to Victoria, obviously.

Thank you so much Dieu, that's great! I really appreciate your help with this. After I've sent the message I'm going to catch up with the last 20 pages and see what everyone's been up to! Thanks again.

Pleasure! Definitely always best to let someone know, rather than keep them hanging

Dieu i have screenshotted that so that have it ready just in case!!
Good things about OLD:

• Agree it has given me the confidence to meet people I don't know well for an hour or two for a chat
• Am slowly learning to trust my gut about people and beginning to focus on if I.like them and how they make me feel rather than if they like me and just going along with it (another people pleaser Here)
• Learning to be more emotionally honest I think

All very much a work in progress, so although it is massively disheartening at times and feels like I will be alone forever sometimes, I think on balance it is helping me to grow as a person.

I have a firstdate on a weeknight next week with someone I met through OLD

Thing is, I've never really done this! My last relationship went straight to her staying at mine for the weekend (I know I know, dodgy thing to do but it was fine). Before that it was almost a decade since I dated anyone and then it was a mate from work so we were already flirty friends beforehand. Previous to that was a guy at uni where my friend did the "my friend fancies you" thing and I remember us mainly going to the bar together

But I've never done the first date with a stranger thing and I'm so nervous. It's a weeknight so I guess that's fairly noncommittal. We've not really been flirty while chatting online, but I darent take the lead with these things.

I'm also the heaviest I've ever been (due partly to medication although I was obese to begin with) and I am trying to shift it but stress eating isn't helping! So I'm super self conscious and feel like "well she won't fancy me anyway". The first time I met my ex my very first thought was that she was out of my league, so that's my general mindset.

I also know I'm not over my ex, it was her who ended it and she's been seeing someone else for a while. But part of me still wants her back.

So in summary I'm a mess. Thanks for letting me vent

I want to get some of the self esteem boost you're all getting. I get very few likes/messages, and if I do, they're rarely people I think I would be compatible with!

remember can I ask how you change the whatsapp settings so you don't see when others have been on? I regularly have to ask my teenager how to ....do technology!
Without a doubt online dating is tricky!
The benefits and positives of OLD:

1. For me it has meant a bit ot an excuse to occasionally get dressed up and go out; it can be empowering!
2. A definite confidence boost and realisation that there are some nice people out there.

Lettuce - go into settings, account, privacy and turn the last seen to "nobody". it will mean that no one will see when you have been on and you can't see if they have.

But you still see when they are online and you get the typing notification during a conversation. Just no "last seen".

The blue ticks still work in the same way

Thank you remember

Tanya, I live not far from London in an area with several large towns /cities not far away so think lots of people show up for me as I do +25 miles and guess I show up in a lot of peoples searches too. Its a numbers game so can be hard in some bits of the country from reading on this thread

You can turn the blue ticks off in whatsapp too, on the same page as turning off last read.

Plenty, thanks for the kind message, but I live in Edinburgh 😂. I have been doing OLD on and off for 18 months, but it doesn't really seem to work for me!

I decided to try bumble as I like the idea that the woman messages first. But my first two matches seem to be with the most boring guys ever.
First mentioned the company he worked for which looked interesting. So I asked him about. He sent me a link to their website. That was it.
Second had no info in his profile. So I went with a simple 'how was your day'. I got 'hello' in return
Now what am I supposed to say? I assume they're vaguely interested or they wouldn't even reply.

If I got either of those two messages runny I would just unmatch them

Definitely unmatch. If that's their idea of effort/communication now - imagine a relationship with that!

Thanks tanya dory . I'll give them til the end of today to see if they come back with something more. If not they're unmatched.

Runny - I used Bumble and came across good communicators who made a good effort. I had absolutely none of the "hi sexy" stuff which I did get on POF.

I also liked the feeling of being in charge and being able to unmatch or choose whether to talk .

It might be my imagination, but a different sort of man will choose Bumble. One who wants to meet interesting women and is happy to let them decide. That s my experience anyway.

The messaging feature is annoying to use though. On your phone it is a teeny tiny writing screen. I can't get Bumble to work on my Chrome book so can't make that function better.

Runny I agree - unmatch! I had a short conversation going with a guy who was supposed to be a POF 'Ideal match' but conversing is like wading through treacle! I've given up now.
Tanya I was starting to get an ego boost but then asked the 4 men I was chatting with if they would like to meet up and they've all gone quite bar 1 who is a long distance lorry driver and can only meet up on Sundays! Like you - I would love to have an ego boosting actual date!!

So I thought I'd canvass opinion...If there was something unusual about your body would you warn a date before you got naked or would you just ignore it? He may or may not notice it and he might not even think it's a big deal but I'm quite self conscious about it. We are chatting A LOT and moving towards relationship territory but I don't want him to freak out since its only the 3rd date

I wouldn't warn Dory. I'm overweight and look fucking awful naked (gorgeous with clothes on though!), but it didn't seem to bother the guy I'm seeing. And if your wee imperfection bothered your guy, then maybe he's just not worthy of you. I think mentioning it in advance would just draw more attention, and possibly ramp up the awkward factor (and the first time with someone can be generally fairly awkward … not like in the movies at all!). So, ignore it I say!

Dory - I agree with Dieu. Just relax and enjoy your date