Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

I would feel the same way Dieu...
Could you mention something to him along the lines of you like to hear from him?

Hi Dieu - I totally get what you mean - that happened to me (and then I just didn't send a second text one day, and he never sent a text - after 6 weeks too)

• Anyway, I don't think you're being mad - it's obviously a scary text to send and you deserve a quick response from it.

With the above guy - I think the only thing he had going for him was that he made me feel good with his constant attention - so when that started to wane I wasn't very upset.

I did send a needy text (well, saying that if he wanted to stop seeing me I didn't mind, but please could he let me know what was going on) when the messaging started to slow down - I think that killed it, (few texts after that but very non-committal) but I think that's what I needed to do anyway...

I guess what I'm saying is, if you feel that his communications are telling you something, there is nothing wrong with asking about it - it may precipitate a split, but it's not coming from nowhere... it's better to clear the deck of flaky men!

Thanks to the two of you, for your understanding and for not making me feel like a total psycho
I guess my fear is that when someone who has thus far been so genuine and reliable, starts to change things or play games (from a pace which had been set by him), then the same thing would happen with anyone.
I am proud, and this would be a difficult thing for me to broach, without sounding/appearing insecure and needy.
I may feel that way inside, but I wouldn't want him to know it!
So now I feel uneasy, and wondering if tonight's text will come
And don't get me wrong, he hasn't done anything wrong and has so far been very trustworthy, but I am struggling a bit with the usual pattern being broken.

Woke up today and decided to back right off from WG. We exchanged a few last night but she didn't message back after about the third message.

Got to the point of just thinking that I'm bothering her now by sending a message and that's not a good feeling.

She will either come back and organise a date or not, either way is fine. I've shown enough interest to be clear to her but it's just not flowing back. Being very pretty just isn't enough to keep this one going. She's not bad either, ha ha :)

You're absolutely right, Anon. Lesson learnt for next time (still pretty new to this). It's just that with the logistics of children, distance, work etc. texting is a good way of keeping one's hand in, when it's not always possible to see each other. Your second sentence is 100% bang on, and that's the position in which I find myself now.
Info Sec, that's a bit rubbish. You're right, the ball is in her court now and there is nothing else you can do. Wish people would just say what they're thinking, rather than keeping you hanging!

Reading everyone's posts and realising this dating stuff can be so complicated.
Just when I thought MrPhd had disappeared, he pops up again. I've heard nothing since we exchanged a few texts on Monday. I had suggested date2 drinks this eve but had no reply.
Now he says he sent a reply but it didn't send. And can we rearrange. So I said Ok let me know when you're free.
A whole load of new irons have appeared in the last couple of days so I'd rather see if anything happens with them.

I would get a feeling that anyone who goes quiet but then comes back blazing a bit later has been talking to someone else, that's gone wrong and now they've come back to continue with you.

We talk in here about having irons bit we must remember I suppose that we're just an iron to someone else.

The whole tailing off thing is really hard to deal with. But I think it is inevitable, even when you really get on well. I think it is best to tackle it head on. I have literally just had a message conversation with my long distance DP (am I allowed to say that now....).
We have agreed that Monday to Friday we can each only spare an hour once a day to talk to each other and that we will make up for it on the weekend. For us there is a significant time difference so it makes it tricky to find the right timing -n but the thing is that we have agreed and it feels fine. No second guessing.

I know that in the early stages it can feel hard to approach this - but it is possible to just say "can we chat on Tuesday at 9pm" and see if they are willing to make that a "date". it is no different to setting up an actual date. Schedule your chats and see if the anxiety reduces. if they fail to stick to t he schedule, you know they truly are flaky.

How do you let someone down gently when you realise, after quite a few texts, that actually they're not for you?

I matched with someone on Bumble, began messaging but it's becoming clear that he's not for me - he's charming, good looking, solvent etc but he's too OI already and we haven't yet met. I think he's been single for over a year and only just stepped onto the OLD scene and is already saying he's not looking anymore now he's found me...I'm going to make 2017 amazing for him...he thinks I'm fantastic etc. It's too much for me, I may meet him and think those things of him too but I feel I need to somehow warn him it's unlikely to be the case.

I also have a date arranged for Sunday, I posted earlier on the thread about how this one is hard work on the texts - totally the opposite to Mr Charming! - but I did ask him last night if he was still interested in meeting Sunday as I couldn't really tell from the sporadic nature of his texts. He replied this morning saying definitely yes, can't wait to meet me but just isn't the best at texting. That sounds fine to me.

I know if Mr Charming knew I was meeting someone else he'd be quite upset.

This has happened before and I'm ashamed to say I ghosted them and I don't want to do that again. Just something about him screams needy and I'm not ready for a full on, heart on sleeve kinda guy! Help!

Sorry, I didn't make that very clear. I have a date arranged for Sunday with another iron, not Mr Charming

More advise needed please as I've suggested a meet up with two of my POF messagers and on the off chance that one of them wants to.......

There have been several comments made about people talking about their exes during a date - obviously I realise that you shouldnt go on about how good or bad your ex was or bang on about his/her prowess or lack of it in bed (no pun intended ). BUT when you have come out of a long marriage, all your experiences and life have been with this other person. How does it work when you talk about your past? For example, if talking about past holidays it would be natural to say "we went to Florence for a long weekend in 2002" - should I be more careful and limit it to "I went to Florence a long time ago"???

I think it is okay to mention your ex in a casual and innocuous way, such as in the holiday scenario you describe. We all have a past. But ex dissing would make me very wary of someone, as I find it very off-putting. At least in the very early stages.

I think it's fine to say 'oh yes I went to Paris with Bob, it was lovely/shit/full of French people'

But saying 'I went to Paris with Bob, he spent all the time complaining about French food and it was miserable' - well that's different.

One is adding context to things, casually, the other is criticising someone and coming across as slightly bitter.

Interesting twist for me. I saw a girl I liked a while ago and she put her Instagram name in her profile so I added her on there a couple of weeks ago. We've exchanged likes and comments on Instagram so I messaged her on POF today and said hey, I'm him from Instagram and we've started messaging on POF. She's much easier to talk to. I noticed also when I'm messaging her that WG is showing as online a lot. So she can be in there but doesn't drop me anything on What's App.

So, that totally adds to the thing that WG is off the radar. To be honest, if she messaged me on Monday and asked if I wanted to make a date, I'd be very tempted to say no. Probably be daft to say no, but tempted.

Be good to see what happens with the new 'iron'.

Sounds promising … hope it works out!
And I can totally relate to you wanting to back off from the other girl. Something changes when they start acting like that, and it would be very difficult I think to put it right.

Yeah I think it's a change of feeling, being interested just turns to indifference and when you genuinely feel that indifference, that's when you know you can take it or leave it, with the balance tipping towards leaving it.

Aww info, sorry about WG but good news about new potential. I sacked off POF and OKC last week as it was killing my self esteem, and POF didn't really have anyone I would class as being my type.

I now have Tinder and Bumble, and my one possible has gone silent, but not unmatched me. I'm giving him one day before he gets deleted.

It's all pretty confidence crushing!

Reading back all the posts on here does make OLD sound very stressful, not sure why we put ourselves through it, all the guessing and trying to read people, the being ignored after a date, the stress of seeing people are active on whatsapp but not replying to our messages, knowing when to remove your profile (then doing it and your iron disappearing), it all takes up so much energy.

Info, sorry about your iron, she sounds a bit anoying and maybe she's just not that bothered or she's talking to others and keeping her options open, I wouldn't keep chasing, leave it and see if she messages you.

I have been messaging mr mod today, I have had a pretty rubbish day, was chatting to him and now he's vanished, I can see he is on whatsapp but he hasn't replied to my message on messenger ( we were in the middle of a convocation and he just vanished ), I am trying not to read much into it as I know he has been speaking to him mum on whatsapp as his dad is dying, I don't really know why I went on there to check when he was last active (I hate this about what's app, turns us into stalkers).

That is one of the difficulties, seeing someone is online loads but not responding. You can't ever question that because you'd either get:

A) you're a stalker, blocked.
B) it always shows me online for some reason but I wasn't
C) I was talking to a family member over something serious
D) no reply
E) I was at work and couldn't reply

What you will never get is:

I was messaging other people and just not bothered about you.

Exactly Info, I always tend to think the worse (they are messaging other women) because I over think everything.

I'm going to step away from my phone and messenger .

OK - so to be positive about OLD:

1. I've learned I can go and meet strangers for a coffee and have interesting chats for at least an hour.

2. I've stayed over with 2 people that I liked and kissed but didn't want to have MB with, and they've been really respectful and not pushed for that at all - it's actually increased my faith in men

What other things can we add to the list?

Anon that is so true.
I'm having a weird day. Not only did MrPhd sort of reappear but the very first date I had from POF has also messaged me. I saw him once almost a month ago. It was a nice evening but something wasn't quite right about him. I haven't responded yet. I don't want to see him again. Just working out how to say that politely but firmly.

Good points about online dating;

• it has improved my confidence about my body (exdh told me 'no one would want you as your out of shape), I get a lot of meat tell me how attractive and fit I am, even if they are just after one thing
• it gives me something to do on my child free days.
• I enjoy talking to people in the evenings, makes being on my own a little more fun.
• I have made a few friends, even if most are crazy 😜

So, Mr Mod has just messaged me back and I am ignoring it for a bit, bit annoyed that he randomly disappeared for 4 hours when we were in the middle of a conversation and then he thit now he can pick up where he left off without saying 'sorry, I had to go and do xyz'. Anyway I am busy doing xyz talking on mumsnet so I can't message him right now. I haven't got a clue what's going on this weekend, he has asked if he can come over, I told him I was a bit busy but he still wanted to come, now he's off work ill and wants to come tomorrow but hasn't asked if I'm busy.