Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

Perhaps the best approach is to formalise your date - if she isn't keen then she will put this off.

But maybe you can say it nicely. Perhaps something like...

"I have noticed that you don't usually message me first (although we have great chats once we get going!). Is there any reason for that?"

It is reasonable to ask about why she isn't messaging first. Then it might open up a wider discussion about how keen she is.

There's a good chance she will say that she is worried you aren't keen or that she likes the man to take charge.

I don't know - is this a risky move? It doesn't seem so to me.

It sounds a little risky to me BUT if she is interested I guess she'd respond in the positive to that. If she isn't interested she'd probably ghost at that point or whatever.

Yeah too early for that info.
I think nail down a date for next week and continue to chat, doesn't matter if you are taking the lead at this stage. Once you have met and maybe had a couple of dates then if she can't be bothered to ever message first then you could have that discussion. Too soon now though. And all the dating advice out there is to get men to chase.
News from me is that my tinder date cancelled tonight. Hardly heard from him since day of date sorted last week so not bothered and think it could have been hard work.
Have a few am chatting to on there, one I really like so hope that ends up in a meet up. But think will remove the bit about meeting quickly as although I like that dont want to be meeting randoms who I have no connection with! And on tinder am thinking maybe that may be misinterpreted despite my sensible profile pics and stating I want a relationship!

I know that's what the advice says, but I don't want the kind of man who thinks he should chase and I should be all coy. Open and equal all the way as far as I'm concerned, no game playing.

And sorry about your cancelled date, plenty 😔

Info, I think you are looking too much into it. Some people like to be chased and don't initiate chat, some are just not very chatty and some just don't want to over invest before the first date. In the past I have messaged someone loads and then when it gets to the first date I haven't got anything left to ask them, she met just be holding back until she has met you. Try not to think too much about it and just arrange to meet up for coffee or a quiet drink. Mr mod doesn't message me loads but when I see him for a date he doesn't shut up.

You are right, my level of over thinking and over analysis is bonkers, there is a reason for that though, beyond my natural control anyway.

I messaged her to say if you still want to do something, we should organise a day for meeting up. I thought that was a decent plan as it was being assertive and sorting it but also showing that I wasn't 100% sure that this was a given.

She said yes, we should. So I told her when I was free and she said she'd check. So I can wait now for her to come back with a day and see how easily she does that.

I will try to remember everyone is different and this is something that can't be classified so easily!

Oh well, that is good progress! It is hard when the other person's communication style is so far off your own. Mind you, I went on a date with a prolific and beautiful communicator last year, and he ghosted me. Twice.

I am guilty of over analysing too, i find it hard not too, I'm trying hard not to this time ( or I'm trying not to show that I'm over analysing ).
Hopefully you will get a reply from her soon and you/she can set a date.

info

Right, three things.

She's not weapons grade. Yet. You haven't met her. You don't know if she picks her nose and eats it, laughs like a donkey, or smells slightly of whisky and sick.

Secondly (and sorry to disagree with previous posters) - don't bring up the fact that she doesn't message you first. She hasn't met you yet. She's not as invested as you are, although she may actually be very keen - but saying that would, I think, make you look needy or politely sulky.

Thirdly - yes, everyone is different. If she wants to be chased, and you're okay to chase, then do it. Eventually she needs to want to chase you back, but you haven't proved yourself yet.

Sort the date out, meet her, and then take the next step when there's a next step to take.

In the meantime, be funny and charming but not obsequious, and make her want to meet you.

Getting the first date is (relatively easy. It's getting the second and third dates that are tricky, because you're suddenly faced with a whole different person from who you thought, and it's no longer a stranger on a screen. Her voice may be nasal. She may get angry and bitter about her ex.

(These two are the reasons I've called things off with last weeks date)

Good luck, padawan:)

Hi everyone!!
Had to post, been reading with interest, taking lots of tips!!
Thing is, I've just seen my ex on Pof!!! He really broke my heart, feel sick.
Feel like I've got to come off it now...anyone else been through this? X

Yeah pixie. My ex has been viewing my profile several times a day, sometimes.

Can you block? Or blacklist?

Pixie, I was petrified of seeing my ex on POF which is why I didn't stay on there for long ( just long enough to get a few phone numbers ). You can block people so he can't look at your profile? I have a restraining order against my ex and he has tried contacting me in several ways so I was scared he would find me on there too.

All hail sensei Bant

I haven't seen an ex on OLD but I was seen on Tinder by my former boss (who I actually had a bit of a crush on). He text to ask what I was doing on there as he didn't know I'd split with my ex. I asked him if he'd swiped right and he avoided the question.

Try another site, pixie?

I am really surprised I haven't seen my ex on OKC, given that that's how we met, and I know he's been OLD recently (he met someone, then they broke up after a couple of months, so presumably he's Out There Again). Perhaps he came back onto the site, saw I was there and ran away!!

Good advice as usual Bant. I'll just be myself and it will either get the prize or not. Prize being multiple dates.

She hasn't messaged back since saying she would check her side for a time/date so this could all be immaterial now anyway!!

One of the difficulties is that because there isn't a whole lot of flow from her side, it restricts my flow. Part of my character can work well when I'm giving quick witty responses back to people but it's hard to do that when they're not exactly Busta Rhymes.

I'm on Pof, don't think you can block if they haven't messaged you??
I met him on there nearly 3 yrs ago and his profile is the same, same photos, his write up, he hasn't even bothered to change his daughters age!!!
It has knocked me really...although I'm not naive enough to think I wouldn't see him on OLD at some point, it's just not nice!!
Also, blokey I had a date with last night who I really liked has been back on too (I know I was on too, it's soooo complicated!!) so thinking he's not as bothered as I thought! All in all not a great evening...

She's not exactly busta rhymes?

Well personally, I would say that's a good thing.

Weapons grade, indeed..

Info, I know exactly what you mean, some people I chat to I hit it off with right away and will talk non stop for several days/weeks before meeting, I'm pretty easy to talk too but it has to work both ways.

Bant, the 'being angry about ex' is very off putting and it's one of the things that is anoying me about mr mod, he's not angry as such but likes to mention his ex wife quite a bit and I think I'm going to have to say something, I have tried giving him a taste of his own medicine and talking about my ex's but it doesn't seem to bother him.

I get the points about wanting to not cover everything before meeting but if you're too quiet, you don't learn enough to be happy that you actually want a date.

I'm agreeing though totally that it's all about in person, that's the only way I could gauge her real personality. Everything else is guesswork.and assumptions. With a sprinkling of over analysis as the seasoning :)

Info!! I think you should cool the jets a little til you meet this woman. Bant has given really good advice here. All going well she'll come back with availability for a date, and roll from there.
She might look hot, but she also might be a total bint, and you won't know til you meet her.

Bob on fair that, consider my jets given a liberal application of cold water and soothing balm :)

Bant Rules
Info Arreeeeet (that's french) pls stop thinking ! Don't dare sending that question (sorry can't find it again) about not being bothered. Far too early. Wrong on so many levels. This is the time to be your most charming self not whinging. & I say this from the bottom of my heart
Wise words from love and plenty.

remember so pleased you are having a lovely time with this one. Hope he is ok and whatever he is having troubles with is not too serious.

plenty I had the same issue with that line about meeting as opposed not getting into long drawn out text convos for ever... but it does attract far too many who assume they just need to invite you for a coffee/drink without any criteria/selection/process

oooooh my life sucks at the moment and I sooooo want to go out and date... I m texting to two and can't believe they are hanging in there as I have made it pretty clear I am a wreak

Hi all!
Hope you are all well and enjoying some quality dates
So, I have been seeing a guy for 6 weeks now. It is going pretty well; not 100% sure that he's my type exactly, but I do like him very much.
One thing I have really appreciated is that since meeting, we have texted each other every day. Not great big text marathons, but one or two a day anyway.
I really like this, as it keeps the spark (and my interest!) going between dates, and I also find it strangely reassuring.
However, although he still seems keen, his texts are now starting to drop to say every 2nd day. It's making me start to feel a bit uneasy.
I am honestly not overly needy, but when a pattern is broken like this, it spoils things a little for me. It's like there was an expectation there, which is now no longer being met.
God, that does sound demanding , but I wonder if anyone knows what I mean.
So the last text I sent, was to say that I would be seeing him exclusively (we have done the deed), in response to him saying the same thing. I am normally very guarded, so it took a lot for me to wear my heart on my sleeve … albeit in a very small way! It was by no means a declaration of love or anything ridiculous like that. I have told him that I like and fancy him, but absolutely nothing over the top.
To my mind, not the kind of text you'd sit on for too long without replying.
Am I being totally pathetic, for expecting the daily texts not to drop off the horizon? It definitely changes things for me, rightly or wrongly.
Jeez oh, I sound more like a teenager than the (normally) sensible 42 year old woman I am …
Thanks!