Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

Aintthat good news on your 1st date too!

Brightened up my life. Pricy in terms of £. Not sustainable emotionally.

Just had a good second date but think I'm sending out friendship signals rather than I'm attracted signals. We kissed at end but briefly as it was raining. Anyone have tips for text messages that say "yes I probably would like mooseburgers with you" but more subtle?

Thanks for the questions about me, some good ones there :)

I'd understand the height thing but I'm 6' and slim so for those things I should measure up well. Yeah I have the cropped hair but I have a sharp short beard too so those two along with dressing smart I hope carried off a snappy trendy look rather than some kind of football hooligan or something!

I've got down actively seeking a relationship and made it clear that's what I'm after. I have a 10yr old daughter myself so I've mentioned in my profile that kids is totally fine, I love family days out and stuff.

The techie element. I look after servers and software so my specialist areas are really servers, IIS, SQL and that whole networking and web protocols kinda thang. I'm into cyber security also and have work and personal interest in that whole area, particularly around Linux. I'm one of the good guys though so I don't do naughty things with all that :)

Joining this thread - hi ladies.

Have posted elsewhere in relationships previously but not had a date in years, since having DD and may need to re-train.

info I have no clue then! You seem like you're doing everything right, just keep on swimming and I'm sure it's just a numbers game!

Welcome phoenix

Lilacpink40 How is kissing a friendship signal? Sounds like you're overthinking. Maybe send him a message referring to the best part of the date and how you'd like to see him again...?

Hi last

Can I post something, if only for MN entertainment value because this guy's behaviour is so bad?

The only guy around at the moment is annoying me. I think he is what MN would describe as a sex pest.

For example -

• When I was on my own with a tiny baby he would message me late at night saying he just happened to be just down the road on business and could he drop by - I always ignored or said no
• Now my DD is pre-school age. Over the past few years he has repeatedly, consistently messaged me saying I should get a babysitter, so that we can go to a hotel together and have sex. He’s that upfront about it, which I appreciate in a weird way. I’ve generally replied to say sorry I can’t find a babysitter which I realise is not very direct and a passive way to fob him off but still you would think he would have got the message by now
• Sometimes he drops by my house - a couple of times a year, towards evening time. I make sure my DD is awake and nowhere near going to bed. He seems to want her to go to bed so we can drink wine (I assume he thinks I would sleep with him at that point) - even where DD falls asleep I say I’m not in the mood for wine, and he tends to leave quite soon after. I could say don’t come round, but sometimes I just want some company and conversation
• He just keeps checking in with me basically, to see whether I’ll sleep with him yet
• I did once sleep with him when we were much younger, but that was a long time ago. I suppose in his mind that must mean I’m still a sales prospect of sorts, as opposed to the women who have never consented to sleep with him?
• He told me that in the past year he has seen another girl, and apparently she went crazy on him, she is crazy. I hate it when men call women crazy as this is invariably code for ‘wants something other than what I want or has a problem with me being a shitbag but I don’t want to acknowledge that so I’m going to call her crazy’
• He says this other girl is commitment phobic. He says another girl he knows is commitment phobic. He says I am commitment phobic. And that he has drawn the conclusion that he somehow mistakenly attracts commitment phobic women

I guess I wish he would up his game. He could, for example figure out that repeatedly propositioning the same women for sex over and over without expressing much interest in them other than this is essentially saying ‘hey you, I’m looking for a free prostitute, how about servicing me - oh and you can pay for a babysitter in order to do it’.

I want to see different behaviour from men approaching me, but he is the only one who is approaching me so far. I’ll admit I’m not on any dating sites and just go to work and look after a child, so haven’t been trying.

Reading through some of the dating posts on here I think I have a lot to learn first.

Hi, joining please! Just started OLD and will have my first date next week. Will need a hand hold

Just realised how long that was - oops
But he is a charmer

Hi Phoenix he calks his exGF is crazy yet thinks stalking and sexual coercion are normal? I'd avoid him like the plague.

Hi Miss are you more nervous or excited about 1st date?

Pringle good point but rest of the date we laughed like old friends and when he sat next to me towards end I froze. Didn't mean to but in cramped pub and suddenly felt awkward. I have taken your advice and said I liked the kiss, eek!

Linux MrLD's contribution to my Christmas Chromebook purchases for my kids was to try to convince me to hack them to run Linux. I politely declined...

I'm not really sure if this is strictly a 'dating' question, but at what point do you go from 'seeing someone' to 'being in a relationship'? I'm never really sure how to refer to MrLD because 'boyfriend' implies a status I'm not 100% sure he'd be on board with. Is this something you have to have a conversation about? How does that happen then?

Phoenix, I think it's good you've realised his intentions and have realised what your personal standard /boundary is in wanting to be treated better than just sex on tap. I think you may need to be more direct with him so he doesn't keep trying, he sounds like a nightmare! You can do better than that and although I get the loneliness it does not sound like he is the answer to that if he is only really after one thing.
I reckon you should get yourself online and start chatting to some guys. You never know where that could lead.

phoenix - he is a charming sex pest. If you're actively having to find excuses not to have sex with him, and he keeps asking, then he's pestering you for sex.

The crazy thing, yes it's overused. However I had a girlfriend who thought I was going to kill her. For no reason, out of nowhere, she thought I was going to push her in a river, and thought there were burglars entering the basement of her house on a regular basis, even though the Windows were locked.

That's not 'wanting something other than what I want' - that's 'has problems with reality'

But that aside, tell him not to come round anymore. In my opinion

Agree with you Lilac
I was in a pretty dire relationships before I had DD, so still figuring out what normal and respectful behaviour looks like, though that may sound odd to some

Am going to opt for a profile and lunch time dates at first in an attempt to filter out those who are just looking for one thing, saying I can't do after hours dates just yet.. hoping that might work as a tactic

Very nervous and very excited! We've had lots of texts, few long calls and he makes me laugh and seems cool.
We shall see....

Welsh, with a couple of my OLD exes after about 5-6 dates being exclusive and removing dating profiles was mentioned. After that I considered them to be my boyfriend and kind of referred to them as that

Plenty we had the exclusivity chat after our second date, and we both said we weren't interested in seeing anyone else. I removed my profile, I assume he's done likewise. We've been seeing each other for about 3 months.

Hmm, Welsh got you. Not sure then. Maybe is best left undefined for the time being. Boyfriend is an awkward word when you're older and partner is more for living together tupe stage. Not sure what the in between bit would be.

Thanks Plenty . If I was really interested in what he is offering, I could have taken it up at any time. In a way I've been intrigued that I completely ignore him he doesn't get the message and change his behaviour. He just repeats the same sort of thing, over and over.

Bant what??? You are right, that is a different definition of crazy.

I think what this guy might be referring to is push/pull behaviour he feels he experiences from women, and in trying to analyse this I can see I might have some responsibility here. For not being direct and saying 'look, just stop it ok' but fobbing him off and ignoring him and hoping he gets the message. Maybe in his mind 'sorry, I can't come out tonight' really means 'maybe next time she will say she can come out and sleep with me'? - that's a bit of a stretch though

And thanks, will do

he is just a chancer and most definitely not a charming one

Phoenix, I have a friend who is very similar, pesters for sex, messages me from time to time asking how I am and then tries to arrange to meet up for sex. It's hard as I have known him for many years and sometimes we just chat and help each other out but it usually ends with him asking for sex.
I think you need to avoid him, ignore the messages and try and find someone who is not a sex pest.

Mr MOD is giving me mixed signals, he has told me before that he struggles to show his feelings but at times he talks quite deep about his feelings. This week we have hardly spoken compared to last week, I know he has a lot going on and has been unwell but I kind of like to be chased a little. So I was getting used to the fact that this might not work, thinking, maybe he's not that into me then last night we messaged for 20 minutes (again it wasn't as good as before), he said he was going to have a shower and go to bed, I just messaged back 'ok' and then tried to go to sleep and I get a message saying 'I think I'm falling for you, I can't stop thinking about you' . He's meant to be coming over tomorrow for the day and possibly night, he says 'he can't wait to see me' but I have a feeling something will come up and he won't come over ( just a gut feeling ).

OLD and starting new relationships just seems so stressful, I think I'm just over thinking everything rather than letting things just happen.

Love - all you can do is take him at his word. it could be a case of sweetening you up in advance of your seeing each other (I had that from MR Cook). judge him by his actions - but as I learnt, use your intuition too.

If someone makes you question yourself constantly, it can't be good. if you need reassurance all the time there has to be something wrong, surely.

I am sure that given time, you will settle into something more peaceful - but if he can't express his emotions it might take longer than otherwise. You need him to tell you how he feels and you should be brave enough to ask. :)