Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

beauty - he used the fact he knew your ex as an excuse to call things off. If he was really into you he would have seen it as fate, or something, instead he used it as an excuse.

So now he's looking for a bunk up. If that's what you want, then go for it, but I suspect it's not. I'd ignore, unless he was really amazing in bed, and you're okay with being a booty call. Sending an emoji from a Facebook account with a different name - that's very different from him getting in touch and saying he's made a huge mistake and would you give him a second chance.

I'd bin him off.

(Sorry, you wanted honest )

This evening, I shall be mostly going on a date

Hi everyone, I was wondering if I could join?

I've had 7 lovely dates with the same man, things seem to be going well. Last saw him on Saturday morning (I stayed over at his on the Friday night) and we had a lovely time, chatted all night. Seeing him again on Saturday, we're going to the cinema then back to his for food and drinks. We've been in daily contact, not constantly messaging but a few texts each day asking how the days been, a few jokes and stuff. This is the first person since splitting with exdp who I've genuinely liked, I suffer from anxiety and I'm trying really hard not to become too involved but I feel as if I'm constantly waiting for him to end things even though he's given me no indication that he's not into me!

Any tips on how to stop feeling like this?

All the best for your date Bant. Is it a newbie or a 2nd date? Are toilet updates still a must?

I think loo break updates are fun but afterwards may bd better as you can descibe the bigger picture?

Hi Heather I'm totally over-invested in someone I've been on one date with. We've spoken on the phone most evenings over a week and he's joked about me being 'the one' as we havr a lot in common. I'm going with it, enjoying the 'rush'. I know there could be a fall and it's happened before, but it's fun too. At 7 dates getting on I'd be very happy.

Heather 7 dates sounds great. There are lovely guys out there [and girls too] and it sounds like you have found one. Enjoy!

Good luck Bant!

HeatherMoony, I am exactly the same as you, so no tips to share I'm afraid. Will read with interest any advice you're given though!

At least I know I'm not the only one who feels like this, I had a thread a few weeks ago and people gave me really good advice about dealing with my anxiety but now I'm feeling anxious about him ending things. I read into EVERYTHING, every text he sends, everything I said, everything he said.... so stupid because I can't enjoy it properly. My friends must be sick of me
He seems lovely and really into me, he hasn't put a foot wrong yet I still feel this way. I need someone to hand me a grip. I can't control his feelings anyway so worrying is futile, doesn't help though although alcohol does

I think I'm exdp fucked me up. Made me feel unlovable so now someone is showing genuine interest in me I can't understand why so I'm just waiting for it all to end!

I need to stay positive.

Sorry, this has turned into a really long post, sorry to hijack!!

Me nice has messaged me today to apologise for the cock photos, apparently he had too much to drink and was thinking about me, he kept saying sorry. I messaged back saying 'oh well, it gave me something to laugh about' . Mr MOD tried messaging me today, appolagised for not being able to talk last night, I then messaged him back and got no answer, I could see he was online so I messages 'have I done something wrong?', he quickly messaged back saying 'no, not at all' and then gave me a load of bull shit about him being ill and told me he really likes me and can't wait to see me etc...etc..., then he tried to call me as he thought I was grumpy with him. Hopefully it's just me being paranoid? I told him I wasn't in the mood for talking to anyone and I wanted a quiet day (to think if I really want to be in a relationship because I don't think I can do this being paranoid thing, maybe I'm not ready?).

Heather, I think I a, probably the same as you, I suffer from anxiety and am scared of people ending things due to past expereances. I keep trying to tell myself all will be fine, if it ends then I will be fine. No one likes rejection and I think some of us fear it a lot.

rejection really is the worst thing and modern dating "rules" don't make that any easier.

The best realtionships apparently come from a shared secure attachment. But most of us have gone through our lives forming all kinds of relationships that are not secure and we have learnt lessons that have affected our thought patterns.

Its like we all need to start fresh.

Inthemood...that's ok. I am telling myself that I can't be serious as well! But willing to give it a shot...

Heather - this is very common, the anxiety. The problem is it can be caused by several different reasons.

Either it's purely down to your anxiety, he's not said or done anything at all. In which case all you can do is try and relax, go with the flow, and enjoy the moment rather than worry about the future. This is what most men do, to be honest. We don't worry, we try not to overthink, and we don't plan too far ahead.

Alternatively, you're picking up on signals which he's giving out, but you're not consciously aware of. I think this is less likely, but some posters have experienced it before. Gut instinct.

The downside of the first is that if you act weird and pull back, he may pull back too, making it a self fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe try concentrating on the fact that you can choose to end things if you want. Put yourself back in charge. Don't give him all the power.

Hi all,

I haven't been on for a while either but have been reading. I have a first date tonight with an iron I have been talking to since the end of November. We have both been really busy at work and hadn't had the chance to meet up before. I'm pretty sure he will be a nice bloke but quite worried I won't fancy him and we have been talking so long

Good luck Bant tonight also

Good luck Aint and Bant - update us later

Good luck bant and aint for tonight. Both first dates - exciting!

Remember yes I've read that too recently secure-secute attachment is supposed to be the strongest. Anxious-avoidants often end up together (anxious accepting the avoidants behaviour as blame themselves) anxious-anxious less so for reasons bant outlined (both pull away) and avoidant-avoidant can be together but more like friends than partners.

From what Ive read women are more likely to be anxious and men avoidant, if not secure. I definitely fit into the anxious attachment box.

Ooh good luck you datees! I'm already getting OI in my iron I think, I think about him a lot. I'm not used to feeling like this about a man!

Heather I'm the same to a degree. Seeing someone lovely but I'm just waiting for it to go wrong because I can't possibly be worthy. I see him as being 'out of my league' and it's like I'm waiting for him to realise, even though he's given no indication of anything but ongoing interest.

My ex DP fucked me up too. I think you just have to take a deep breath and have faith in decency.

Lots of us over-investing / anxious.

We need an OI area with beanbags and

Good luck to everyone with their dates.
I'm getting fed up with it all already. I have no patience!
If I get messages then they're mostly "hi sexy" which I ignore. If I message a guy then I generally get no reply. I'm supposed to have a date tomorrow but I haven't heard from him in two days despite the fact he seems to be permanently on POF.
I have a second date lined up but that's nearly two weeks away so anything could happen.
So I'm trying to just keep busy with other things and not worry about.

Hoping to join in and got a question....
I'm OLD, had a few dates...nothing doing!
Thing is I'm not really up for a full on relationship. Was very hurt by my ex, and really just want someone to go out with/see on the weekends I don't have my dc. Like a casual, fun thing.
Anyone else like this? How do you go about it? Few dates I've had have been looking for the full relationship thing, or want just sex, sexting/nudie pics, not going out!!!
Am I asking for the impossible?

Heather and Welsh, I'm was very much the same, questioning why Mr31 liked me, not believing the things he'd say, wondering why he chose me. I feel much more secure now, but still have the odd wobbly moment. I enjoy decided to believe him though, as if he didn't mean it, he wouldn't still be here and actually, I am lovely It's not his fault my ex cheated and left for someone half my age, but I was letting that colour my feelings.

Pixie, I have managed to do it a few times, last time I was doing OLD I had I guy that came over me st weekends when my dc wear at their dads, mainly it would be for sex but he feared to take me out places and we would talk a lot about general crap. It lasted a few months and then I ended up in a relationship ( with someone else ).

Thanks Lovemusic...It's not impossible then!!
I just wondered...did you put any info on your OLD page. I've tried to say I don't want anything too serious but it sounds like I'm just after a quick bunk up so I chose to put nothing!! Haha!!

I'm waiting for my date who is stuck in traffic. Don't usually get nervous but am for some reason.

Oh well onwards and upwards.

I used to be pretty anxious (in the sense you mean; guess you could also call it "needy") in relationships, but that changed when I a) had DS1, and b) discovered some things about myself that enabled me to become far more objective about Life, the Universe and Everything. Since then, I have become quite adept in the Fine Art of Not Giving a Shit . Although, I do wonder slightly whether I've just morphed into an avoidant? XP was pretty anxious; he had an entire internal paranoid dialogue going on that had little to do with reality .

I know what you mean about over investing though; still texting away to my prospective Saturday date and we're getting on better and better.....circumstances have dictated that we spend 2-3 weeks doing this, and hell, it's going to hurt now if we don't click in real life.