DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

[Anxiouswife]

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

Ignore the stupid, manipulative bastard. Concentrate on you and your children's d the best way for you to move forward without this bollicks.

And er, mumsnet, not netmums

Sister in law is only 21 and came over to help watch the kids while I didn't know where he was. She's just left. She's very quiet and didn't get involved. His family aren't the type to get involved. They really keep themselves to themselves. I'm going to wait until the kids are in bed and then have a proper talk to him.

EvieSparkleOx - thank you!

Good luck anxious. You sound like you have good boundaries and a plan. Hang in there. Do you have RL support, someone you can call to come over and keep you company/sit with the children if he kicks off?

Good luck, OP. Stick to your guns.
As an aside, Relationships has got weird recently. Lots of 'stick by your man' and 'suck it up' type shite.

Wow what a wanker.
I can understand why your so angry but have biggest respect that your managing not to clop him over the head with something large and heavy.
Take my hat off to you

He knows he was 100% to blame and I agree, but I he should do those things unprompted.

He should have come home on bended knees for his verbal abuse.

OP, you are very level headed and sensible. Take care.

Good luck OP. Horrible when someone you love tries to force you to accept such awful behaviour as 'normal' or your own fault.

He owns his behaviour, as a previous poster wrote. Whatever he says, you didn't 'make' him do anything. And you shouldn't be asked to pretend nothing happened to save his embarrassment or feeling bad. His behaviour, his responsibility.

Your 8 year old can be told the truth to make sense of it. "Daddy drank too much alcohol and became abusive towards mummy. He drove off drunk, which is dangerous and a crime." Don't cover for him, especially not in front of the kids. They need to know this was wrong and should never happen. If they tell others, so be it, it wasn't you who did it, don't hide his crap.

OP, Please don't say this to your son. In particular, he doesn't need to know about the drink driving. There is no purpose in burdening him with this information as it's likely to cause him more anxiety about his father. This is about protecting your son from unnecessary worry and NOT about covering for your husband.

The 8 year old already knows. He saw dad drunk, heard his abuse, saw him drive and throw the phone. It would be nice for him to now hear all of the above was wrong.

Yes, he does know. DH has spoken to him, told him he was very rude to Mummy, is going to try and make it up to her, was very stupid to drive off drunk etc etc. Poor kid keeps bursting into tears begging us not to get divorced....nothing either of us says is going to be enough.

DH is going to stay with a friend all week, we've told the children he's going away for work. I need some space to think about my needs and the kids' needs. He is being very sheepish and apologetic now but I've told him it's not enough / is any indication that it won't happen again. And that it happening again isn't an option.

Our marriage was pretty decent I think. His drinking has hit a point where it's affecting his behaviour though. He's gradually drunk more and more over the past couple of years. It's becoming a problem. I've thought that for months but he'd bite my head off if I mentioned it. We had a fairly blunt conversation about it last night and he says he'll stop but I know it's not that easy.

To be really blunt, I also need to figure out how to protect my finances before we go any further down the splitting up road. My money paid for our house, most of our savings and investments are mine from money I had before we got married. I've got an apt with a solicitor my friend has put me in touch with this week.

Thank you ladies for listening. I might post again but I kind of want to listen to my instincts for a while now. Do a bit of soul searching...

I think you need to make giving up alcohol, joining a program to do so, part of any agreement to work your marriage out. He has to acknowledge there's a serious problem and no half-way measures; no more drinking.

Good luck, OP

Very, very good idea to get your finances protected - don't listen to him if he tries to persuade you that everything is now fine, drinking under control etc etc. I'm afraid you will probably have to spend the rest of your marriage keeping a very careful eye on things ... that's if you decide it's worth continuing with.

Good luck whatever you do.

You sound very sensible and level headed OP, I admire the way you're handling this. A week apart, whilst you take legal advice and sort finances and get your head together is great. No advice, but I wish you well. Look after yourself,

I don't believe in setting conditions for an adult. You decide your own boundaries. If the idiot can't work out he needs help for his alcoholism after how he's behaved, it's not up to OP to police him. Absolutely spot on to prioritise doing anything you can do to protect your finances OP. Keep listening to yourself.

IMHO you should hold on to your hope that this could work out, up until a couple of days ago, you thought "your marriage was pretty decent".
Your husband has a drink problem, Its not something most alcoholics decide they "needs help" for. it is a sickness.
He needs to prove he is serious about stopping before there is any chance of fixing this.
Yes protect your finances immediately.
Good Luck Anxious

I agree with kitty completely.

Tempting though it is to set conditions in a situation like this, if you do, you put yourself into a parenting role rather than a partner one. Waaaay more likely to increase the dysfunction and breed codependency IMO.