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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

168 replies

Anxiouswife · 14/01/2017 07:36

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 14/01/2017 09:19

He behaved appallingly and I would be fuming with him. Right up until the driving off drunk bit. That would finish it for me I'm afraid and I'm not one to usually jump to ltb.
I could never trust him again.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/01/2017 09:19

I hope you're ok OP and he's gone without a fight until Monday.

It wasn't a 'hullabaloo' as I think you already know. Cruel and nasty to you, actions and words designed to hurt you badly, hugely disproportionate to the actual argument (whether it be washing up or his sadly frustrated urges (ffs)).

Then he deliberately upset his son. Who the fuck does that? What kind of person looks at their terrified, panicked son and carries on leaving in that way? What kind of parent is so selfish and uncaring that they don't adjust their behaviour to stop damaging their little boy? It's fucking disgusting. And that boy has been harmed by what he did. Daddy screaming at mummy. Daddy leaving, leaving not just mummy but leaving the little boy too... and as for throwing his phone out of the car window. Vindictive sick fucking bastard.

And topping it all off with drink driving. Which is a serious offence, not excusable in any way. Plus the towering rage would impair driving even without the alcohol.

Yay. What a hullabaloo.

I'm sorry OP. Please look after yourself and please look after your boy, there will be consequences burned into that child's brain long after the event itself. It's not your fault it happened in any way, but I hope you find some anger and determination to stop him learning stuff that's not ever ok. Flowers

WetNovemberDay · 14/01/2017 09:22

What did he want an apology from you for?

I would get on with your day with the kids today and see if hes gone this evening. If not ask him to go.

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 09:24

my thinking is not skewed through my experiences but some people seem to react ott, i hope that most people do not act like this in front of their kids but how would you really know what goes on behind closed doors, 'my dh would never, my friends would never,how would you know unless you were told or heard it for yourself ?
i totally agree with everyone who says it was a horrible situation all round for op dc and their poor dog and it shouldn't be happening at all, but in the same thread unless there is a history of this, i think op needs to get her head together and as other posters have said keep busy, while deciding what she wants to do.
hope you are ok now op, ds and dog, please let us know, i speak straight but i do care about people Flowers

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2017 09:48

So what you're saying, pipsqueak, is that the OP needs to wait for her husband to do this again. Then here will be "history" and she will have a good enough reason to split from him.

May I ask, what is your take on him demanding that she apologise?

He mumbles an apology, and then demands one from her.

Do you think he is doing everything he needs to do to allow the relationship to continue? Do you not think the OP should expect more than that, even if she was minded to treat his actions last night as a "one off"?

DameDeDoubtance · 14/01/2017 09:55

Abuse is abuse, you don't have to put up with it multiple times for it to count. He didn't just have a bit of a swear, he was vile multiple times in front of children. He was bloody awful to the dog then he drove off drunk, all of which are deal breakers.

i get it pipsqueak, I really do. Most of society is queuing up to tell women that we have to put up with this shit. Well, ya don't, abuse is abuse and you don't have to put up with it or hang around for a second helping.

DameDeDoubtance · 14/01/2017 09:56

What really pisses me off is that so many people are concerned that LTB is dished out quite regularly, they are rarely concerned that there are so many abusive shitty partners out there.

SparklyMagpie · 14/01/2017 09:58

itisnot PLEASE tell me you are joking?

I have never heard so much shit in a post Hmm

Does it matter if he wanted to " make love" (oh my God Hmm ) nobody should be spoken to like that, and using her child to make another dig - please tell me how you justify saying and doing those things oh and driving drunk, because the OP wanted to do the washing up?

I can't take you seriously, fucking hell

PaulaBBB · 14/01/2017 10:00

How are things op?

kaitlinktm · 14/01/2017 10:06

Maybe she would have been more inclined to "make love" if she knew she didn't have to go down to a load of dirty pots in the kitchen in the morning.
Who wants to "make love" with someone who calls you a fucking bitch if he doesn't get his own way?

Living with people like this just poisons your life,

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 10:09

hard i was asking if he had done this before not looking into a crystal ball for the future, she did nothing wrong she doesn't need to apologise he was the twat, but i'm saying this stuff happens and whilst it shouldn't it does. people need to be responsible for their own actions. op knows the truth of what happened and it is up to her what she does now about it.
kick me as much as you like posters but i am only giving a view point like everyone else on here. i too, want her to be o.k.
it would be good if she got back to us to let us know that though.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 14/01/2017 10:21

What really pisses me off is that so many people are concerned that LTB is dished out quite regularly, they are rarely concerned that there are so many abusive shitty partners out there

^ this

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2017 10:31

pipsqueak, my question is not whether you believe that Anxious should apologise, but what you think of him demanding an apology.

Do you think his actions are enabling this to be treated as a "one off"?

Is what you are really saying, that Anxious should "forgive and forget" even though her husband has done nothing to show remorse (aside from a mumbled apology) and has given her no reason to think he will not act in that way again? And if so, why is it down to Anxious to ensure that the relationship continues. Why does her husband have no responsibility in this?

And please! I am not "kicking" you for having a different opinion to me. I am challenging your opinion, certainly. Is it not robust enough to be challenged?

Naicehamshop · 14/01/2017 10:37

What Hardcore said.

EvieSparkles0x · 14/01/2017 10:53

pipsqueak you really don't think that shouting at someone calling them a fucking bitch loud enough for young children hear is abusive? In that case unfortunately I agree with Skangs post. The OP is clearly distressed by this and rightl so, even if you for some reason don't think that behaviour is unacceptable, please don't minimise her experience.

My OH went through a low point of depression and medicating with alcohol a couple of years ago and he never, never called me any names or acted abusive or intimidating in any way, even if I was upset with him. So no it is not normal and cannot be justified by being drunk.

MarmiteDoesYouGood · 14/01/2017 11:18

What really pisses me off is that so many people are concerned that LTB is dished out quite regularly, they are rarely concerned that there are so many abusive shitty partners out there

This is what really worries me every time I read these numerous threads on mumsnet! I think I've been sheltered in that I've never been with somebody so horrible, but it really saddens me that so many people put up with it too.

Calling your OH a fucking bitch is not okay. There are plenty of people who would not do it. OP, you deserve to be with one of those people. Don't tell yourself that this is normal or acceptable behaviour.

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/01/2017 11:21

I hope your day is going ok op? I think you need to ask him to give you space. You have no reason to apologise to him at all.

GinIsIn · 14/01/2017 11:26

OP you have done exactly the right thing. Today is a new day and the start of nobody getting to treat you in such an utterly shitty way. Flowers for you- you and your DC have to be your first priority.

itsnoteasy - are you on glue?! Absolutely - nothing puts the laydeez in the mood to be 'taken to bed to make love' than being called fucking bitch in front of their child. Hmm If you can't comment without trying to normalise clearly abusive behaviour then you really need to not comment at all.

EweAreHere · 14/01/2017 11:32

I hope you and your son are ok today, OP. I think you did the right thing telling him to go until your boy is back in school. You don't need that behavior in your home, your child's home.

Think hard about what you want to happen now. You should not have to live like this.

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 12:01

evie you were fortunate, most people when they are depressed do not generally want to engage with others in any shape or form, alcohol makes the depression worse so it is understandable he did not engage with you on such a negative level. i'm not putting her experience down it was nasty but it might have calmed down as she hasn't been back, unless people want to read into that as well

kittybiscuits · 14/01/2017 12:06

No Evie wasn't fortunate. Please stop it with your ill-informed advice and information pipsqueak. You haven't got a clue what you are talking about. Start your own thread if you like. This is someone else's thread and it would be great if they felt able to come back here for support at some point.

Happyinthehills · 14/01/2017 12:10

Maybe she's not been back because as she said above she has to get her DC to and from various activities without and assistance from her waste of space H?

Offred · 14/01/2017 12:10

Pip - there may be more single parents but there would be fewer children living with verbal abuse and aggression.

Calling your partner a fucking bitch quite rightly should be a relationship ender. Even if it is somewhat normal in your social circles or for you then I don't see why it makes it ok?

No-one has a duty to stay married but people do have a duty to safeguard their kids.

HardcoreLadyType · 14/01/2017 12:14

Anxious posted that there were lots of activities to take her 4 DC to today. I imagine she is too busy trying to keep up with normal family life to update MN.

That would seem the most obvious reason for a lack of updates. Not that Anxious should feel she owes a load of randoms on the internet any kind of update, anyway.

(Keep posting, if you feel it's useful, though, Anxious.)

Stilllivinginazoo · 14/01/2017 12:19

Hugs for anxious. You are worth soo much more my love.and you want your DC to have good examples how grown ups behave towards each other.I would never advocate breaking up a happy home,but yours doesn't sound happySad