DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

[Anxiouswife]

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

Well done - his behaviour was appalling and designed to upset you and the DC.
He will probably claim that the drink was the cause. It was his choice to drink to that extent and that's a choice he can decide not to make again.

Is this normal for him? Getting drunk and being abusive? That's not acceptable for you or the kids.

He is very lucky the Police didn't see him as he will have lost his licence if he was over the limit.

If you take him back and if he does this again call the Police to report him drunk driving. It's not acceptable to let someone knowingly drive whilst drunk, what if he had killed someone?

I can't believe he is asking you to apologise. Stand your ground here, op.

Its a shame he didn't spend the night in a police cell.

Before the update I was going to say:

Don't waste the police time, he's fine. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Now he's back it's a shame.
I wouldn't put myself or my child through that again.

Get rid.

Love him expecting you to apologise! What an ocean going grade A drunk driving cunt he is.

Taste the freedom, OP!

Has he actually packed his bags and gone though? Or is he still there arguing?

He sounds bloody awful, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of life at all. You and the DC deserve better.

One last thing - if he ever drives off drunk again, you will call the police won't you?

Also, a good thing to remember which helps you stay strong is:

He owns his behaviour.

It sounds simple, but what tends to happen is the pressure is put on you to change in order to accept his unkind behaviour. Naturally, a kind person will look at themselves and think 'how did I cause this and what can I do to stop it happening again' even though you know what he's doing is unacceptable. It's almost subconscious this reaction. Bit by bit you start adapting to it, trying to prevent it happening again.

Sadly, this is totally useless because: he owns his behaviour and you can do nothing to prevent it happening again. In fact, the more things you try in terms of trying to stop him drinking so much or going out with his mates, the more aggressive he will be. Or the more you try to accept his verbal name calling, the more he'll feel he can use that tactic again next time.

It's an awful position to be in. When he's gone you'll realise your life will be so much easier just knowing nothing bad will happen that day.

My prediction is:
He'll leave with a parting shot of saying something particularly nasty.
Then, you won't hear from him for a few days. At which point, if he hasn't found anyone else to stay with, he'll be calling you and saying he's going to sort himself out.
This is crucial: stay strong. Agree he needs to sort himself out. But that is not going to happen if you are together. Because from this point on you are not going to take the blame for his behaviour (you don't need to tell him this - just remember it). He is in charge of sorting himself out, if indeed he ever intends to.

Then book yourself an appointment with CAB (citizens advice bureau) as you will need to sort things out financially. But don't worry about that right now.

You don't deserve this OP. Make a plan. Don't allow your children to learn from him that this is the right way for people to behave.

Good luck. xx

Anxious - you do not have to put up with this shit, ever. You wouldn't let your boss speak to you like that, you wouldn't let your colleague.

You will be better on your own than with an abuser and you will be showing your son that speaking to women like that is not acceptable.

I wonder what is behind the insistance to celar up straight away which lead to the ensuing fight?

We never bother clearing up after a dinner with friends so we can relax together. It's our way. Nothing wrong in doing it straight away if both of you want to. But it seems there is a different attitude between you.

Did DH want to take you to bed and make love? if so you effectvely slammed the door in his face by choosing washing up over making love. I would suggest if he wanted to watch football, he would simply sit in front of the TV..(much to your annoyance).. So there muct have been something emotional going on.

Whatever, you have an almighty job on your hands now. DS is upset and wants his dad back. If things go pear shaped you will become a single mother... Reading other posts from SM's it is not an easy life.

Many others will suggest LTB... I suggest you both need to step back and take a good look at your relationship. Whichever, good luck.

Is there a background OP or is this the first time he has done this?

What does he want you to apologise for exactly? The fact that you were tidying up???

So she shares the blame different?

Prioritise your dc and yourself. Your h is a dick and can look after himself. You have this.

"Take her to bed and make love"?

Itsnoteasy - are you having a laugh? Seriously? He was drunk, abusive, tried to kidnap the dog, drove away drunk but you think op should examine her behaviour? Maybe check if he wanted a shag first?

Bloody hell, surrendered wife much. Single mother is 100% better than abused wife, better for the kids too when a woman shows that abuse is not acceptable.

So it's okay to abuse your wife in front of an impressionable child if it's because she didn't want to be taken upstairs and made love to, like an object?

Give me a bucket, 'make love' ???

The rest of that post Itisnoteasybeingdifferent is victim blaming shit. OP is supposed to behave like a Stepford wife to keep her man sweet??

Load of crap.

Wtf itis

I'd rather be a single mother than live like that.

I would feel safer and better off away from an abusive person. The final straw would be suggesting my own son thinks I'm a "fucking bitch". I can't even put in to words how vile that is.

Stay strong, OP.

Are you actually serious different?

If she wanted to clear away, that's up to her. She doesn't need his blessing to do so. And the idea that he reacted like that because he wanted to 'make love to her' is even worse. So what if that's what he wanted?

He seems controlling. He left chucking the phone so you would worry. You have nothing to apologise for. Has he done similar before?

itsnoteasy surely a better way to lure someone into bed is to be nice to them FFS

I just did a bit of sick in my mouth reading itssoeasy post

You must be fucking joking itsnoteasy

Oh dear OP that sounds awful, You must be exhausted. I don't think the behaviour that you've described comes under the banner of " normal" arguing between partners. The fact that he was unconcerned about your son hearing his abuse of you is really concerning. Is that his normal position in an argument or was it fuelled by the alcohol? I know that you've got lots of things in your plate today but perhaps being busy is your friend. It's going to be " fake it til you make it" I think as far as the children are concerned. I think the main aim should be to get through the day and give yourself some breathing room before making any permanent decisions.