DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

[Anxiouswife]

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

Good luck. Sounds a very stressful and horrible night.
Hopefully you can talk today.

Rosabug throwing things in a fit of temper and verbal abuse are classic red flags. Like the ops husband you should seek help and stop abusing whoever it is you are abusing. Doesnt matter if you're a man or woman.

RosaBug you're obviously as poorly controlled and immature as OP's husband then. That's not normal and it's not acceptable either.

Take care and stay safe OP.

What a horrible thing to happen op, you must have been so worried and stressed. Not going to tell you what to do just wanted to give you some

Yes, his behaviour was appalling and op has every right to be upset by it. However, it never ceases to horrify me how quickly posters start with ltb and "my dh would never..." Etc. People make mistakes, it's how they make amends that's important. I wish you all the best op and I hope you reach a satisfactory conclusion. My dh has done things like this and I have made mistakes too, losing my temper and swearing at him AND kids hearing. We sort it out. Life goes on.

I'd be cold, calm, collected then hand him his things.

Really you should have called the police when he drove off after drinking, he could have caused an accident. Terrible role model to your kids, I hope you tell him to pack his stuff and tell him to fuck off for good.

He had somewhere to go.

He sounds awful
I would have reported him.for drink driving

What a twat. Drunk driving. Verbal abuse. Lovely!

What do you plan to do?

He came in, mumbled sorry and asked me when I was going to apologise. I told him I hadn't done anything that warranted the way he spoke to me. Told him to and see DS which he hasn't done and told him to pack his bags. I don't want to see him before Monday when the children are at school. I think he slept in his car in a layby somewhere. I just want him to go away so I can get through the day with the kids and no hassle from him.

Good luck OP

Oh bollocks to that sort of abusive life. I hope you start thinking of a rescue plan before he teaches your son to call you a fucking bitch aswell, which he is in the process of doing.

I was you once with the drunk verbally (sometimes physically) aggressive man who would run off after calling me names and not come back for a couple of days, by which time I was just glad to see him safe.

You can't see it for what it is when you're in the middle of it, but it's basic abuse tactics 101.

They do something nasty or selfish. If you complain, they use some form of tactic to control you and shut you up. Usually a verbal insult along the lines of you being a nag or a bitch or a c*nt and that you are totally unreasonable for saying anything at all. You are ruining their life with all this nagging/complaining. If you cry, then they up the anti because basically they want you just to comply without emotion. So they laugh or berate you and you have to hide yourself away.

If their tactic hasn't worked then they up the anti again and may continue with verbal abuse (you fucking bitch etc) whilst showing you you're not worthy and they have to get away. So they then walk out. If dc are involved they will attempt to get dc on side so that you feel totally in the wrong.

They will leave maybe for a day or so, so that you worry and want them back and when they come back you're 'sorry' and agree you won't be such a 'fucking bitch' next time.

It is all control tactics.

If he's a drinker, then a lot of his selfish stuff will probably revolve around his alcoholism and trying to get you to stop 'interfering' so he can drink and do little else that is good for the family. He's drunk and can't help you move stuff into the loft - you're a fucking nag. He wants to go to the pub to watch footie whilst you have lots of clubs to get the kids to - you're a fucking bitch for stopping him having fun. He comes home and vomits/pisses everywhere and you're crying because you had to clean it all up before the kids stepped in it - you're such a c*nt for embarassing him as he couldn't help it.

Basically, this will be your life until you say 'no more'. It is not your problem to solve. He doesn't want to solve it. Mine left and shacked up with another woman who had the whole thing happen to her. She saved my life, poor woman.

x post. I knew he'd ask you to say sorry - see above. Controlling tactics.

Please don't let him pour poison in your son's ear. Just let him get a few essentials and go.

I'd tell him to fuck off too OP

I see a few fellow abusers are chiming in and minimising to make themselves feel better

I hope he does as you've asked OP and gives you some space. How dare he ask you to apologise.

Stay strong. You can do this. Don't worry - he can go to a travellodge, or his mate, or his family. Or if he has lined up another woman because he sensed his tactics of control weren't working any more. Sorry to say this is a distinct possibility.

Decide that this is the last day that someone will call you names. Set your standards back to normal. Normal is:

No name calling
No walking out and coming back the next day or walking off when you are out and about
Someone who is glad to help you do things
Someone who puts his dc and dp first, before the pub/mates/drink bottle

Toptoe - thank you. That's exactly what I needed to read.

I woukd call the non emergency number and relay the story. If he has driven off drunk he might have crashed somewhere and/or hurt someone else.

Oh sorry missed the update. Ignore my last.

I'm sorry he has not returned conciliatory op. That's not good. I wish you all the best and if you want him gone then I hope he goes with little fuss.

Stop being anxious and start being fucking angry.

That was very scary for your DS. He used hurting your DS to hurt you. Kick him out. No apologies.