DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

[Anxiouswife]

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

Hope you are OK OP?

I really can't believe what I'm reading..

And people say we don't need feminism anymore

The amount of minimising on here is dreadful

I mean yeah he "only" called her fucking bitch, frightened the son, scared the OP and stormed out didn't he?

She should welcome him back with open arms, cook his dinner and take him to bed to reassure him she's still his little wife

Stay strong OP. Don't let this man break you and your children. Doing what he did is completely unacceptable

kittybiscuits thank you, I was reading that thinking wait, what.... I'm glad I'm not in the minority thinking those responses are ridiculous. I don't consider myself lucky to have a partner that doesn't shout at me, disregard our child's feelings or call me awful names. I would expect that to be the bear minimum in a healthy functional relationship, and any one of those behaviours woud be a red flag for me.

pipsqueak I agree with other posters that you should stop posting on this thread, women who are experiencing any kind of abuse don't need to hear that their partner's behaviour is acceptable or justifiable, or that you wouldn't consider this behaviour to be unacceptable in your opinion. That is victim blaming even if you don't mean it to be (which I know of course you don't).

Uurgh, this sounds like every Friday and Saturday night, in my house when I was growing up.

Why was he annoyed about the tidying up? What was the row about? Seems like there's a back story. Although, if he's like my Dad, he could be "set off" by absolutely nothing.

Is this out of character? A regular thing? If it's regular, I'd be thinking about ending the relationship. I'm 47 now, but still remember all of the drunken rows and fights of my child hood. Bizarrely, my parents don't recall any of it Thanks goodness I have a sister, who also remembers everything, or I would seriously doubt myself. My parents are still together, and although they have mellowed due to being elderly, they clearly aren't happy together, row often, talk to each other like shit....not the best is it?

Sorry I had to take our eldest to an open day for secondary school. I managed to get a friend to take my daughter swimming and my sister in law came to look after the younger two children.

He was still here when I came back. I sent him a text on the way asking where he was and got one back that said "in our home" so he's not leaving even though I clearly asked him to. I can't push it without risking another fight in front of the kids so I'm going to ignore him and take the kids out as much as I can over the weekend. I won't have to be home much. We can talk on Monday when the kids are in school.

To answer a couple of the previous posts, no he didn't want to make love! He wanted me to stop clearing up so he didn't have tin feel guilty about pouring himself another drink!

I don't think it's OK to be called a fucking bitch by anyone. Not least your husband and not least in front of your child. That isn't something I'm prepared to accept, drunk or not.

Ditto the drink driving. Completely unacceptable.

It's all somewhat out of character but not completely. There have been previous in incidents but not this bad. He's stormed off drunk before but never in a car. And he's never called me a bitch before.

I am devastated. But really angry too. I just need to get through the weekend.

I also need to help my son make sense of it all but have no idea how to start

Thank you all for your wise and kind words....

It sounds like you're staying calm and focused on what he did not why he says today which is exactly what you need to do, stay strong
Xx

Very concerned and not surprised by his actions OP. Did you tell his family members what he did? I would tell them that he was abusive and drunk and drove off in his car and now expects an apology. If you think they will be supportive, enlist their help to get him to go stay somewhere else so that you can have some space to care for your DCs and consider the relationship.

You're going to take him back...

Why do you think this is all you're worth?

Anxious

Such men like your H always but always refuse to leave. You need legal advice to get him out.

Talking to him on Monday will be a waste of effort because he does not want to know. If you want to talk, talk instead to a Solicitor and or Womens Aid; your time would be far better spent doing both those things. His abuse towards you and in turn your children has escalated over time as well.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line long before now. He needs to be out of your day to day lives.

itis being a single mother is a million times better than having an asshole of a partner.

I think getting through the weekend is a sensible idea only if you can maintain the anger until Monday.

I have watched similar happen with my best friend recently, once you go through anger and into sadness and fear of change it is tough to act on your feeling that you won't tolerate this.

Re your son I think it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to see you take appropriate action re your h this weekend either.

He will need to know what is happening as a result of what he has heard. It may be confusing for him if everything is brushed under the carpet over the weekend and then his dad goes while he is in school.

Bollocks, tippexy

Tippexy I have four children and my sister in the house. I can't throw him out now without a major scene. I don't want the kids to see it and I don't have the energy for it. I didn't sleep at all. I'm also about to take DS to a party.

My best friend is a divorce lawyer Atilla. I've already emailed her.

*sister in law

You will have to deal with this at your own pace and in your own way anxious.

has he ever been physically abusive? This includes violence towards the home or items in the home, finger jabbing, pushing, blocking the door etc it is not just the stereotypical black eye...

So, um, your husband's sister? Would she still be an ally? Or would she try to minimise this as well?

I honestly believe you need to get the children out of the house today, until you can ensure he will leave.

So sorry you're going through this.

Your 8 year old can be told the truth to make sense of it. "Daddy drank too much alcohol and became abusive towards mummy. He drove off drunk, which is dangerous and a crime." Don't cover for him, especially not in front of the kids. They need to know this was wrong and should never happen. If they tell others, so be it, it wasn't you who did it, don't hide his crap.

Those of us with experience of alcoholics often wish we had done this with the first incident of alcohol induced crime or abuse rather than waiting to near cirrhosis before disowning his actions.

Day at a time. And please contact AlAnon. They can be a massive help in living with/dealing with alcoholic family members.

Have a good talk with your lawyer friend. Be 100% honest with her and isten to what she has to say very carefully.

I'm glad your friend is a divorce lawyer.,I think you'll need one. What an unpleasant man.

My best friend is a divorce lawyer Atilla. I've already emailed her.

Well done for the prompt action.

If he becomes so abusive when he drinks, he needs to stop drinking altogether, and I would proceed as you are unless:

° He begged forgiveness
°Apologised to your DH for upsetting him
°Told your DS it was all his fault and not yours
°Gave a guarantee it would never happen again

Even with all that, unless is was a pretty good marriage asides from this, and all the apologies wouldn't cut it.

If and only if he did those ^^ things, would I consider not filing.

Drunk or not, he knew what he was doing.

Sandy can I add to your list? He should do those things of his own accord without prompting.

That's a good list Sandy. No sign of any of them happening so far though...

Can I just say I think you shold be so proud of how you are handling this. You're waiting around for this to become the norm before you seek a way out, you're putting your children and yourself first and despite his shitty behaviour you're aware that causing drama isn't good for you or the kids either and are avoiding that.

I really wish you all the very best and hope you have a strong support network. And don't forget about netmums if you are struggling or just want to vent, apart from the odd weirdo looks likes you've received some wise words from some people :)

Sorry, meant you're not waiting around!