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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH left last night. Am I supposed to list him as a missing person?

168 replies

Anxiouswife · 14/01/2017 07:36

DH and I argued last night. He was a bit drunk. I wasn't. We'd had people over for dinner and I started cleaning up. He said leave it till the morning, I said I didn't want to. He called me a Stupid Fucking Bitch so loudly I knew the kids would hear. I begged him to keep it down but he wouldn't and kept swearing at me. I told him to "get out". Not something I've done before but I knew the kids were listening and I can't have them hearing it. He stormed off and our 8 yr son came down in tears wanting to know why Daddy was angry with me. I told him everything was fine, put him back to bed. DH came down from our bedroom with a handful of clothes and a sleeping bag. I said you woke up DS8, he heard you. DH said "good, he knows you're a fucking bitch too then" and walked out of the front door, trying to take one of our dogs who has had surgery and is wearing one of those cone things. I had to physically stop him from taking the dog. I locked the door behind him. Unbeknownst to me DS8 was watching from his bedroom window and came down hysterical a few minutes later asking why Daddy had thrown his phone out of his window as he drove off. We found the phone on the drive. DS8 was beside himself, "where is Daddy, how can we call him" etc. I put him in my bed and managed to get him to settle an hour or so later after a lot of tears and me saying, "don't worry, Daddy's probably at Grandads, he's fine etc". When he finally went to sleep I started phoning my in-laws and DH's best friend. Neither of them have seen him and he wouldn't go anywhere else. I got a neighbour to watch our DC and drove around myself looking for him until midnight but didn't find him.

Am I supposed to call the police? I don't really want him home I don't think. I've been awake most of the night, we have 4DC who have a zillion commitments today and I don't know how I'm going to get through them. I don't want him to come back, I just want to know he's safe. Is he a missing person? Or am I supposed to be waiting 24 hours. I expect he's parked up somewhere and is sleeping in his car. I suspect he threw his phone out of his car to make me worry more and will appear at some point this morning telling me how cold he's been and how it's all my fault. I don't want to hear it.

OP posts:

PaulaBBB · 14/01/2017 08:59

If things go pear shaped different? Surely you mean if the op can manage to break free from this controlling abusive excuse for a man, she will be happy and not have to worry about her children hearing her being abused? Think you are reading the wrong post!! My DH certainly doesn't get me in the mood by calling me a stupid fucking bitch.

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 09:02

[hard hat on] this seems to be a massive over reaction by a lot of people to this post, they had dinner including abit to much to drink he got gobby and had shot his mouth off then took off after swearing and shouting.
unless this is a regular thing i don't see what the hallaboo is about.
most people are loud and gobby when drunk [ i was married to an alkie - been there] make a huge scene then race off in a blaze of glory after making themselves complete twats. they then come back feeling and looking stupid apologising.
if this is a regular occurence then yes, i think you need to address it and sharpish, it's not fair on you or your dc.

KeepCalm · 14/01/2017 09:02

I'd have had his bags packed and waiting in him by the door if he'd had the nerve to come back.

How dare he speak to you like that?
How dare he traumatise your poor DS & dog?
How dare he drink drive?!?

Good for you for staying strong.

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 09:03

spirit totally with you on this one

PaulaBBB · 14/01/2017 09:03

Op, I hope he has packed his bags and left. Don't have him back on Monday, leave him for good. There are people here that can help you with the house situation if you let us know. You deserve so much more than this, he will never change, he's only going to get worse. Don't stay in this relationship, have yourself worrying about what your kids are hearing, it's not just you this affects as I'm sure you already know. Hope your DS is ok this morning.

AddToBasket · 14/01/2017 09:03

OP, what do you think about him drinking and driving?

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 14/01/2017 09:04

itsnoteasybeingdifferent

Fucking hell, what a mountain of TOSH.

IF IF IF a bloke wanted to take his wife upstairs and make love to her, a wise one would not call her a fucking stupid bitch. It's not what most of us would consider enticing.

You need to get help if you think any of his behaviour is even vaguely acceptable.

toptoe · 14/01/2017 09:05

itsnoteasy - that's a perfect example of what people do when they experience this sort of shit. They look for ways that they caused it/could have prevented it etc etc. It's all bullshit. The person who verbally insults someone chooses to do that without any help. To call someone a bitch because they want to clean up is bonkers. So bonkers that the person being called a bitch thinks 'I must have caused this reaction somehow'. But no, they didn't. The only cause is the name-caller's desire to control them and get what they want.

AddToBasket · 14/01/2017 09:05

'Take you to bed and make love' - what?! After weaponising his own child?! Bleurgh..

DameDeDoubtance · 14/01/2017 09:06

most people are loud and gobby when drunk

Nope. Abusers are abusive when drunk, that's true. Plus he wasn't a "bit gobby" was he. He was abusive infront of the kids, he drove off in a car drunk.

Drunk driving

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 14/01/2017 09:07

most people are loud and gobby when drunk make a huge scene then race off in a blaze of glory after making themselves complete twats. they then come back feeling and looking stupid apologising

I've never done this. I've never witnessed anyone doing this. I really don't think it is how most people act.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 14/01/2017 09:07

AnxiousWife

((Hug))

Stop being anxious, start being FURIOUS.

Be strong & make sure he goes. Don't let him come back.

I know your DS will be gutted, but better short term anger & upset than years & years more of your DH acting like this & your DS growing up to think it's normal & acceptable.

You & your kids deserve much better than this 💐

Skang · 14/01/2017 09:08

Sorry, he said 'Good, now he knows you're a fucking bitch' about his son. In earshot of his son.

I think it's sad some people think that's run of the mill, normal stuff that people should put up with. He is literally teaching his son that that is a normal way to treat your wife/partner. I feel for all the children of people who think this is fine.

Gallavich · 14/01/2017 09:09

most people are loud and gobby when drunk [ i was married to an alkie - been there] make a huge scene then race off in a blaze of glory after making themselves complete twats. they then come back feeling and looking stupid apologising.

pip most people don't do this. Your boundaries and expectations are skewed through living with an alcoholic. The behaviour you described above is extreme and it is abusive. Nobody should normalise it, expect it or accept it. I'm sad for you that you think that's ok.

kittybiscuits · 14/01/2017 09:09

Top class minimising on this thread.

Just cos he called you a fucking bitch with your son in earshot, drove off pissed and now wants an apology from you, don't over-react op. Do you think she should make him a bacon sarnie then they could make love and forget all about it? How dare you undermine a woman on this forum when she is being treated like crap?

Skang · 14/01/2017 09:10

And yes, most people are not loud, hobby and abusive in front of their children. Fucking hell, some people's standards are so fucking low. Get some self respect.

lurkingfromhome · 14/01/2017 09:10

most people are loud and gobby when drunk make a huge scene then race off in a blaze of glory

Funny that no one I know has EVER done this. Maybe because none of my friends or my DH are abusive arses.

And if you genuinely see the OP's husband's behaviour as merely "loud and gobby" I do wonder what it would take for you to find something "completely fucking unacceptable"

toptoe · 14/01/2017 09:12

And the alcoholism ime is not the cause of the abuse, it's part of the person's coping mechanism because they don't know how to interact with people without the self-medication of booze. So in a way it is a symptom of the overall issues they have. It should not be used as an excuse to call people names and blow off steam.

In addition, for children listening to this shouting and storming out, it is very very frightening and unsettling and will in turn lead to massive anxiety in that child. This is because the child has no concept of what is going on. In their eyes their parents are right, so when daddy says that mum's a bitch he must be right. What did mum do to cause daddy to get so angry? What did we do to make him want to leave us all? What will happen if daddy leaves? They think their little world is being turned upside down, and it is. On top of that, they have one parent abandoning them whilst the other is emotionally knackered. They will want to console one parent whilst hoping the other will come back and it will all just be normal again.

That's the reality of living with someone who loses their shit over something so tiny.

Mix56 · 14/01/2017 09:13

He asked when you were going to apologise........WTF
Is he always manipulative?

SSYMONDS · 14/01/2017 09:14

Stick to your guns. Your life will get harder for a while, then a lot, lot nicer.

If he can behave like that he is a dreadful person who is making you small and sucking the joy out of your life.

Life is so much nicer without being bullied by a man like your partner. And you kids will be so much happier.

If I've missed the fact that he is in fact a really decent person who has behaved horribly this once for some strange reason, he still needs to go. He can start building bridges from his parent's house. You cannot let your son think this is in any way acceptable or normal.

Good luck - you sound brilliant and really strong.

DearMrDilkington · 14/01/2017 09:15

I'd threaten to report him to the police for drink driving, that might scare him off..

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2017 09:15

I feel pity for anyone who thinks abuse of women, children and animals is a normal part of drinking. I've never in my life witnessed any of those things.

Your post basically says 'I let men treat me like shit, and so should you'.

Misery loves company?

Greenfingeredfun · 14/01/2017 09:15

Hope you're okay op

pipsqueak25 · 14/01/2017 09:16

dame tbh i would say the same if her husband was an alien the gender is irrelevant.
as i said i've been married to an alkie i know how this goes. i don't recall the poster mentioning any previous abusive or controlling behaviour, if i missed it then i apologise.
there seems to be a trend on here recently if one person [usually male] shouts or swears then they are deemed to be controlling, i don't understand that that's all i'm saying. if everyone throw their partners out after 'you're a fucking bitch / cunt' type row there would be far more single parents,

Skang · 14/01/2017 09:18

And perhaps people would realise that they need to behave decently if they want to be in a relationship.

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