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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
pickledparsnip · 13/01/2017 14:21

You're hardly going to be a catch with your chaotic history and 4 children by 3 different dads are you?

Wow, what a fucking twatty thing to say Mrsjudelaw

OP if you haven't already, I would hide this thread. Mumsnet is only a tiny cross section of society. Please don't think think this is how everyone views you. People who think like this aren't worth your time or energy.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 18:07

Ok to those who are saying I want someone with a good job yes I do not for money but because I have a good job. I don't want to be bank rolling someone else when I've got four children.
It was agreed upon divorce my ex would pay for the house. It is 5 bedroomed.
For the record my kids are happy and secure children.

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 18:27

I get what you are saying, Busybee.

Would your ideal man have a good job and four children with 3 different women? So that makes 8 kids between you and you want more. Is that your ideal scenario?

Or would your ideal man have a good job and no children?

I'm guessing the latter - simply because you want to focus on your own children (present and future). Nothing wrong with that, but if you look at a man with different children who have different mothers and think "God no, I couldn't cope with that" then, similarly, a man might look at you and your children and think "Hell no".

Daft to think otherwise.

Newbrummie · 13/01/2017 18:41

The trouble is the kind of man who won't mind will not be of the quality you want in my honest experience. I find men's attitude towards me as a single mum of 4 is that I should take what I can get, so generally I don't bother. I'm seeing somebody 10 years younger, but under no illusions I'm his one and nor is he mine.

And it is what it is

SheldonCRules · 13/01/2017 18:47

If you don't want a future partner to support you, then it matters very little what his job is if he just has to support himself.

You contradict yourself though, you wouldn't be bankrolling any new partner as you currently don't meet all your own costs let alone another adults.

maccheese · 13/01/2017 19:02

I'm not sure if PP have mentioned this but I'd turn the question around and ask would you be comfortable dating a guy who has fathered 4 children from 3 different women? If your answer is "it doesn't matter", then you have answered your own OP.

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 19:21

I have three DC.

I was in a relationship with DS DF and he left me for someone else it was totally out of my control and I was heartbroken. I'm with Dh and we waited a long time before we had DC together because I wanted to be sure. I hate the set up of having to drop DS with his father and it is totally different to all the children being in the house together all the time.

I think with having two different fathers you can understand as relationships can break down but I was extremely careful in that I made sure I was in a secure relationship. If for some reason it ended I would never go on to have more DC with another man I think that becomes reckless and not really considering the existing DC so I judge on the basis you seem to jump from relationship and still want to have more without enjoying the lovely DC you already have. I would say the same about a man aswell.

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 19:22

I wouldn't date a man who had three DC to three different woman, my ex fil did this and the resentment from the women and ex and drama from it was awful.

JustHereForThePooStories · 13/01/2017 19:51

My ex will always pay for the 4 children as he should as their father. I don't want a meal ticket at all if I did I wouldn't be working in a good career and increasing my hours once my youngest is settled in nursery

If you met someone new and had another baby, would you reduce your hours until they were in nursery? Do you think your ex-husband would still be happy to contribute so much financially to facilitate that?

To be honest, I'd absolutely hate to see my brother involved with a woman who has 4 children by 3 men, lives on the same street as her ex, and is financially dependent on him.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2017 19:53

'To be honest, I'd absolutely hate to see my brother involved with a woman who has 4 children by 3 men, lives on the same street as her ex, and is financially dependent on him.'

This. Or my daughter with a man like this. And then have yet another child.

Tearsoffrustration · 13/01/2017 19:56

I think 4 kids are a lot to take on - no matter how many fathers there are

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 20:05

Talking of finances most people wouldn't be able to support four kids on their own so I don't know why I'm getting a battering about that. My ex husband is their dad and as part of our divorce we agreed he would pay maintainence for all four of them and pay the mortgage. That will not change.
Thanks for the supportive posts on her. I admit I've been feckless in the past but I can't change the past so I'm making the most of it. I don't regrets any of my children and they know they're loved.

OP posts:
TreeTop7 · 13/01/2017 20:11

Is there a financial consent order, court-approved, that includes maintenance for the first two? I think you need to be realistic about the fact that if there is not, he's under no legal obligation to support them. A new wife with an eye for the finances could point out that you should be pursuing your two ex boyfriends via the CMS, and he could end up agreeing with her. You never know.

You won't get any tax credits for a fifth child, and who knows what will happen to existing claims when universal credit is fully introduced anyway. You and your hypothetical new man would need to be very well off to be considering a fifth child.

Don't worry what people think though. You've done nothing wrong or immoral. Just be realistic about your financial position.

TreeTop7 · 13/01/2017 20:12

Cross post!

stitchglitched · 13/01/2017 20:13

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who had children with multiple partners. I agonised before having a second DC with the same father as my first. We thought about everything from how it would effect DC1, finances, it was a really big deal. I would have loved even more babies and sometimes get pangs of broodiness but we have made the decision in the best interests of our kids not to have anymore.

So I wouldn't feel compatible with someone who I felt had a more cavalier approach to having kids and I would judge that they put the relationship of the moment over the needs of the kids they already had. You see it on here all the time- OP posts asking how they can fit all their kids in a 3 bed house. She had 2 kids, her partner has 3 and now they have 2 toddlers together. Or an OP posts that her teenagers don't get on with her partner or their stepsiblings, and now she's pregnant. I just don't get the mindset and I wouldn't want to be part of it tbh. And it has nothing to do with judging how many sexual partners someone has! I've had plenty of sexual partners, I just didn't choose to procreate with them.

NoToast · 13/01/2017 20:20

Talking of finances most people wouldn't be able to support four kids on their own so I don't know why I'm getting a battering about that

I think the battering is because a lot of people make a conscious decision to limit their children to what they are likely to be able to afford. Yes things change, people can lose their jobs, become ill, partners can die without insurance etc. but some people are planning to limit their risks in life. People with that attitude will probably judge you on the number of children you have rather than the number of fathers.

I think you've taken a lot of flak on here and the thread has been derailed to topics you didn't ask about and you've dealt with it with good grace. I think you have your answer pretty clearly, some people will mind, some won't.

Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 20:24

I'm not sure you can get past the judging thing. Someone upthread said that the very essence of online dating is judging someone before you've met them. They are bang on.

That's probably why so many people lie on OLD. They don't want to be judged on who they are.

I've never done OLD but I suspect that you don't get many people describing themselves as "Obese father of 5. Dead-end job. Likes Preston North End and porn".

januarybooze · 13/01/2017 20:26

You can support 4 children alone if someone else is paying the mortgage and maintenance Confused.

Slimmingsnake · 13/01/2017 20:27

Anyone,friend or boyfriend who judges you ,is not worth your time...your children are a bonus to any relationship,anyone who thinks otherwise,needs kicking to the kerb

christmaswreaths · 13/01/2017 20:32

Not exactly the same but I have four children with my husband and if we ever split up I would not want anyone to take us on.

I would want a partner for me to share nice times but would not expect anyone to take on four children, especially when they already have a father.

Maybe if the children were younger I would feel differently not sure. As for judging, you don't need a man around who judges your past.

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 20:32

How long is your ex going to pay the mortgage and maintenance for? Did he adopt your other two DC if so he has a financial responsibility if not I agree with pp that it only takes your ex to met someone else and decide that he isn't going to contribute that amount. He most be giving you a lot of money paying out so much I can't imagine it being a long term thing. 8 judge your recklessness to have further DC with other men when you are reliant on your ex your not fully independent.

NoToast · 13/01/2017 20:39

The OP is getting an unfair kicking for not being financially independent.

Nobody has mentioned the ex. He has financial responsibility for his two children and has assumed responsibility for the first. He has a good job but he's left OP having to be subsidised through tax credits to be able to work part-time to bring up their children. They are the joint financial responsibility for both of them as a couple not just OPs and he's only paying part of the costs.

It's been mentioned above that men and women are judged differently in this situation and this is a perfect example.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 20:39

January when I lived with my ex he paid the mortgage and obviously contributed to our children's lives. I've already explained I have a career and I had that career before I met my ex husband. I was full time until I had my third child 4 years ago then I went part time and have been ever since.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 20:40

Can I marry you, toast?

😜😜😜

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 20:45

Unless he's adopted your other two he isn't financially responsible for them regardless if he was when he lived with them, there have two father you could claim csa from. My point and other pp point is you shouldn't relie on his contribution should he met someone else and they question it, unless he adopted them.