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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 20:50

I don't want to claim csa from my eldest twos father and neither does my ex husband. We made an agreement with regards to money and access.

OP posts:
NoToast · 13/01/2017 20:51

Banty You need to wait until I have my own thread about OLD, then you can judge (and you will) Grin

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 20:52

Things change op I wouldn't hedge your bets of your ex sticking to this agreement especially if he settles down with a new partner you only have to read the other threads posted on here.

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 20:56

You don't know my ex moonlight

OP posts:
NoToast · 13/01/2017 21:00

Off subject but you clearly think he's a good'un OP, no chance of you getting back together?

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:01

It's a long story toast lol

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 13/01/2017 21:01

You don't know my ex moonlight

I'm sure he is a great guy, he sounds like it. What do you think is going to happen when he finds a woman to settle down with and they merge finances?

With all the best intentions in the world, I suspect that the vast majority of the 'nice guys' who are paying for former stepchildren, who they no longer live with, who have a new stepfather, eventually stop paying.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 13/01/2017 21:02

It isn't about a kicking for not being able to financially support your children.

It's about the fact that if you can't support them independently then you can't support more either, and furthermore it will have a negative impact on the kids you have!

MuseumOfCurry · 13/01/2017 21:02

Unless I've completely misread the situation and your ex has adopted your children by the other fathers?

user1484340561 · 13/01/2017 21:04

Your ex is very generous to pay maintenance for 2 kids who are not his. He's also paying the mortgage. Things could well change if he meets a new partner. Not many women would be happy for their partner to fork out for their ex's partners mortgage every month. Who would be?

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:08

My ex does have a new partner she stays out of the financial side as it's none of her business. Curry he didn't adopt my eldest two kids.

OP posts:
Artandco · 13/01/2017 21:15

I would judge I'm afraid. I just cannot imaging having children so quickly with people I barely know. Four children in 8 years means you barely knew each guy before having another child

It took me and Dh about 5 years to agree on a sofa together, let alone have a child.

Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 21:21

Are you actually divorced? Or just separated?

Is the mortgage now in your sole name?

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:23

We're divorced and he has given the house to me

OP posts:
MargeryFenworthy · 13/01/2017 21:24

Feckless just about sums it all up.

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:27

Well Margery if being feckless gave me 4 kids I'm glad as they're the best thing in my life

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 21:29

What do you mean 'given'?

If you have a mortgage, then the mortgage company owns at least part of it and therefore it cannot be given to anyone else.

Is the mortgage in your sole name?

springydaffs · 13/01/2017 21:29

For some of us, aborting a pg is just not an option. Even with the best precautions, emotionally as well as physically, things can not go to plan. For some of us, once pg there's no going back.

This isn't wrong or right, it just is, without judgement, where some of us stand. A pp posted it's not fair to bring a child into a less than perfect set up. It's perhaps more ' unfair ' to deny that child a life in the first place.

Op what's done is done. How it all happened is kind of irrelevant now as the components have become a whole. You may, or may not, have been feckless (to quote you) in the past but you're certainly not feckless now.

Perhaps people are quick to judge bcs, wait for it, they genuinely think they have pretty much full control over what happens to them. Thats a pretty terrifying thing to be thinking imo but many are wedded to it.

You're alright op. You're doing alright. The past is gone, let it stay there. You'd hope to be meeting just the one who is not quick to judge and takes the time to look at the whole picture. Particularly the current picture which is a good one eg how many of us manage to be on such good terms with our exes. You may have been lucky but a lot of it will have come down to you, your choices, your approach. The right person for you will recognise important qualities like that, which point to the future and don't hark back to the past.

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:31

That's not relevant kidnapped

OP posts:
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 21:33

Thanks springy x I try to focus on the positives. I have lovely kids, a career, friends and family

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 21:34

I think she would get involved if they ended up living together and joined their finances

Newbrummie · 13/01/2017 21:49

There has to be no mortgage otherwise he can't give it to her - been there got the tshirt - and if he's letting her live there and pay his mortgage whilst he's still on it then it's a precarious situation when the youngest child leaves home and in theory he could demand half the house the op has been paying off for 18 years.
I hope you've had good advice op, a clean break is usually the best bet.

Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 21:50

So the house is in his name alone?

He pays the mortgage. Because it is his house. Solely his house.

Makes sense because of course you personally can't get a mortgage on a 5 bedroom house when you only work 2 days per week.

And of course that means that he can kick you out at any time he fancies. It puts you in a very risky position financially.

Did you get anything in the divorce settlement? Did you have a solicitor?

Newbrummie · 13/01/2017 21:53

I can only speak for myself of course but generally people are only asking these questions to help you to see potential pitfalls you may not have considered op.
If you are paying a mortgage in his name you're renting the house off him basically and yes you will always get a good percentage of the equity but that lessens dramatically if you don't have a child under 18 to house.

Beebeeeight · 13/01/2017 21:58

What a depressing thread!

I'm sad to say that one of the reasons I stayed in an unhappy relationship was that I didn't want to go back on the market with 2x2.

As for judgyness I judge people who don't take responsibility for their actions and get rid of inconvenient children.

Being married and wealthy doesn't guarantee happy DCs!