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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:

MargeryFenworthy · 13/01/2017 09:10

Yes, sounds like you want a meal ticket rather than a partner.

MuseumOfCurry · 13/01/2017 09:15

Plus how many women have got pg and didn't go through with the pg. You chose to keep yours

Well, yes. One of the reasons I would have never wound up with children having different fathers is because I would never have hesitated to have an abortion if I wound up pregnant from a man I considered an unsuitable prospective father or husband. I would never have prioritised an embryo over my financial stability or my ideal family plans.

This is also how I was able to have carefree sex with lots of men in my 20s.

People have different values. It's not wrong to seek people having ones compatible to your own.

Trills · 13/01/2017 09:22

if I was a man I'd view the woman with four children with three different dads as someone who's either a poor judge of character, or someone who takes having children quite casually, or both, and that would worry me.

It doesn't even need to be "if I were a man"

I am a woman and I would think this about a man in the same situation.

If they then wanted to have more children with their next partner, I'd think it even more strongly.

Trills · 13/01/2017 09:28

To some extent is doesn't matter if it puts off some of the men.

As long as it doesn't put off all the men.

Or all the men who you would consider dating.

Men who think as I think are not interested in you, but you probably wouldn't be interested in them either.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 09:29

A lot of parents get tax credits and they actually don't amount to much. My ex will always pay for the 4 children as he should as their father. I don't want a meal ticket at all if I did I wouldn't be working in a good career and increasing my hours once my youngest is settled in nursery. Maybe it's just a dream to have more kids that will never materialise but I am allowed to think about it

OP posts:

Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 09:50

"My ex will always pay for the 4 children as he should as their father."

But you do know that fathers don't always provide for their children financially. Two of the fathers of your children don't provide at all. So it isn't a great leap to think that your ex at some point might choose to only provide for his own children, or, indeed, none of the children. That is particularly true if you shack up with someone else at any point.

You seem to think that him refusing to provide could never happen in the future, despite it actually happening to you twice in your life so far. It makes it seem like you might be someone who doesn't learn from mistakes.

When you specified what you were looking for a man, you said that you wanted a man with a good job, likes kids and is on your wavelength.

The fact that you put good job first (which is just code for earning a fair amount of cash) suggests that you expect this man to provide a bit for you and your 4 children, otherwise it wouldn't matter to you whether if he had a good job or not.

I don't think it is wrong to want a rich partner, but equally it is not wrong for any man to reject a woman who wants a rich partner and also has 4 kids and wants more.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/01/2017 10:03

I'm sorry, but I judge too, especially when children are the result of ONSs or short relationships, because I consider bringing a child into the world one of the most serious decisions a person can make and I can't believe many appear so blase about it.

Taking risks is fine if it only affects you, but taking risks (in this case pregnancy) that impacts a new life, an ex-fuck, and the extended family is incredibly reckless IMHO. I'd think the woman lacked the emotional intelligence to see the bigger picture and the health of her relationships, and not see the seriousness of having babies. I'd judge the men involved too and wouldn't date a guy with multi children by multi women. I'd either think he doesn't learn from (life-changing) "mistakes", doesn't consider contraception his job, doesn't consider having children a big deal, or is a poor judge of character. Any one of these would put me off him.

When I was younger (late teens to early 30s) I had a stream of flings, had lots of sex with different men, but I always took the risk of pregnancy seriously. So contraception was used, if it failed (and it did on occassion) I was straight to the clinic for the morning after pill. Thankfully I never got pregnant after taking those precautions, and if I had I'd be thinking long and hard about whether having a child outside a serious, loving and long term relationship was sensible. My answer would've been no BTW.

MuseumOfCurry · 13/01/2017 10:11

Yes - as well as the choice of with whom you will have children.

Make the wrong decision once - possibly bad luck. Make the wrong decision twice - poor judgement.

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2017 10:54

Totally agree with Curry. I got accidentally pg when I was young, this can happen to anyone. But people who share my personal values and outlook would do what I did, which was to terminate the pregnancy.

Lots of women choose not to terminate, that is entirely their personal choice. But I don't share their values and world view, and I wouldn't want that life or to be with that person.

DaftJelly · 13/01/2017 11:08

Meh. My poor fatherless eldest children have a fantastic secure life with me and dh. They don't want for anything, emotionally or materially.

I'm a firm believer in everything working out eventually.

Newbrummie · 13/01/2017 11:23

I have a friend who's just had her second child - number 8 for him with 5 different mothers - I judged, but nobody else seems to bat an eyelid.
I wouldn't tell anyone your children have different fathers until it's serious tbh it's nobody's business and those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't matter.

InfoFreako · 13/01/2017 12:13

Interesting posts. Totally agree with first 2 paragraphs of WhatALoadOfOldBollocks' last post.

Lots of posters mis-using the word 'judge'. We all make judgments dozens of times each day: from when to apply the brakes when driving to the choice of bread to buy in the supermarket. Some posters have said '...but so-and-so isn't judged...' of course they are! People just don't tell the person(s) they're judging

A question is - why would an individual want to have multiple children when they can't financially support them? It's ok if you're the Beckhams and have £££ in the bank but unfortunately the average joe doesn't have these resources.

Cheers.

MuseumOfCurry · 13/01/2017 12:15

I have a friend who's just had her second child - number 8 for him with 5 different mothers

I couldn't be friends with someone who had such abjectly bad judgement and so little self-respect.

HelenDenver · 13/01/2017 12:24

"A question is - why would an individual want to have multiple children when they can't financially support them? "

Another question is why two of the three fathers are not financially supportive! I judge them...

SandyY2K · 13/01/2017 12:30

because I consider bringing a child into the world one of the most serious decisions a person can make and I can't believe many appear so blase about it.

^^^^ I fully agree with this. The decision to bring a new life into the world shouldn't be taken lightly, but it happens so frequently.

How do you actually tell a child, you don't really know their dad and only met him the once if they ask who their father is. (I'm speaking in general terns and not referring to the OP here).

The child will never know anything about their paternal lineage. That's quite sad IMO.

I know that can also be the case where one is adopted, but I've seen children suffer with identity crisis when they become adults as a result of not knowing their dad's, especially boys.

SheldonCRules · 13/01/2017 12:44

Sadly some put more thought into their take away order than they do over the decision to have children. It's all about their wants regardless of the effects or outcomes for the child/children.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/01/2017 12:44

Don't you think people should judge though? Or, OK, not judge, but think very very carefully about how they see things panning out? You absolutely should hesitate before thinking about getting involved with someone who has any number of kids at all, that is unless you're only looking for FWB or a quick shag or you're a total eejit who doesn't look further than the end of your nose.

We see it in the step parenting boards all the time: Poster: DP blah blah blah DSCs/Everyone on MN: but you knew they had DCs before you started dating, how did you think it would play out?

I'd say the last thing you need OP is someone who doesn't give any weight to the fact you've got DCs.

scottishdiem · 13/01/2017 12:50

Sorry. I would probably judge. I would judge your previous choices in men who did not stay and I would also judge those men for not staying (and judge them more for not contributing to their children's lives) and how all that would affect any relationship.

I would also judge the likelihood of a long term relationship with you and that judginess may or may not diminish the more I'd get to know you. I would look at the fact that you did not stay with any of the men with whom you have had children with. There are reasons for this but I would have to judge whether or not I would also be left as well.

You are judgy too tbf. Good job is open to definition. Do you want a well paid person (to pay for the kids because thats exactly how that would read) or someone who gets tremendous self satisfaction from their underpaid (but good for them) job?

Newbrummie · 13/01/2017 12:59

MuseumOfCurry - well that would be your loss then as she's a lovely woman

WamBamThankYouMaam · 13/01/2017 13:01

Yes I would judge.

Not learning from the mistake of rushing into having a child with no security, having children too soon, not being able to independently provide for the children you have but actively considering having more (provided you find a man with a "good job")

What happens when your ex isn't paying the mortgage anymore?

How big is the house? Where are all these extra children going to live and sleep? Who will have to buy the bigger car etc?

I'd judge you as being someone who doesn't properly consider the consequences of their actions, as being irresponsible and breathtakingly selfish.

HelenDenver · 13/01/2017 13:22

Wow

Some of the later responses are pretty much personal attacks.

OP is coparenting all four children with her ex, who lives very nearby and views himself as the dad of all four. She is working and intends to work more.

Wanting to date someone with a good job is pretty common on OLD, I would think.

Hiding this now as it seems to have turned into a kicking. She didn't ask MN for insults masquerading as help.

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2017 13:22

Nobody is disputing loveliness. Most people want to have a relationship with someone who is lovely and who also has similar relationship goals, outlook etc. Loveliness alone isn't enough, there has to be compatibility.

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2017 13:25

I'm blooming lovely myself but if I was to find myself single I'd be a non starter of a potential match for anybody who doesn't want kids, as I have one. I'm not insulted, I'm just not what they're looking for.

januarybooze · 13/01/2017 13:36

Sorry I think you'd be judged. I don't know anyone with children by different dads.

Mrsjudelaw66 · 13/01/2017 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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