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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 12/01/2017 21:36

I wouldn't date a man who had 4 children by 3 different women. I just would not want to take on all that extra baggage and would be concerned about the impact on my own children. I should imagine many men would feel the same - why shouldn't they? The very essence of OLD is judging people before you meet.

NarcsBegone · 12/01/2017 21:39

My exh has 3 kids by two different women and probably would have had more with others had I not pushed for the snip, no one judges him. I don't understand why it has to be something you should tell them 'up front' or early on as if it's something you should be ashamed of or tell them so they can base their decision to date you on it.
Imo the only reason it would matter is the logistics of 3 fathers spending time with their kids and how difficult that might be to arrange.

tatree · 12/01/2017 21:42

Why is the ex paying to support his four (biological or not, they're his) up for scrutiny. I don't believe I saw the op asking for financial advise, not quite sure what good the scaremongering is doing advising her to expect a decrease sometime soon.. Without any facts to prove this. Op if someone judges you because life has happened, and relationships have not panned out in the way you imagined they would in happier times (I'm sure we're all guilty of this, regardless of the number of children) then they're not worth your time. I can understand someone potentially being worried about the presence of more than one ex logistically, but you sound mature and seem to have a good relationship to the one who's in every sense the father to your children, so it won't make any difference to a new partner who's DNA they share.

HelenDenver · 12/01/2017 21:46

You're right, tatree, that was OT.

Sorry op!

BumDNC · 12/01/2017 21:57

It was off topic but I mentioned it in that I would think that focusing on that rather than more kids or marriage might be a good way to direct focus

BumDNC · 12/01/2017 22:13

Actually no it's on topic. Meeting someone new is about more than just the basic outline OP of being judged on how many kids you have. Women often judge men who aren't very financially stable and would be wary of involvement. I still think it's valid and it stands. Having been a single parent for a long time I just think standing on my own 2 feet and providing a good life for my kids is far more of a priority than meeting a new partner and having more children. I think I just plan and prioritise my life in a different way.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 22:26

I think well have to disagree on that point bum

OP posts:
stillwantrachelshair · 12/01/2017 22:50

I would judge. To me, it smacks of romanticism and short termism. That's three relationships with major commitments (children) which haven't worked out. How committed would you be to working through any problems in our relationship? Or would you just move onto the next relationship?
I would also be concerned about the financial side of things. If I moved in with you, would your ex continue to be happy to pay the mortgage? If he has a new family, will he continue to pay the mortgage or maintenance for the 2 DC who aren't his? Are you in receipt of benefits? Would they continue if I moved in with you?
If I had DC with you, how would they fit in? What would happen to them if we split up? To an extent, our contact arrangements would be determined by the contact arrangements for your other DC. Would I even have contact? 2 of your children don't appear to be in contact with their birth father...would that happen again?
This is just a natural progression of my opinion in my 20s when dating as I was always careful of men who left a relationship every 2yrs or so. It always seemed to be they had the fun, initial bit of a relationship but ran away when things got serious. I didn't particularly care how many people someone has been in a relationship with provided there was a reason for moving on. Just tiring of someone was sufficient provided there wasn't a pattern. All I am trying to do is maximise the chances of me still being in a committed relationship with someone in 5, 10 or 20 years as I think stability is very important. I have no idea if DH and I will last that long (have been together 9yrs so far) as you can't predict the future but there is nothing in his past that I know of! that makes me think he is more likely than anyone else to say "I've had enough. Next!" and move on.

Crumbs1 · 12/01/2017 23:02

Yes, I am afraid I would judge too.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 23:06

Fair point and loads a questions lol. To clarify my ex doesn't want more kids and is taking steps to ensure he doesn't. My ex will pay for all 4 of them as they call him dad. I'm not in receipt of benefits I have a degree and a professional job in the caring profession with a pension and prospects. I will admit I haven't made the best choice sometimes but it's given me 4 children and I do want more so obviously they haven't been that awful.

OP posts:
NoToast · 12/01/2017 23:15

If you're not claiming any benefits or tax credits you're probably earning 40K, as you increase your days worked you'll earn a lot more and can afford to support more children. So, no, I wouldn't judge you having children, you've done incredibly well to get that kind of professional standing alongside raising a young family.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 23:18

Toast I'm not entitled to a lot of allowances but I get tax credits, sorry thought you meant benefits full stop!

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 12/01/2017 23:21

I get what a lot of people are saying here, but the bottom line is how lovely to have 4 children!

Always remember how blessed you are :0)

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 23:23

I totally do keep cool! I'd never compromise my existing kids to have more

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 12/01/2017 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 12/01/2017 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 12/01/2017 23:27

they would need to want

They? You only want the one! And he'll be the right one so it makes no difference what 'they' have to say about it.

iiwy I'd not mention the multiple dads. The situation looks clear-cut so keep quiet until later.

I knew a woman who was out and proud about multiple fathers to her kids. Fair play to her imo.

Plus how many women have got pg and didn't go through with the pg. You chose to keep yours.

Ringsender2 · 12/01/2017 23:35

I don't judge either. I do wonder about the logistics for contact and think it might be a blimmin' nightmare, and as a PP said, wouldn't think favourably of someone who 'carousels' men in and out of their children's lives. Good luck OP

SandyY2K · 13/01/2017 00:19

On reading further posts in relation to finances and independance, should you want 2 more children, then you'll likely be out of the workforce through maternity leave and due to childcare being so expensive .... so you'll likely be financially dependant on your Ex and a new partner for some time.

People are saying it's not taking on 4 kids, but it kind of is really.

Not financially, I know, but as kids are with mums most of the time, it does have the feeling of taking on a certain responsibility.

Many years ago when I was a kid, a woman in our street had 5 kids, all different races (1 Caucasian, 1 biracial, 1 half Chinese, 1 half Indian and half Somalian). She was nicknamed the United nations .... so yes ... a fair bit of judgement towards her, also because she was on benefits and continued having kids.

pickledparsnip · 13/01/2017 00:42

No judgement from me. Anyone who does judge you is a twat.

MargeryFenworthy · 13/01/2017 08:01

I am not exhausted thinking of the logistics of adding more children, with potentially different fathers, to the mix. I'm not sure how you have time to think about a new relationship and another child. Focus on what you already have rather than a hypothetical new husband and more children.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2017 08:35

'My exh has 3 kids by two different women and probably would have had more with others had I not pushed for the snip, no one judges him.'

Really? I think more people do than you think especially when it comes to OLD, unless they're in the same boat, in which case, 6 kids with all those ex's? Fuckin' hell.

BarbarianMum · 13/01/2017 08:51

I wouldn't choose to get into a relationship with someone with multiple children from different relationships. Not would I choose to get into a relationship with someone who was deeply religious or who was a member of the conservative party. Doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with a y of those things, it would just be a very clear indication that we'd not be compatible.

SheldonCRules · 13/01/2017 09:03

I'd not want a relationship with somebody that had several children by different partners. It shows a lack of consideration for the children, a lack of commitment and would likely mean you would end up financially and physically supporting a lot of children that weren't your own. Especially as benefits are being claimed as the parent can't cover their own costs in the first place.

There are lots of things that would also mean I wouldn't date a person, them being a smoker, having tattoos etc. Everyone has different limits.

SheldonCRules · 13/01/2017 09:06

Just seen you would want more children but can't support the ones your have without benefits or your ex paying for children that are not his. Sheer madness in itself.

I'd be telling my son or daughter to run for the hills if that was a potential partner for them.

It seems very flaky and irresponsible.