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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
derxa · 14/01/2017 21:52
Sad
Sallystyle · 14/01/2017 21:55

The thing is you might have those urges for a long time anyway, or even forever if you don't meet someone who wants children.

Have you considered counselling? I get urges to have more children but I simply can't because I can't afford them. It wouldn't be fair to bring another child into the world when I can't support them fully on my own (the others except one were conceived when my situation was different and the one who was conceived then was an IUD baby) and my husband doesn't want any more.

There's a lot of things I desperately want but can't have. I do get your urges, but it seems like yours might be something you could do with getting help with? As it stands, you are no closer to having another child and this might have been all for nothing.

Perhaps if you get counselling together you might be able to make it work in the future?

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 22:04

I dont feel i need counselling. My ex thought it was biology hormones and my background that made me like this. Im not unhappy with my life infact im happier than ive been in a while

OP posts:
derxa · 14/01/2017 22:07

My ex thought it was biology hormones and my background that made me like this Have you explored this? I know someone who had 12 children but it was like an obsession and her children couldn't wait to escape.

Carnabyqueen · 14/01/2017 22:11

Poor girlfriend of your ex. Perhaps he should tell her he wants to get back with you.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 22:11

My kids dont want to escape. No ive never given it much thought

OP posts:
BumDNC · 14/01/2017 22:11

I can see that it's like a void you may never really fill. I would investigate it.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 22:12

Thats up to him queen

OP posts:
Pluto30 · 14/01/2017 22:16

I pity the girlfriend too.

Badhairday1001 · 14/01/2017 22:21

I wouldn't judge you and the right person for you won't either. I've got 3 all to the same dad but because they are very spread out people often ask if they have different dads. It's your life story, it really doesn't matter what other people think.

snapcrap · 14/01/2017 22:22

If this is real, then I do think you need to seek counselling OP. And yes I would judge - not because of the amount of sexual partners or relationships (most of us have had several partners) but because you are not prioritising your existing kids while you are looking for a new partner/baby. And for me, as others have said, I would just think 'messy' regarding ex partners and the logistics and practicalities of that.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 22:28

Why wouldnt it be real?

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 14/01/2017 22:31

Reverting back to your opening post then, tbh I think most people will have a judgemental view.

If I was single and met a man who had 4 kids with 3 different women I'd walk away.

TBH based on your updates about a 5th child and your last relationship I think you need to take a step back and really think about what your priorities are before talking about engaging in another relationship.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 22:55

My priorities very much lie with my children

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 14/01/2017 23:06

I'm sure they are.

But tbh I find that hard to reconcile with posts about having a 5th child tbh.

I really think you need to take a step back here and really take stock about your aspirations for yourself and your children.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 23:39

Well according to this thread no one would want me anyway 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Carnabyqueen · 15/01/2017 00:00

I think you are not in the right frame of mind to be even looking for a new partner. And how can you say you prioritise your children when you slit up with their dad because he didn't do what YOU wanted?

Sallystyle · 15/01/2017 00:10

My priorities very much lie with my children

Do they? You were willing to end your marriage over having a fifth child. How is that making them a priority? Were you thinking of what was best for them or just your selfish desire to have another baby at all costs?

I am not one to say anyone should stay with someone just for the kids, not if that relationship is unhealthy etc. I divorced my first husband because it was a horrible environment to raise children in. But in your case it all boils down to him not wanting a 5th child when he supports four already. You say that your marriage was not a bad one and the only thing stopping you being together right now is the fact that you know you will always want another child. It's all about you isn't it? Or that sweet newborn.

You wanted to try for a baby when your 4th was only 4 months old! That screams being obsessed with having babies. You left him because he didn't want another baby 4 months after you just had one.

What is really your main priority?

Bant · 15/01/2017 00:12

So what were the real reasons behind your split with your ex - apart from having another baby?

Some people may judge you for having kids by 3 different fathers. They're probably not your type anyway, so ignore them.

However, it's extremely unlikely, given the current situation, that you'll find a man willing to take on the role of stepfather to 4 other children whilst also having a child with you. Your ex seems to have done a great job of being stepfather and dad, but it's different to be stepfather to 2 and stepfather to 4 kids.

What's your obsession with more children? You're in love with the idea of being pregnant?

It sounds like an addiction, to me. And it's damaging your children's lives.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:15

That wasnt the only reason the marriage failed. He worked away alot so i was with all 4 alone alot and was trying to juggle working and a masters module aswell. Yes we did try straight away after number 4 but we stopped and did the right thing when i reliased its not what he wanted

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 15/01/2017 00:25

You were trying to juggle 4 kids on your own a lot so you wanted to try for a 5th when the baby was 4 months old?

Pull the other one. You left cause you are obsessed with having babies.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:28

That's uncalled for U2. We separated yes but he met someone else quickly so there were no onwards discussions.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 15/01/2017 00:32

No it wasn't uncalled for. Someone who is struggling with studying and looking after four children alone, enough that it destroys a marriage doesn't try for a fifth baby when the youngest is four months old unless they have issues, like being obsessed with having babies.

Anyway I'll leave you to it because you clearly won't see you have a problem. Good luck

Carnabyqueen · 15/01/2017 00:36

U2 is right. So you're already struggling with bringing up 4 kids, one of them only 4 months old whilst juggling studying so you thought, I know what will help, get pregnant again! Seriously? WTAF! That makes no sense whatsoever and makes you out to be really flaky, irresponsible and just lacking any sense.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:38

Queen I realised I was being unrealistic so stopped trying

OP posts:
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