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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:

Atenco · 14/01/2017 15:53

Busybeesbum Maybe the good thing about your situation, apart from your children and supportive ex, is that if you do find a new partner he will not be a narrow-minded judgmental creep.

A friend of mine found the best man in the world when she already had four children and went on to have twins with him.

Pendrive · 14/01/2017 15:57

I would judge you on the person you are now, not the number of fathers your children had but wanting more than 4 children is quite an unusual choice which I think would put a lot of men off, so you'll need to balance that against your wish to have more children.

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 16:03

Overall I think this urge to have more kids is something I don't understand in this instance, am I to assume the marriage had other reasons to fail because on that basis alone it seems you may end up shooting yourself in the foot in many ways. It seems like such a risky gamble to take for your current kids, based just around needing/wanting more kids? So the 2 kids who don't have their bio fathers in their lives now also don't live with the man they see as dad and cares for them, because of possible future siblings who could or could not ever exsist?

Do you think there is a point you would feel you would want to stop having babies i.e. 2 or would the desire always be there?

I would say this to a friend by the way, just out of curiosity as to whether your desire for babies could cloud your judgement and decisions.

There are a million things I want out of a relationship I agree you need to be on the same page with your life but then some things are practical and some things are impractical all round (and sorry to say this sounds quite impractical).

Pendrive · 14/01/2017 16:04

Do your four children spend time at your ex's house, e.g. Joint custody. How do you see that working when you are in a new relationship?

SVJAA · 14/01/2017 16:19

Why is everyone so judgemental about OP? Her kids aren't neglected, they're not hungry or in need of help from outside agencies. They're loved and looked after. What's the problem?

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 16:23

Oh my god you left him because he didn't want more children?

Get some counselling for your issues.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 16:25

The main reason was that i wanted more children and he didnt. He did agree to try shortly before we seperated but his heart wasnt in it so it wouldnt be fair. He wants to get back together. Pendrive we have joint custody and my ex is happy to be flexible too.

OP posts:

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 16:27

So they lost their dad because of your own selfish wants ....

tatree · 14/01/2017 16:29

Curry you're just rude. OP doesn't need counselling, and what a spiteful thing to say. I would suggest the person lurking on a thread for advice for three days straight determined to kick someone when they're down needs the help. OP ignore the nastiness - anyone giving you 'advice' in the form of thinly veiled insults is probably best not heard.

DowhatIwanttodo · 14/01/2017 16:31

Sorry but I thought your youngest was 6 months when he left. He agreed to try for more children then?

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 16:33

I think it sounds like such a shame! He sounds like a very lovely man and you have a large loving family. Would you not want to try again?

Newbrummie · 14/01/2017 16:37

You know when you're in the baby/little kid zone you can't imagine any other life and that's all you've done so far your whole adult life.
But you know there are good, non child related times ahead. Travel, study, career opportunities, couple time that's all far more fun than changing shitty nappies and being permanently pregnant.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 16:40

We tried a few times when my youngest was 4 months but i knew he was doing it to keep me happy so it wasnt a good reason. A few weeks later we split and he has told me hes considering a vasectomy.
I would like to try again but too much water had gone under the bridge

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/01/2017 16:48

You were trying for a baby when your fourth was four months old?

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 16:49

Yes chris

OP posts:

Trills · 14/01/2017 16:53

The pool of men who will want the life that you want is rapidly declining.

Newbrummie · 14/01/2017 17:01

The pool is declining for beautiful young single girls with no ties and no stretch marks nevermind the rest of us lol

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 17:05

This is also very true!
There is a whole world out there. I just think it's a shame to let the urge between an otherwise great marriage and family set up, or being single and focusing on securing your own future and all the great things out there in the world.

BumDNC · 14/01/2017 17:07

You know what I can't shake the feeling about this, and I know you are a fully grown woman entitled to feel however you want to feel, but is this just going to send you on a never ending search for something you won't ever find?

Underthemoonlight · 14/01/2017 17:14

I think you need to address the urge to have more DC you split your family because your wanted more DC yet you already had four and to be trying then DC was only 4 months old.

MargeryFenworthy · 14/01/2017 17:14

Reckless, feckless and irresponsible just about sums you up. Astonishingy that anyone can have such a cavalier attitude to bringing life into the work, never mind an endless parade of new 'dads'

Sallystyle · 14/01/2017 18:03

I was with you OP until you said you left him because you want more kids.

Yeah, that's pretty reckless considering you have four children. Who put their kids through a divorce because 4 isn't enough children?

Sallystyle · 14/01/2017 18:10

Your four children now don't live with their father because you wanted another baby. You might not even find another man to give you the 5th child. So what is it for? Did you think about your existing children at all?

Would they have rather have their mum and dad (the man who is raising them) together or another sibling?

I also think you need counselling to see what is going on that you think leaving your husband because he didn't want a fifth child was a decent idea.

DowhatIwanttodo · 14/01/2017 18:17

I don't get your mindset on this. You started trying for another baby when your fifth child was only four months old then split up as obviously your ex didn't want to after all. What if you had waited a couple of years? Maybe your ex would have changed his mind or maybe you would have? Did you not think, I'll give it a couple of years and see how things are then?

So you must be dating now with a view to having another child asap?

Otherwise why not stay in the relationship you were in especially as you keep saying what a good man and father he is.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 18:48

It's one of many reasons we split up as it caused resentment. My ex didn't think it was sensible to go through pregnancy and childbirth another time whereas I did. Our lives were going in separate directions

OP posts:

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