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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/01/2017 11:14

Contraception is readily available and nobody has the be pregnant, "accidents" happen when it's not used correctly

Oh really? I conceived with an IUD. The IUD was perfectly in place as well, so it was used correctly. It was a real accident, not an 'accident'

Mind you, my own in-laws accused me of taking it out, having sex and putting it back in again

Sallystyle · 14/01/2017 11:27

This whole conversation is getting ridiculous

And pretty fucking mean in places.

I am sure the OP regrets posting it.

BTW my husband would never decide to not see the three children from my first marriage if we split up. He is their father, just not biologically and he loves them like he loves his bio children. There is no difference in his love and feelings of responsibility towards them. He can't support them financially right now due to being disabled but I know full well that if he could and we separated he would support them financially no matter what happened to us. When he married me he knew he was making a commitment to them for life so I don't think the OP is living in lala land.

Of course he could lose his job and become disabled, but if he doesn't I see no reason why he wouldn't continue to support those children. Some men genuinely love their step children like their own and want to support them because they love them. Some men are just really decent people.

I know that is hard for a lot of people to understand.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 11:44

And pretty fucking mean in places.

Maybe it's because people feel a bit tired and sad at the many instances of casual childbearing people see around them. It's pretty depressing. I wish the OP all the best and think she's been a great sport on this thread, but I can't just sit on my hands and not type a response when someone writes something as moronic as

Perhaps people are quick to judge bcs, wait for it, they genuinely think they have pretty much full control over what happens to them. Thats a pretty terrifying thing to be thinking imo but many are wedded to it.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 11:46

My ex doesn't want more children he's firm on that and is taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen. I don't expect him to be calling round with his cheque book when we split the agreement was the mortgage and the kids to be funded not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 11:47

And I haven't casually had kids everywhere either I was in a relationship with all 3 fathers and married to 1 of them

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 14/01/2017 11:57

Casual child bearing tbh does not take place as often as it's portrayed. Every single woman I know who's a single mum was married.

derxa · 14/01/2017 12:00

Gosh I admire your energy.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 12:02

And I haven't casually had kids everywhere either I was in a relationship with all 3 fathers and married to 1 of them

Thanks for your views. I had my first child at 21 from a fling. My second at 23 to a short relationship that I thought was going somewhere but obviously wasn't. I then met my ex husband and had my third and fourth at 27 and 29. We separated 18 months ago but are on very good terms.

These two things don't match. I don't want to give you a hard time but please reconsider your desire to have more children and just focus on the ones you have. This is not fair for them.

ladylambkin · 14/01/2017 12:03

I have children to 2 different fathers I was married to both of them, both 10 year relationships which ended because both of them couldn't keep their dick in their pants.

Judge away

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 12:16

Curry you seem determined to belittle me. None of my children were from one night stands. I will concentrate on the ones ive got but i have the urge to have more. Thats not something i can help but its whether i act on those urges

OP posts:

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 12:20

Not really relationships when it was two men in two years and you had a child by each, it's barely dating and there is no way in that short time you can honestly say you knew them well enough to make them the co parent.

It's very possible to date without bringing more children into it.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 12:20

Where did I say your children were the product of a one-night stand?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/01/2017 12:33

You cont really seem to have had long gaps between relationship

Was your youngest only six months when you split with your dh?

Perhaps it time to be on your own and sort out what you really want and when you do meet someone spend a long time getting to know them before having a child with them

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 12:34

Youre insinuating alot curry. My eldest 2 fathers were unsuitable i will say that. My ex wasnt unsuitable but unfortunately it didnt work out

OP posts:

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 12:37

Yes christina my youngest was 6 months old when we separated. Shes now 2 and a half so ive been mainly single for two years

OP posts:

Artandco · 14/01/2017 12:40

You do seem to rush into relationships though. Baby 1 at 21, 2 at 23. That 2 children within 2 years meaning you must have moved straight onto second relationship and baby as soon as first born. Most people wouldn't even think of dating new with a newborn baby, let alone have another baby straight away. Then next relationship was soon after for 3rd,4th to be all born within 6 years of first. It's just all rushed. Your 32 now, realistically to allow time to get over relationship properly, start dating, leave time before children even meet new partner, then a few years to get to know partner, the earliest you would have another child would be at 38-40 years old

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 12:53

Ive been single for 2 years to clarify. There is not carousel of men through meeting my kids. Yes art when i was younger i was stupid ive admitted that. Any one ive been dating in the past 2 years hasnt met my kids nor have my kids been aware of them

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 14/01/2017 12:57

You do realise on average most relationships that are unlikely to last split up from 18month-2year period. Add a 9month pregnancy into the mix it seems that you have been abit reckless to jump into relationships far too quickly. You can date and not have DC.

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 13:08

Im not going over this again moonlight

OP posts:

springydaffs · 14/01/2017 14:58

Why is it terrifying to have have control over the number of children you have and by whom?

That isn't what I said. I said it's terrifying that people genuinely believe they have full control over what happens to them.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/01/2017 15:12

Why did you split with dh?

Newbrummie · 14/01/2017 15:12

Hindsight is 20/20 ..., oh for a crystal ball eh

Original poster

Busybeesbum · 14/01/2017 15:37

Because i wanted more kids and he doesnt chris

OP posts:

Winniethepooer · 14/01/2017 15:44

Mumsnet at its best!

Imfree · 14/01/2017 15:45

You split up with him because you wanted him to agree to have more than four children when your fourth was 6 months old?

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