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Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
Highalert · 13/01/2017 22:01

People who judge you are so wrapped up in their own narrow minded world they are not worth worrying about really.

Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 22:03

Yes, newbrummie.

I just wonder if the OP does actually have a fair financial settlement from the divorce. I hope so.

I hope she isn't just thinking "Great, he lets me stay in his house that I have no claim on" without considering the longer-term implications of that.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 22:05

Im confident regarding the divorce settlement and dont want it picked apart on here

OP posts:
bearsnumberonefan · 13/01/2017 22:10

I couldn't give a rats arse if anyone judged me. Same as you I have 4 by 3 dads (I'm happily married to number 3 still). The eldest two don't see their birth fathers. I love my kids and wouldn't change them for the world. No this isn't what I had planned when I was younger but it happened. And quite frankly anyone who judged me before even getting to know me and my family is not worth my time.

Pluto30 · 13/01/2017 22:10

I wouldn't be interested in dating a man with four children by three different women, and there's nothing different about the reverse, so.

I don't think people are criticising you for being supported by your ex, OP, but they are judging your comments that you want more kids. If you can't support the ones you've got if circumstances change, you've no business having more. That's the harsh truth of it all. He may well end up not paying for the two that aren't his.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 22:15

Im not going to lie. In an ideal world i would like more. It doesnt mean im going to go and get pregnant

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 13/01/2017 22:19

Fair enough, Busy. I'll stop there.

I do wish you the best.

Bettydownthehall · 13/01/2017 22:42

There was a post upthread that said at least you will weed out the judgey fuckers. How true, you really don't want anyone in your life that will judge you on having 4 lovely children that you clearly adore. And you would do it all over again.

I have 5 children. 4 with ExH and 1 with new partner. He wasn't a judgey fucker, so I fell in love with him.

I have lost count of the amount of times that people have said "all by the same dad?" When I have told them the number of children I have.

Non of their business.

In fact I have been known to say, "no, 5 children by 6 dads", just to confuse them.

springydaffs · 13/01/2017 22:49

Grin Betty. You classy gal, you.

pringlecat · 13/01/2017 23:22

People have the right to judge you, OP. Just as you have the right to judge them for being judgey.

I don't think I would say you have 4 children by 3 different fathers - I would just say you have 4 children. Your ex clearly regards them as his own and you have no contact with the other two men. I take it your children also regard him as their dad? The other two men then become a minor detail to mention much later down the line.

However, as your ex hasn't legally adopted the other two, I do wonder if he's legally obliged to pay for them (because you legally agreed that as part of your divorce) or if he's just paying for them under an informal arrangement between the two of you. What if he were to start seeing someone else, who resented how much money he gave you? Would that all stop?

Your ex sounds lovely (although there were clearly reasons why it didn't work out). You managed to make someone that lovely fall in love with you once as a single mother, there's no reason to say it won't happen again. You don't need everyone in the world to be open to dating a women with 4 kids by 3 different fathers, just one nice bloke who wants to date you.

Online dating is horrible, so I wish you good luck.

Sallystyle · 13/01/2017 23:22

I wouldn't judge, I'm in no position to, but I wouldn't want to date a man who had children by more than one woman. Simply because of the potential hassle involved., However if only one dad is in your life I think it simplifies matters, so really you just need to find a man who is ok with you having children and wants more. The amount of fathers you have children with shouldn't come into it if only the one is involved.

I have five children, three with my ex husband and two with my 'current' husband. FWIW I was told by someone that I would find it hard to find a man who would want me with three young children (two with special needs.) Well I did find someone who didn't blink an eye at the situation and is their father in every way that matters. Our blended family is not hell for the children, it has always ran very smoothly. My ex sadly died but we were all close friends and it all just worked.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 23:36

Pringle my ex wouldnt stop paying for the kids. As far as hes concerned all 4 are equal. U2 sorry about your ex

OP posts:
Greatblue0wl · 13/01/2017 23:45

Your career is ambiguous in this situation, especially if you hope to have more children.

Will your ex really carry on paying the mortgage when you find your next partner, and have two children with the new guy.

I thought maintenance arrangements stop when someone else moves in and becomes the provider.

Greatblue0wl · 13/01/2017 23:48

Sorry, I meant divorce maintence, not child maintenance.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 13/01/2017 23:56

Why would my ex not contribute to the house his 4 kids live in? Obvs down the line things may change but we will sort that then

OP posts:
Greatblue0wl · 14/01/2017 00:16

But your thread is about down the line? when you have a new partner and possibly children? Im not disputing what is happening currently.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 14/01/2017 01:00

Usually spousal maintenance ends once cohabiting with someone new.

So if you meet someone and he moves in, your ex is unlikely to continue paying your mortgage. Because at that point he'd be paying to facilitate another man's living which obviously those with sense don't tend to do.

Pallisers · 14/01/2017 01:03

I'm sad to say that one of the reasons I stayed in an unhappy relationship was that I didn't want to go back on the market with 2x2.

Back on the market??? Seriously? Is being in a relationship so important that you would stay in a bad one rather than risk not being accepted in the marketplace of relationships because of your children and their parentage?

That is sad. I wish more women could realise that a "relationship" isn't the bee-all and end-all of life.

mamakena · 14/01/2017 03:02

I have 2 by 1 XH and I feel very judged and very bad. My family are all stable no-divorce. So are almost all my frinds, to the point I just distance myself. So sadly yes, some can be judgey.

MuseumOfCurry · 14/01/2017 09:52

Perhaps people are quick to judge bcs, wait for it, they genuinely think they have pretty much full control over what happens to them. Thats a pretty terrifying thing to be thinking imo but many are wedded to it.

I have full control over how many children I have, and by whom. I can't see how this terrifies you.

SVJAA · 14/01/2017 10:02

I have full control over how many children I have, and by whom. I can't see how this terrifies you

So effectively you're judging someone for choosing not to terminate and having the kids instead. Is it only a woman's right to choose when she's choosing termination? What happened to freedom of choice?

notinagreatplace · 14/01/2017 10:27

"I wouldn't feel compatible with someone who I felt had a more cavalier approach to having kids"

I agree with this - I am just naturally quite risk averse. My DH and I dated for 5 years before we were ready to get engaged and then it took us another 3-4 years to decide to TTC. We are both people who just like to take our time, think everything through very carefully and weigh pros and cons. We then had infertility so it took us even longer to conceive but basically it took us the same length of time to decide to TTC as it took the OP to have 4 kids!

That's clearly just a big difference in attitude. I see all the time on here women who just go for it and figure it will work out later - I'm not "judging" that in the sense of thinking it's morally wrong in some way but I wouldn't be compatible with someone who worked like that.

I also wouldn't be interested full stop, to be honest, in taking on four step-children. That's a lot, especially if they all live pretty much full-time with you. And the three fathers bit does add more complexity - the two absent fathers may try to make contact later on.

notinagreatplace · 14/01/2017 10:36

So effectively you're judging someone for choosing not to terminate and having the kids instead. Is it only a woman's right to choose when she's choosing termination? What happened to freedom of choice?

People are free to terminate or not as they wish but people are also free to choose who they want to date?

I would terminate if my life circumstances weren't right for me to have a child and I don't think I would be compatible with someone who wouldn't be in favour of that decision.

SheldonCRules · 14/01/2017 10:51

Why is it terrifying to have have control over the number of children you have and by whom?

Contraception is readily available and nobody has the be pregnant, "accidents" happen when it's not used correctly, one one party actually wants a baby or when one is blasé about it. In the U.K., nobody has to remain pregnant either.

I couldn't be with a person who was so blasé about having children or who needed a constant partner in their life rather than be happy to be single until they met their life partner.

Sadly for many children their parents wants and desires come first. The amount that don't seem to be able to comprehend being single is astounding, so they jump head first into relationship after relationship, child after child and leave others to pick up the pieces and costs. The children see that as their main role model and believe that's how adult relationships work.

The OP is living in lala land if she believes her ex is always gong to be there with his cheque book. He may go on to have more children, fall ill, lose his job or simply decide the OP should be the one supporting her children by another man not him. I'm guessing that's why the next in line needs to have a good job, nothing about supporting himself but having the cash she needs for the life she wants.

Newbrummie · 14/01/2017 11:03

Woo woo woo .... from my understanding the op was in a relationship when these 4 children were born. Why on earth would she be terminating pregnancies? do you think There should be some way of getting a refund or exchange of the relationship doesn't work ?
This whole conversation is getting ridiculous

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