DH complaining about condom use.

[user1483804139]

Was trying to post this is sex category but it won't let me post there for some reason.

Anyway, me and DH usually combine withdrawal and condoms. Withdrawal at my least fertile times and condoms when I'm most fertile. This has always worked well but I'm not willing to do the withdrawal anymore as I've decided I definitely don't want anymore kids. I have two lovely daughters already. Anyway, the constant condom use seems to be ruining our sex life as DH complains that he can't really feel a deal and struggles to come. I've suggested he go for the snip as I don't want any hormones, I can only take the PoP and it never really agreed with me. AIBU to refuse going back on the pill and ask that he have the snip?

It's interesting that when a woman won't do what a man wants, lots of people get angry and say that by disobeying him , she is forcing something on HIM.

Because even if the 1 in 10 figure for side effects or complications is correct that means 9 in 10 don't. Equalling the vast majority.

I'm probably not explaining myself very well spartacus. Another thought I just had though - has OP even said that her DH doesn't want more children? If his sudden reluctance to wear condoms is due to the fact that he would actually like more children in the near future then I think that OP should be the person who either takes responsibility for contraception or says she is not willing to have sex unless her DH agrees to wear condoms. I think there is too much presumption that both OP and her DH are in agreement about not having any more children (not presumptions by you).

category12 almost 100% have infertility as a side affect and OPs DH might not want that. Of course he could just continue to wear a condom unless he does actually have a valid reason for nat wanting to which he hasn't given to OP yet.

Sixisthemagicnumber: it's not a side-effect, it's the purpose of the op.

I said in my initial post that "I do think it's mostly on the person who is completely sure they don't want more kids to enact a final solution. If the couple are both sure, then I think it's fairest for the bloke to do it, as typically the woman will have gone through far more demanding things contraception wise over all. If only one of them is sure, then that person should do it. But if his argument is that the op might change her mind and therefore he is saving her from herself by refusing, not that he might want more dc, then he is being a paternalistic dick."

Also, previously I was replying to birdybirdywoofwoof - sorry not to have made it clear.

Yes you are right- it is the purpose of the op. I do think some posters haven't considered whether the DH wants that though and have focused solely on it being an easier op than female sterilisation.

Mm but Nhs say 10-15% have complications. The majority don't but I don't think it's a 'vast' majority.

The only reason my dh is happy to have the vasectomy is, if we were ever to break up, he doesn't want children with any other woman.

When he got with me, he didn't actually want kids but agreed knowing I did. He loves them now and is happy he has them but wouldn't go on to have more

If 90% isn't a vast majority, what the heck is?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask a husband/male partner to have the snip after you and he have finished completed your family. A vasectomy is a much simpler, more straight-forward procedure than having one's tubes tied.

Surely it's the man's turn to take one for the team after his wife/partner has gone through pregnancy(ies) and childbirth for the team.

Get your tubes tied. Best thing I ever did. Easy surgery and the mental freedom it gives us amazing.

Meh I guess it doesn't feel like it when you're in the thick of it.

It gets boring to see how the complications are dismissed so lightly on here. Even the word 'snip' trivialises it.

Up the condoms, I say!

If the OP is happy with the condom and DH isn't... then DH is obviously the one that should do something about it, isn't he?

No condom = no sex. Or he has to find something with the same or better pearl index he can enact, doesn't he?

Birdy: Given the amount of side-effects hormonal and physical contraceptives have for a lot of women over their fertile years or the more invasive sterilisation op for women, I'm inclined to have a smallish violin for guys. Shrug.

Condoms ftw.

I don't see it as a 'whose got it worse' competition.

"Surely it's the man's turn to take one for the team after his wife/partner has gone through pregnancy(ies) and childbirth for the team."

That's just not fair though, because of the biological differences.

A man cannot take a turn at childbirth.

He can take turns in reversible contraception.

And no-one should be pressured into surgery for the sake of taking a turn, especially when no-one has actually had a turn at the surgical option.

1:10 risk of potentially incurable lifetime pain. That's just not insignificant and is worth much more consideration than a sarcastic tiny violin.

He doesn't want to take a turn at reversible contraception though, that's the point!

I'm inclined to have a smallish violin for guys. Shrug.

How patronising.

And women run the risk of complications from their surgeries and contraceptives too. And from bearing children. I dunno why that's so much more acceptable than men running a similar risk. 90% of them coming through it unscathed, poor things.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask a husband/male partner to have the snip after you and he have finished completed your family

Her DH hasn't decided they have finished the family, the OP has.

No one has the right to tell someone what to do with their body.

I had the snip after my second was born - it didn't hurt and apart from needing some antibiotics afterwards I've never had a problem. Unless he plans to have more children in future tell him to stop being a pussy and get the snip

When Dh was in hospital for the fourth time, we all stood around the bed and played 'fuck you' on a tiny violin.
Heart-warming it was.

He's using condoms in conjunction with NFP. That actually sounds like a great way of taking turns (part female observation, part male device use)

OP wants to change this to condoms all the time. He wants to continue condoms part time. It's not clear cut taking turns. But it could be, if they switched to non-PIV at any time he didn't want to cloak up.

But I think it's right to exclude permanent surgical removal of fertility from any notion of a 'turn', because it's just not the same thing.

People have completely derailed this thread with the anti-vasectomy brigade. Good job.

We were in a similar situation. We didn't want anymore kids and I didn't think if fair to ask my wife to take the pill. I had a vasectomy two years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I admit it was unpleasant and painful for a few weeks after, but that's all.

I has it done in a doctors surgery and possibly the worst thing was knowing my wife was the other side of the curtain happily reading her kindle!