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Original poster

Be honest or hide my past?

170 replies

MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 12:39

Please be gentle with me - looking for some honest advice. I split up from my ex almost 2 years ago and he didn't pay me any money for the first few months. To make ends meet for a year or so I did some escort work. Haven't ever told friends of family about it. I made good money, alongside my day job, and once my ex started payments I eventually stopped doing the escort work. The advice I would like is this - Ive started dating a lovely man and I feel unsure whether to be honest with him about my past. What do you feel?

OP posts:
parklives · 11/01/2017 18:14

As long as you don't mind everyone you know knowing...then tell him.
Cos as soon as you breakup/have a bad argument he is most likely to start telling people.
If you have kids (sorry just skimmed the thread) it will probably get back to them, not nice for them to be bullied about this at school etc.

I think you're living in a dream world if you think there's any reason to tell him at this stage of your relationship!

wherearemymarbles · 11/01/2017 18:15

I wonder if this is more to do with the fact that you feel the need to tell someone ? Are there things you want to talk about?

I dont think he needs to know after 21 days for sure. And probably not after 21 years either.

Finally it would take quite an emotionally robust person to have a relationship with a sex worker and I doubt he is that so going back to it wont be a good idea.

HorridHenryrule · 11/01/2017 18:20

Don't tell him until you can trust him. I would wait 5 years atleast to see what kind of person he is. You don't want that thrown back in your face.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/01/2017 18:20

What lookformeinrainbows said:
That the guy is even asking this question so early in the relationship is worrying. It often indicates a potentially jealous person, and for that reason it's best that you keep your past where it belongs...in the past. The only way to do that is to carry on as you have been doing, by telling no one. Once you share, with even just one other person, it has every likelihood of becoming public knowledge.

Michelle, you don't have to answer every question he asks you. It is none of his business. You don't kiss and tell. I will say that if you go back to it, then it would be his business for his sexual health reasons. But I still wouldn't tell him, I'd just break it off with him.

If he volunteered the number of women he's been with-it does not create a contract for you to be equally indescrete. That is a manipulation. Red Flag.

This is your boundary. If that is a dealbreaker for him, then let him go. I agree with pps that he would use this information against you, forever , because you can not change the past. Even if you were not an escort, I would advise not offering up your sexual provenance/resume/history. Nunya Bizness.

upaladderagain · 11/01/2017 18:22

Frankly, it's none of his business and he has no right to ask. A lot of men cling to the old madonna/whore thing and however they behave themselves they somehow feel they deserve a "virtuous" woman.

My DH would never have dreamed of asking me, although he knew I was a lot more experienced than him. However, my teenage DD asked me once I told her that all she needed to know was that her father was the last.

If you really want to be honest but without giving him a possible stick to beat you with maybe say something along the lines that all he needs to know is that he's the last person you slept with. Or just tell him how many you've been in a relationship with.

Ohyesiam · 11/01/2017 18:26

I think any discussion of previous partners never goes well ,why would anyone ask? I've heard of several cases where this has not gone well, and that's without the escort factor. I wonder why any man would ask, unless they had a bit of a niggle of insecurity, and even the most enlightened men might interpret your past as rendering you much more experienced than them. They might get serious Willy shrinkage at the thought, and find it hard to be understanding.
Usually I think honesty of the best policy, but in this case, I think you may be entitled to keep your past your own.

HorridHenryrule · 11/01/2017 18:33

Why would you want to share it the thought sends shivers down my spine. You can dress it up as much as you want to him. It's what he thinks of you after and how he may treat you.

dowhatnow · 11/01/2017 18:33

I would normally advocate telling the truth but this is such a big deal I would say, only tell if there is the remotest chance of it coming out - but there isn't, as there is only one person who knows - You. So keep quiet.

The second you tell someone else then you are in the hand of the Gods them We all know people who tell people things, swearing them to secrecy, who tells someone else, swearing them to secrecy... And that is before the jilted vengeful ex starts bandying it around.

DorindaJ · 11/01/2017 18:34

The fact he has asked, is not a reason for him to know. You hardly know this guy yet. Please don't feel obligated. It is not honesty but privacy that is important. You have a right to keep some things (whatever you wish) private, from anyone.

It is none of his business You are not actually in a relationship with him yet. I wouldn't tell my sister, or anyone. I would find a therapist and discuss with them the issue if my past is causing me problems.

I can guarantee you will not gain anything by disclosing to this guy, a relative stranger, about your past. Why would you even consider it? Please don't.

DorindaJ · 11/01/2017 18:35

The question is, why does her feel the need to ask at all? For me this would be a red flag.

DorindaJ · 11/01/2017 18:38

*he

Ohyesiam · 11/01/2017 18:39

Judy rtwt, and you've only been seeing him 3 weeks? I thought it was a year or so.
No, you have nothing to be gained by telling him. If it for not go well with him, your kids could and up having this thrown in their face in the playground, it happened to a friend of mine in very similar situation.
Work on your self preservation instinct.

Batteriesallgone · 11/01/2017 18:45

There could perhaps be more to this than the OP is saying.

For example, perhaps he feels she is a bit 'mechanical' during sex and has asked how many people she's slept with in an effort to understand whats going on.

I have a pretty negative sexual history and was very weird around sex when I met my now-DH. I had to tell him pretty early on about being raped etc so that he had some rationale explaining my behaviour.

Lots of women who have done sex work suffer residual issues in the aftermath and can find it affects relationships.

OP - be very careful he's not jealous and controlling. But if you genuinely think he's a nice guy, you could tell him your 'number' is over 50 and see how you go from there based on his reaction.

gleam · 11/01/2017 18:45

I wouldn't tell him, ever. What business is it of his?

I wouldn't tell your sister either.

Fatrascals · 11/01/2017 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2017 18:52

Honestly, if any man asked me the 'exact number of men you've slept with' I'd run for the hills. It smacks of being judgmental and of them having a specific number in their heads that's 'too many' or being the type to throw it at you at some point in the future, iyswim.

DH and I have never asked each other this question and we've been together 30 years. Naturally we had 'general' discussions around past experiences and both of us knew the other had had other partners but neither of us wanted or needed to know the 'exact number'. Why would anyone need to know that?

If someone is worried about STIs, then they should ask that both of you get tested. If they're worried about your number of partners on a 'moral' basis, they don't deserve you.

RebelRogue · 11/01/2017 18:53

OH knows there have been A LOT before him. One of the reasons I'm with him is because he doesn't care,never brings it up etc. He never actually asked either it just came up in random conversations .
I find it a bit of a red flag someone asking straight how many. If it matters i wouldn't want to be with them. If it doesn't why ask,especially only after a few weeks. But I'd answer honestly because I wouldn't want to be wasting my time on someone that can't accept me for who i am and who i was.

FrederickWeaselBottomIV · 11/01/2017 19:01

After reading fords post and the fact that you have only known him for 3 weeks makes me think you should not tell him.

Kind of sucks if i was in that position but you have a kid to think of and if word got out that his mum was an escort it could very well ruin his school life.

Maybe not even tell your sister unless you are super close. maybe this is one of those 'take it to the grave' things

DrMorbius · 11/01/2017 19:03

Your asking for advice from the wives and partners of the men you slept with. BlushBiscuitBiscuit

MotherofA · 11/01/2017 19:20

That's private and past . Leave it there. Nothing to do with who you are now Smile .

Gildedcage · 11/01/2017 19:21

I don't have any real experience but what I would say is I've been with my dh for a long time. I've never told him about anything I've done with people before we were together but he has never asked. You are entitled to your history.

But...I think something like this is a matter of trust. You would have to have a great deal of trust that he wouldn't use this against you or judge you. Personally if I had something like this in my past I think I would tell my dh. Just because it would feel like a dark secret between us.

Ultimately you've only known him for a short time I would me only even considering it with someone I'd known for a long time and trusted. As regards the regular client's I imagine they wouldn't want people to know they used escorts services.

ForalltheSaints · 11/01/2017 19:29

If you do decide to tell, be prepared for the possibility of him ending the relationship. Unless any of the men you were with via escorting are scumbags, he is unlikely to find out, as surely the oldest profession is about discretion?

MotherofA · 11/01/2017 19:30

Just read some more of the thread ... I find it concerning him asking how many men you have slept with it? Personally I would say he could be insecure and become jealous and possessive.
I seriously think you would regret telling a man this and also don't think you can be in a relationship and start again . That would be deceptive and you would feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty about the past though .

Skang · 11/01/2017 19:44

It wouldn't cross my mind for a minute to tell him, ever. I think it would a fucking stupid thing to do. I have no doubt in my mind at all that is you do you'll regret it at some point down the line.

pinkyredrose · 11/01/2017 20:00

He's got no right questioning you about your sexual history, all he'd ever need to know is whether you have any STIs. Has he told you how many people he's had sex with?