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Original poster

Be honest or hide my past?

170 replies

MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 12:39

Please be gentle with me - looking for some honest advice. I split up from my ex almost 2 years ago and he didn't pay me any money for the first few months. To make ends meet for a year or so I did some escort work. Haven't ever told friends of family about it. I made good money, alongside my day job, and once my ex started payments I eventually stopped doing the escort work. The advice I would like is this - Ive started dating a lovely man and I feel unsure whether to be honest with him about my past. What do you feel?

OP posts:
category12 · 11/01/2017 15:23

How long have you known this guy? If you rip off the rose-tinted glasses of early love/lust/infatuation, what are his attitudes to women and sex - like is he judgey about sex work, is he judgey about promiscuity, does he have a madonna/whore complex about women? I would get a damn good idea of where he's at over all, before you think about telling him.

And I would talk to your sister first if you're going to tell anyone.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 15:27

Why do you need to tell him? It's none of his buisness OR your sisters.

It's also none of his fucking buisness how many people you slept with since your ex? What is he doing making sure your not a slag? Hmm

I've never asked Dh and he has never asked me. What's important is NOW not the past.

I'd be pretty pissed off with him to be honest for even asking.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 15:29

Keep your mouth shut then no fucker knows.

singleandfabulous · 11/01/2017 15:30

I wouldnt say anything. I'd lock it away as a 'past job' and not tell anyone. It's nobodys business but yours and it happened before you met him. Did you use anohter name with clients? If so, and they recognise you, just say it's a case of mistaken identity as in, "no sorry, I'm Dawn not Davina, you must have the wrong person."

Imagine if you do tell him and he goes funny and decides to tell your friends, your family, your colleagues and any future partners. What a nightmare that would be.

Your past is your past and none of his (or anyone else's) business.

I'd also take it slowly if he's asked you how many men you've been with. It would ring alarm bells with me.

user1478860582 · 11/01/2017 15:34

What the hell has it really got to do with anyone else? Let's face it, you don't go into the ins and outs of your past sex life do you? You had a past and that's where it stays.

As a guy, it wouldn't bother me one bit. I would look at it as you doing what you had to do to survive at that moment in time. You did a mechanical act with these guys and that was it. So what? In fact I'd probably count myself lucky. After all, you'd chosen me.

manhowdy · 11/01/2017 15:34

This is not a secret you ever need to tell - especially to someone you've only just started dating. Stop dwelling on it. You did what you had to to get by at the time. No one's business but yours.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2017 15:36

I think telling him would also open up another whole load of questions that can't be avoided.
The thought of over 50 partners to some men might be a big turn off.
You don't need to tell him.
I wouldn't.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 11/01/2017 15:39

When he asked, you should have said 'a lady never tells' or some joke - I wouldn't have lied or told the truth.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 15:39

I did use another name yes. I saw a few of my clients a few times so they would definitely know it was me. Though I guess they knew the deal so probably would say hi to me if I was with someone else. I've only been seeing him a few weeks, though we are sleeping together, and I probably don't know deeply enough his views on women

OP posts:
ALLthedinosaurs · 11/01/2017 15:40

It's your business. You don't owe him or your sister the details or an explanation.

I wouldn't care tbh if my partner had been an escort, as long as he's not doing it now and had had an STI check, but it sounds as though he might... asking how many people you've slept with and such. Do you want to share personal details with someone who might judge you? You have absolutely no obligation.

I wouldn't tell him.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 15:40

(Wouldn't say hi to me)

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 11/01/2017 15:40

MN has very strong views on men attending strip clubs etc on stag do's. most mn'ers find it abhorrent. A deal breaker.
Being a previous escort is not totally dissimilar, it is a very big secret to hide. It may be early days ATM, but how you could hide this if it got serious, is beyond me.

likewhatevs · 11/01/2017 15:42

Honestly. I regret the day I was ever honest with DH, because he has never 'forgiven' me for my past, none of which I regret btw. 14 years later it still bothers him. If I'd know about his issues back then I would have kept schtum.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2017 15:42

A few weeks!!
No way then.

category12 · 11/01/2017 15:45

Too soon then. Know him first.

kel12345 · 11/01/2017 15:53

Personally I believe honesty is the best policy, and I'd tell my so about it.
I think once you're at a stage in the relationship where you know it's something you are both in for the long haul, then it's important to get the past out in the open. My dh and I sat down and told each other about past relationships, things we'd done, things that have happened to us.
It was nice to have it out in the open.
It's not something we discuss every day, but we are able to have a laugh about certain things, and the things that were more serious, it's nice to know we have each other's support.

FrederickWeaselBottomIV · 11/01/2017 15:53

As a guy I dont think I would mind if its in the past but then again it depends on the circumstances like how well we click and how bad her (theoreticall her) circumstance were to resort to that line of work.

But then again I would never ask, it tends to be a bit of a rabbit hole question especially if your partner is good looking.

For some people its an important thing to know if they are the conservative type or a bit religious.

And its a pretty big lie to build a relationship on especially as he has asked so its more of a question of how it will sit with you since he will be none the wiser?

Curious to know if other people on here would want to know of their partner had been with or worked as an escort in the past?

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 15:55

Yes I guess I could ask him obliquely what his views are on sex work. Maybe say I read an article or survey that most men wouldn't mind and see how he reacts

OP posts:
fulberoo · 11/01/2017 15:58

100% do not mention it until / unless you're absolutely certain he'd be OK with it.

I know that I'd probably rather not know, in his shoes. Your past is your past, and all this "it'll come out one way or the other" business is total nonsense. It won't if you don't tell anybody! What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, and he doesn't have any right to know anything beyond your clean bill of STI health.

The idea that couples should have no secrets from one another is a real Confused to me. Perhaps there's a case for it when the secrets date from after the start of the relationship, but before? Nope. It was your life and he wasn't in it. Keep shtum.

Xocaraic · 11/01/2017 16:00

If two people in this world know a secret, it's one person too many.
Keep it in the past as long as you have had sexual health clearance.
Say you tell him and then you break up? Who would he tell?
You did what you had to do at a vulnerable time of your life to support you/your children. Let it go now. Close the door.

fulberoo · 11/01/2017 16:02

Say you tell him and then you break up? Who would he tell?

Now that is a very, very wise point.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 16:09

Yes he could tell someone it is a wise point. I'm really torn - and there is one other point I haven't mentioned. I have a few money problems currently following Christmas and my boiler breaking down and I can't help but think how easy it would be to sort those if I started again briefly. And I would definitely need to involve him if I was thinking along those lines.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/01/2017 16:17

If you're going back to it, then it's a different story - it's not fair to unknownst to him expose him to very different risk factors than a conventional monogamous dating situation.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 16:21

I absolutely agree and I never would do that Category12. It's only been a passing thought over Christmas because of money problems really

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 11/01/2017 16:25

If it were me, I'd tell him. Just as I would like to be told myself. Also, there's always some arsehole who can't keep their gob shut (albeit not on purpose). I wouldn't want it hanging over me forever.

Me and my DH2b have briefly discussed our pasts but skeleton details. TBH I don't really care what he did before me, but I would like to know this. Even then I wouldn't ask for details.

However if your DP wants to know the ins and outs (sounds like he will) that wouldn't be good. It would have to be on the premise that you're going to tell him something but it's in the past and you won't be going into detail and stick to it.

He will have to accept that. If he can't, then that's another discussion.

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