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Original poster

Be honest or hide my past?

170 replies

MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 12:39

Please be gentle with me - looking for some honest advice. I split up from my ex almost 2 years ago and he didn't pay me any money for the first few months. To make ends meet for a year or so I did some escort work. Haven't ever told friends of family about it. I made good money, alongside my day job, and once my ex started payments I eventually stopped doing the escort work. The advice I would like is this - Ive started dating a lovely man and I feel unsure whether to be honest with him about my past. What do you feel?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 11/01/2017 16:33

Of all the fellow working girls I know who have dealt with being outed, 100% of them have been outed by a vengeful ex.

For that reason alone, I would keep schtum.

If you were currently working that would be different of course, but as it's past it's really none of his business.

wannabestressfree · 11/01/2017 16:33

Really?
Your torn up about your past and wondering whether to tell him- a man you really like and have hesitated mentioning it too- and yet your thinking of getting back into it?

user1478860582 · 11/01/2017 16:33

Silly question. How do you feel about your past? Does it bother you or are you matter of fact about it? I think that also has a bearing about whether you tell him or not.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 16:40

I'm not torn up about my past Wannabe. And it's just been a passing thought really. Financially life was easier. I don't think that lifestyle would work in a relationship

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 16:41

Op just tell him. I can tell you really want to get it out. And I'd bet money on it he finished with you. Because the type of guy that's asks a women how many men she has slept with has a bad view on women. Jen he can tell folk ...and your sister that you was a prostitute. Which could have a detrimental impact on your kids AND if your ex finds out.

This is a guy you have just met. Why are you willing to through all this at his feet. In today's society there is still a lot of stigma attached to sex workers. This really could effect your residency of your kids.

You sound like you have low esteem and boundry issues

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/01/2017 16:48

I wouldn't dream of telling him. Not now, not ever. OK, he may turn out to be the love of your life but if you ever break up and he knows when the rest of your family don't then I can see it becoming very nasty very quickly.

Thing is, once it's told, it's no longer a secret and you have no way of knowing how he's going to react. And given that you would hate your family to know, it gives you far too much power over you.

It presents the same hazards as letting a BF take homemade porn with you as the star. You never do it, however nice they seem because one guy may not be so nice and you're going to end up starring in porn that any random bloke can download.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/01/2017 16:50

Sorry, "it gives him far too much power over you."

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 16:53

I think the risks are high. I can see that. Though I guess I took a risk when I decided on that choice of job to increase my income

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 16:56

Tell him then and come back on here and tell us what he says. I think your starting to sound a bit like an attention seeker TBH.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 17:00

I guess I've done well to get this far until someone started abusing me Potnoodle

OP posts:
ineedmorelemonpledge · 11/01/2017 17:04

I don't think you're an attention seeker op.

You're getting mixed advice and your answering honestly in a very confusing and difficult situation.

Janey50 · 11/01/2017 17:04

If a new partner asked me how many men I'd slept with/had sex with ever,or since I split with my exH,I would be a bit Hmm. It is something I have never asked any partners of mine,I really don't see that it is relevant,so I really don't expect to be asked it myself. If I WAS asked,I would question why he wanted to know. Also,I don't think your clients count as partners OP.

picklemepopcorn · 11/01/2017 17:05

Definitely not!!! You don't know him well enough, and if he can't cope with it then he is not a safe person to tell! So by definition, either he won't mind and it won't matter, or he will mind and you mustn't tell him.

Come up with some vague answers- oh, I had a right old time aft we split up. Oh, yes loads, thought I would while I could. Well quite a few, but no one important. More than I want to own up to, but that was then and this is now. All true, but not explicit.

Atenco · 11/01/2017 17:06

I don't think you should tell him now. Personally I think, if the relationship progresses and I found he was a decent person, I would tell him in a couple of years time. And by decent, I mean not one of those arseholes who use any little confidence to abuse their partner with.

As for the person who likened being an escort to going to strip clubs, that is almost like putting working in a sweat-shop to owning a sweat-shop on a par.

Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 17:11

Thank you lemonpledge x

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleNeedsMore · 11/01/2017 17:29

It's a tough one isn't it! So many different views on both sides. I'm starting to conclude I should wait and get to know him better. I think I will talk to my sister though- wish me luck! She's coming round later x

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 17:32

Yep I was right. You asked for advice, overwhelmingly said against it yet still umming and arghing over telling a new bloke of a couple of weeks something so monumental it could effect yours and your kids life.

Ah well..

Most normal women would take this to the grave, not wanting family or their kids to find out and poss be affected by it. You have known this guy for 21 days Confused

TaylorP1234 · 11/01/2017 17:35

Why you talking about stuff like that so early in the relationship?? Don't tell him wait till u get to know him better then he will judge you for who you are and not what u did!

sonjadog · 11/01/2017 17:39

How long have you known this guy and is looking like a potential serious relationship? I was assuming when I wrote my post before that you had been together for some time, but some other posts made it sound like you've just got together. If you have just got together, then I think I would wait a bit and see if you see him as long term relationship before saying anything.

If you feel like you would like to share this bit of your past with someone, then maybe your sister would be a good place to start (assuming you have a good relationship with her)? Her reaction might either make you feel more confident about telling others, or it might make you think that you'll just keep it to yourself from now on.

10Betty10 · 11/01/2017 17:40

You don't owe him the details of your past. I'd wait until you really know him well, then if you feel you would like him to know tell him. If not, you've done nothing wrong by not saying either. To be honest I get alarm bells with guys that ask the 'how many people have you slept with?' question as they tend to be the type to have hang ups/use it against you. My partner has never asked me that question, I don't think it has ever crossed his mind to ask. So it isn't an essential relationship question in my opinion Smile

ShotsFired · 11/01/2017 17:45

Michelle what actual benefit will you gain from telling him?

If the answer to that is "honesty" or something along those lines, then ask yourself if you are going to be equally honest with every single personal secret you have. Because if you aren't willing to tell him every thing about you, however deep and dark, then you are drawing a line. And if you are drawing a line, I can't honestly see what good comes of telling him this. It is of zero relevance to your relationship.

I'd be very wary if he is questioning you in the way he is so quickly. Your quote was a very odd turn of phrase, not a jokey "what's your magic number" type thing you can laugh off, but a almost formal demand to know exactly. I shagged round like billy-o my first year at uni, and I don't actually know how many people I have slept with as I simply can't remember - either drunk or mists of time. My OH has never asked me and all I have volunteered is that I was "busy" at university. Neither of us care - it has no bearing on us here and now whatsoever.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 11/01/2017 17:49

A guy you have know for 21 days that asks how many men you have slept with will not want to know you were an ex prostitute. Fact.

The fact he even asked makes him a twat

lookformeinrainbows · 11/01/2017 17:49

That the guy is even asking this question so early in the relationship is worrying. It often indicates a potentially jealous person, and for that reason it's best that you keep your past where it belongs...in the past. The only way to do that is to carry on as you have been doing, by telling no one. Once you share, with even just one other person, it has every likelihood of becoming public knowledge.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 11/01/2017 17:55

You've only been seeing him a few weeks? I dunno why you'd tell him then tbh.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/01/2017 18:05

Birdy is right, OP. You've only known this guy 3 weeks. Would you share a secret as potentially explosive with a new friend or colleague you'd known for less than a month? Course not. So what's the difference?