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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 19:18

I know his hearing is fine and that shouldn't stop him texting. I get that! I'm just going to ask him where we stand once and for all.

OP posts:
AllStar14 · 05/01/2017 19:19

I think he's made that pretty clear already

Fallonjamie · 05/01/2017 19:20

Oh OP.

ComedyBoobs · 05/01/2017 19:21

Will he hear the phone ringing?

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 19:21

Aw I don't know anymore. I've too many opinions going round.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 19:22

OP if his knows you text his mum and she's told you his replies, I very much doubt he'll answer the phone to you at all if you phoned

So how long do you give it then? If he doesn't answer the phone tonight? He knows you've been in touch with his mum and STILL hasn't text or phoned you, so he's not going to bother

Had he been drinking when he said he loved you? Christmas usually has alcohol involved, just wondering whether that had any effect on this relationship and the week over Xmas

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 19:22

He didn't hear the phone ringing when I was staying with him lol! I had to tell him

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 19:22

No he told me when he was sober

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 05/01/2017 19:22

Please find some self respect and don't telephone him or his DM. I know hope springs eternal and all that but does his DM's message not tell you anything at all? This is becoming farcical.

I know someone who was with her DP for 2 years. On their wedding day, after the ceremony he said to her thanks very much, bye. With obvious confusion she asked what he was talking about and he told her he only married her to get UK residency - she ended up in a mental hospital. So what are the chances of you knowing even 1% about this bloke - this girl would have bet her life on knowing everything about her DP.

Wise up!

SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 19:23

Jesus Christ, there's no hope now and I love how you put " lol " as it's so funny your boyfriend of one month who you spent a week over Xmas with is now ignoring you and getting his mum to do his dirty work

LOL

ComedyBoobs · 05/01/2017 19:23

No point in phoning him then.

TheGiantSausage · 05/01/2017 19:23

Oh Op, I was really hoping it'd turn out okay, you do sound quite desperate for a relationship to be honest.
Most people would freak out if somebody declared love after a month and now you're seemingly unwilling to accept that it's even a possibility that he might not be what he seems.
Don't cling on to this odd relationship, everybody deserves better than this.

RoseIsFlying · 05/01/2017 19:24

ComedyBoobs Grin

MsStricty · 05/01/2017 19:24

I think that's a good idea, OP. I know this is shit - and many of us are being a bit tough on you.

I've been there: I've 'fallen in love' in a matter of days and given myself over totally to men who simply weren't up to a relationship. Problem was, I wasn't up to a relationship either. It's an ongoing process of two-steps-forward, one-step-back.

Please, for the love of goodness, start to put yourself first. When a man loves you and means it, he'll text you - whether he's well, or somewhere else, or watching Netflix, or deaf/blind/incapacitated. It is that straightforward.

JakeBallardswife · 05/01/2017 19:25

You've messaged him a few times.
Contacted his Mum.
Given him space.
He's not contacted you.
Disappeared of social media.
Not called.

So, the onus is on him to contact you ill- or not.

Change your password.

Don't contact him again, see what happens.

If you're ill you can still message etc.

Don't overthink this, he's gone cool and is waiting for you to get the hint.

donajimena · 05/01/2017 19:27

You've done nothing wrong in getting 'carried away' but for future relationships bear in mind than when something seems too good to be true it usually is.
Fwiw my partner was quite full on quite quickly but through bitter experience I told myself that it could go tits up very quickly.
Therefore I didn't add him to my Facebook for months, any plans he waved in front of me were met with 'sounds nice lets see how this goes'
No introductions to nearest and dearest for months.
You can't help how you feel but you do have to bear in mind that seemingly nice people can be arses and its only time that shows their true colours

Pinotwoman82 · 05/01/2017 19:30

Don't know what to suggest OP, if it was me I'd move on, stop texting him etc, and let him make the first move, be a bit busy, unavailable, let him see that you do have other things going on. But it's just a shitty thing for him to do if he wants to end it FlowersWine

ellesbellesxxx · 05/01/2017 19:36

The best advice I have ever had is that it shouldn't be hard work in the beginning.
Like that episode in sex and the city where Burger says to Miranda "he's just not that into you. If a guy is into you he is coming upstairs, he is booking the next date." He also made the point that if that guy wasn't into her, he was Obviously a douche.
IME this is so true. When my now husband and I met, he would text/call when he said he would. We would always have the next date booked in. I didn't have to question myself as to what was going on.
I am not saying this to be cruel but to be kind. If he does like you he will be in touch. Not through his mother!
Step away from the computer and phone... stop texting him. If he isn't the one, yes obviously you will be sad and disappointed but the right person wouldn't want you sat at home doubting yourself and worrying.
I really hope everything works out for you.

moggiek · 05/01/2017 19:37

Please, shenry. You're not an idiot, you KNOW that he's changed his mind about you. I'm truly sorry that you're hurting, but you need to draw a line under this now.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 05/01/2017 19:39

Op please don't let this man make you look like a fool. Every poster that has given you an honest but negative point of view has been ignored but yet you cling on to the remotely positive (unlikely) ones. He doesn't care, if he did he would have contacted you. As harsh as it sounds no-one would fail to contact someone they loved for two days, under any circumstances. However I feel that whatever we say you will continue to cling to your misguided love story. Perhaps once what we are all saying has been confirmed you will look at working on why you get so attrached to men who obviously don't deserve you, I hope so.
If this was a two year, or even one year thing I'd be inclined to advise you to give him the benefit of doubt but it isn't. He has made it clear he isn't interested, making excuses for him, acting and thinking like you are in an actual relationship by saying you won't give up on him for one mistake is overdramatic. You don't have a relationship, his actions show you he doesn't really care, you're not important enough to text, so show him who's boss. Go find someone who will love you, who does want you around and stop lowering yourself to the standards of 'clingy and needy' because that's the status you're giving yourself. You don't love eachother, you hardly know eachother just let it go for your own self esteem.

tiej · 05/01/2017 19:41

He's just another twat I'm afraid OP, this sort of behaviour is just so common now. So many lovely women I know have just given up on dating totally, they prefer to be happily single than put up with this sort of shitty carry on.

Hope you're OK. Wine Flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/01/2017 19:41

If it is not a "yes", then it is a "no". Maybe is a no. I'll check my schedule is a no, until proven otherwise.

Ellisandra · 05/01/2017 19:42

He's an arse, but oh god you just made yourself the crazy lady by talking to his mum Shock

Underthemoonlight · 05/01/2017 19:46

I Agree with others he isn't being fair but you've texted rung several times and even messaged his mother you've come across rather heavy TBH. His hearing will not affect his ability to text and I think she's said that as a heads up he's not interested. Please don't try ringing him again.

Saragilk · 05/01/2017 19:47

Instinct - trust it, it's the reason you posted in the first place. It's natural to want to hope and to try and convince yourself you're wrong. It's also bloody horrible to think that someone you had started to care about could be so uncaring and thoughtless. I hope it turns out ok and your hope is justified, but if not, you will be a bit wiser and it is totally his loss not yours x