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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
boredofthisnow16 · 05/01/2017 19:51

I know it's painful but seriously delete his number, don't go on Facebook and just immerse yourself in a book a film for the evening. honestly even if he does get in touch this is a sign of what he's like, he thinks it's acceptable to leave you hanging for this long..

SaltySalt · 05/01/2017 19:51

I was ghosted years ago. He then sent his mum round to ask me back! 😮

boredofthisnow16 · 05/01/2017 19:55

When you going to try and call him?

madgingermunchkin · 05/01/2017 19:58

Oh FFS. Love, why are you giving the chance to treat you like shit? Decent, honest, worthy mean just DO NOT DO THAT.

Why are you allowing him to treat you like this? You're excusing his behaving, and giving him another chance, when you should be making it clear to him that if he things this is an acceptable way to treat someone, he can sod off and find some other poor girl to do it too.

You deserve better than this

That's why he was so nice in the beginning. So that when he behaves like this; like a dick, you excuse it with "but he's such a nice guy, he says he loves me"

You need to take a break from dating and work on your self esteem and self worth. Then you will stop falling for wast of space wankers who don't deserve your time or love.

usernoidea · 05/01/2017 20:00

Xx

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:14

I don't know to be honest. I sent him a message to tell him I needed to talk to him cos he's not answering my call. His mum was being dead on with me. I've been talking to her before so I'm not gonna come across as crazy.

OP posts:
boredofthisnow16 · 05/01/2017 20:16

Okay well you've done all you can now

Angleshades · 05/01/2017 20:17

Op I wouldn't bother ringing him tonight. Or any other night for that matter. Is it too late for you to go and visit a friend or do something else instead to stop you thinking about him?

I agree with the majority of posters that he's shown his true colours and isn't worth bothering with now.

Change Netflix password and then head out with a friend or something. Just don't call or text him again. He can't excuse his behaviour now. The writing is on the wall. He's just too cowardly to admit that he doesn't want to take it further.

WhiteStars · 05/01/2017 20:18

I feel for you OP. He must have been serious about you to spend all that time with you and introduce you to family but the main issue is you don't actually know him enough. You don't know if he's done this before/ has mental health issues: anything else going on that's nothing to do with you which explains his behaviour. I think you know this but it was all too much too soon. If you had just been dating then you would not be as upset as you've fallen for him now. All you can do is wait it out but whatever it is it's nothing to do with you. Some people have issues beyond our control.

Simplecountrygirl · 05/01/2017 20:19

OP, I do mean this kindly but it's hard to put this nicely.

You are coming across as really desperate in this post. Desperate for this all to just be a misunderstanding.

Perhaps it is, but either way, it's Friday tomorrow. You haven't heard from him since Tuesday. That's 3 days, in none of my 'relationships' have I ever gone 3 days without speaking to my 'partner' even when abroad.

Seriously, he can't even be bothered to send you a quick text after his mum has just told him to be contacted her to see how he is?! Just beyond rude. I'd be going round there at the weekend if you haven't heard from him by then to have it out with him, either that or be deleting his number and changing my relationship status to single!

There is just no excuse for it.

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:21

My head is just melted now because things were going so great!!

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 20:22

You've met him mum a few times, you can't know she's " dead on " stop fooling yourself !!!

SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 20:24

He doesn't respect you or have the decency to even reply to you when you've spoken to his mum, let alone try to contact him

I could bet my house he'll come crawling back, and no doubt you'll take him back

Don't waste your time, this is a glimpse of what's to come if you continued this relationship

Do yourself a favour and walk away, you don't deserve that

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:24

I mean she is ok with me, I spent most of xmas with her

OP posts:
WannaBe · 05/01/2017 20:25

OP what were you hoping to get from this thread? He's stopped texting you, he's not answering your calls. Even if his hearing were affected he can still see the screen on his phone, no? And he's not sure if he's coming to see you.

Get some self respect, it's over, only he's too gutless to tell you that. But actually, even if it wasn't, the amount you're calling and texting and contacting his mum etc would make most men run for the hills anyway.

I imagine he may come crawling back when he wants a shag, but stop kidding yourself that you mean anything to him because you really don't.

SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 20:25

OK well you do know his family better than us after a few weeks Hmm

I've been in similar situations as most have, we're trying to tell you how it looks but you don't want to believe it

So I'm done now

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:26

I know I'm probably going to have to accept it. It just hurts

OP posts:
boredofthisnow16 · 05/01/2017 20:29

I know it hurts, I've been in situations like this where I get caught up in What seems like a perfect magical whirlwind romance but it turns out to be something different

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:30

Well time will tell if he comes back. I'm gutted to be honest

OP posts:
Angleshades · 05/01/2017 20:31

Op I'm really sorry you're going through this, the rslisation really is horrible no matter what length of time you've been with him for. I totally get that you wanted this to be real and happy ever after. And it probably was going really well over Christmas. But it does seem he's had a change of heart for whatever reason.

Please don't text his mum again. It really doesn't have anything to do with her and she shouldn't be sorting his problems out for him. Of course she's going to be nice to you as she probably feels really caught in the middle.

I don't think you can make any more excuses for his behaviour. Put yourself in his shoes. If you had a bad back and was 'out of it' on painkillers, wouldn't you text him as soon as you were back with it? If you'd seen messages from him asking you to get in touch would you respond or ignore? And if he'd texted your mum worrying about you would you just leave it to her to put him in the picture? All the while watching Netflix at his expense?

tiktok · 05/01/2017 20:33

He sounds like a pathetic wanker and you are well out of it before you have wasted too much time and energy on him.

Don't phone him or contact him.

But change your Netflix password ffs!

Underthemoonlight · 05/01/2017 20:36

Please don't contact him anymore he's actions or lack of them have make it clear it just comes across abit clingy and needy op. His mother isn't going to be mean it's not her place really to get involved I'm sure she feels awkward about it all.

MsStricty · 05/01/2017 20:38

Bless you, OP.

Really, my rule of thumb is that anyone who rushes into a relationship headlong, complete with family introductions, relationship status updates, and significant big days together (like Christmas) - all in the space of a month - is really dealing with the flip-side of avoidance. They're both the same, just acted out differently.

No-one's the bad guy in this (and I'm sure quite a few will disagree with me here - so be it), but you have both made choices based on how you've experienced relationships in the past.

I hope you come to see that what he's doing may hurt, but it has nothing to do with you.

Flowers
WannaBe · 05/01/2017 20:40

Of course you are, nobody wants to be dumped like that, and TBH it's something which would put me off dating ever again if I had to go down that route since it seems to be so common. But the more you dwell on this the harder you're making it for yourself. No contact is the way to go now. Block his number, stop waiting around for his non-existent calls and texts, and as time goes on you will stop feeling sad and instead start feeling Angry at the fact he's such a cowardly arsehole.

Oh, and change the relationship status on FB. That will send a clear message. Then block him on there and move on.

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:44

I know you's are all probably right but that doesn't make me feel any better at all

OP posts: