Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

Freedom2017 awkward

What did you do?

The big deal is that repeatedly she has said she is dreading it.

Now if you're dreading it - wouldn't the normal thing be to either
A) Send someone else
B) If you need to drive them, then wait in the car and let friend/family member collect
C) Ask the Mum/him to post it back

There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with wanting the clothes back, I think most people would. However if she's dreading it why not help herself? I agree with a PP who said it was to see the old house again and wish she could turn the clock back. Pretty soon that is going to come crashing down and the OP is going to be even more hurt.

Can I just suggest something. I don't think you should avoid future relationships for this reason alone, but maybe think about the role uou played in this. I don't mean this harshly but everything teaches us something, right?

Your posts say basically it was all him, you just went along with it, but in the other hand, you say you were invited for Boxing Day dinner but then stayed a whole week, by the end of which, he was distant and it was over.

I get that uou asked if uou should have left and he said no. But I also get he avoids confrontation, he's now probably pretending like chandler out of friends he's moving away. Staying a week is an awfully long time and very full on with someone you'd known less than a month and when uou were only invited for dinner.

In addition you use phrases like "landed on my feet this time" " got a good one".which indicates possibly your underlying need for a stable relationship. There is nothing wrong with that need, unless it becomes an overriding desire , over riding the need to find out about someone and develop a relationship in a normal way.

Maybe it's worth trying to work out how to maintain a sense of self when you meet someone new, as yes this guy is very likely just a dick, but the possibility is there in that it wasn't all him and it just became too much for him, that you too played a part. 💐

I'd get the stuff, or send a friend, and don't stay, don't linger, just get it and go.

It is the fact she said she's dreading it, when she doesn't need to dread it, I'm not saying she shouldn't have her clothes, there's just alternative ways of her getting them with her not having to turn up at the house.

She doesn't have to cause herself more hurt, an that's only what I've been trying to say.

I do agree it's more about going to the house one last time.

The last thing OP needs on top is to walk away from that house thinking " how could they even let me leave ?! "

OP is emotional enough as it is, she doesn't need to add more to it

I should have left it on his doorstep which I nearly did but he lived with his parents (age 53, yes I know) and I didn't want them to spot me.

I don't tend to offer advice on here. I'm only 19 and have my own mess of a relationship, so never feel like I've got much to offer!
That said I read your post initially and have just read it through. You sound much younger than 26 shenry25 the whole meeting him and falling in love within a month, seems very high school! I don't mean this in a unkind way at all, but have you had a longterm (over a year at least) relationship at all? You seem very keen to fall in love and I've seen a few friends of mine making this mistake so many times, they are far more in love with the idea of falling in love than love itself! They attract the same kind of man time after time and still don't see the warning signs!
Personally I'd go collect my stuff, no man would keep me from my clothes! Be dignified hand his things over and ask for yours, I'd be polite but not engage in a conversation with his mum, if she tries say your in a rush can you just get your things. Check it's all there and then go and don't think about him again!!
I do think some work on your self esteem and expectations of a healthy relationship is in order though. Otherwise I fear you'll make the same mistake again!

Oh freedom. Yikes.

I think Bluntness is spot on and has been sensitive and measured.
There are always two sides to the story and we don't know how this guy felt at all. He may have a very different version of events.
Your last thread was identical and you said you had learned from the experience. Yet here you are again. Something is off.

user146, you have a wise head on those young shoulders.

OP This actually is the happy ending to this chapter of your life, you just don't realise it yet. His feelings never actually were real and now you know.
The sad ending would be him continuing to string you along without showing you the respect you deserve and you wasting a chunk of your life emotionally invested in someone who cannot invest in you equally.
He just is who he is.
You cannot have done anything wrong or changed your behavior in any way for a different outcome. You took him at face value and he deceived you. You were taken in because he wanted you to be. But he already was who he is before he met you and will continue to be who he is after.
That mills&boon notion about a meeting the right woman worth changing for is as pretty and as realistic a notion as unicorns.
The truth is the change has to come from within themselves. Takes time, maturity and experience which simply cannot be fast tracked.
He may well, one day in the future, look back and realise how much of a twatmonkey he was in the past, but until then he's stuck with who he truly deserves, himself.
Meantime you will have rightfully consigned him to the past as an unpleasant, but necessary lesson learned and can spend your future invested in the most deserving person in your life. That's you op.

user146 nail on the head.

Sadly some of us do fall in love quickly, it is dangerous and it's something I have done several times and it often ends badly , after my last relationship I am trying my hardest not to let it happen again as last time almost killed me emotionally. I hope OP learns from this and stops herself jumping in to fast next time ( it is hard ).

The fact your stuff is at his is just prolonging the 'getting over him' process. Pick your stuff up and see it as the end and a beginning of a new chapter xx

Right so it's clear OP is going, all I'll say OP, is to prepare yourself and I mean in the way of, when you knock on have a big smile on your face, be friendly ( not that I don't think you would be) thank her for your things and leave.

Think of how this may play out, if his mum's invites you in for a coffee, what are you going to say/do?

Don't get sacked into the past, you want to go for one reason and one reason only, to collect your things. You stay strong, and it'll be best to be back in the car asap, drive off and don't look back

Don't let her see how upset you are, try not to have any conversation about this, and if she does say anything say something like " oh it's just one of those things...." y'know what I mean? So you're not really giving off any upset or hurt or anger.

Best thing you can do is come across happy and smiley and not too bothered in this situation

If you need to burst into tears you can do when you get back in your car! :)

Chin up! It'll be over with soon and you never have to see them again and can get to focusing on your new job and bettering yourself for YOU!

Whatever you do don't go in for coffee, get your stuff, hold your head high and leave.

Be prepared for feeling a bit shit for the rest of the day (it's ok), you will get over him in no time at all even though it doesn't feel that way. A week ago I was a mess, I packed up my ex's things and someone collected them, it all felt final, I cried a little but each day since has been easier and I hardly think about him. Things will get better and in a few weeks you will wonder why you wasted your feelings on him.

The only reason I had stayed the week was because his mum was away and she said to invite me to keep him company while he was house sitting. It's not like I refused to move or anything.
I'm not going to get my things today because the roads are awful and it's not worth the risk to be honest. I will be taking my sister up with me when the weather improves. I'll send him a message telling him I won't be down due to the weather and leave it at that. I know it's going to hurt seeing the house and things again. Hell even the journey up is going to suck but I want my stuff back. You's are all saying I should've noticed the red flags which is fair enough but loads of people have done the same and been fine. My sister and her boyfriend were living together after two weeks and nearly three years on are still going strong! So what works for some and all that!

Why are you no just telling him to post them?

Come on love, why on earth are you driving an hour away and making your sister go too, for what? A pair of jeans and some nice knickers?!!

Clearly you are dead-set on going yourself to get your stuff so I won't even mention that.
What I will say is that, yes, sometimes moving fast works, but generally it really doesn't. Also, after 48 hours, you didn't even know each other!! 48 hours after meeting my DP I don't think I even knew his surname. I knew he seemed lovely and I knew I Wanted to see him again but little more.
FWIW I moved in with my ex after two months. We were in love. He was perfect. Everything was great. Except I didn't know him. I didn't know he had a temper on him which would turn violent, especially when he was drinking. That came out at 6 months in. Had I not rushed like an idiot, I wouldn't have stayed but at that point, it then became, 'oh but we live together, I want to make it work'. Took me nearly three years to leave him. Sometimes, people just 'know' but sometimes, they truly owe it to themselves to give it more time.
You'll barely remember the hurt you feel now in a year's time. He's a shit.

Well I've decided not to go on my own. My sister is coming with me. I know I didn't really know him but I was really looking forward to getting to know him better. He had other ideas or got cold feet. I don't know but it's done now. Nothing l can do but move on.

Saying your sister did it and it worked, makes me think that's what your hoping for. A whirlwind romance that all works out perfectly! The problem is you're seeing that, when it's not there and even more unfortunately certain men seem to be able to zone in on women who are desperately looking for love, they say the right words and smack bang! They get what they want! Until they don't want it anymore.
I can completely understand you being pissed with him and even feeling a bit used. I can't understand being upset and disappointed over someone you've only known a month though.
Do you have things of his? If so tell him to post your belongings back and you'll do the same with his!! Then delete his number and block him on Facebook!!

Or instead of wasting your time texting him (when he's not even going to be home) how about a quick message to his Mum on favebook.

'I'm really sorry I can't get up today due to the roads, if I send you via PayPal or post the cash for packaging and the postage please could you post my clothes back to me' Even send it to him if it makes you feel better.

And if you don't I'm firmly in the camp of that you want attention by going there. You want to see the house one more time. You want the memories to come flooding back. You want to be caught up again in these six weeks. You want to recreate it. C You want to see the Mum and try to provoke some sort of reaction in them, you want contact by proxy. You want this car crash to keep going. Dude you really have to want to move on and I think everyone can still see you'd have him back like a shot. No self respect at all and I'm starting to believe you're loving the drama of it all.

But WHY are you going, with or without your sister?
WHY?
It's not like it's down the road.
You said he's an hour away.
2 people, 2 hours, why would you do that?

Just forget about the clothes or if they're that precious, get his mum to post the damn things.

WHY?

Glad you've decided to take your sister when you do go but PLEASE don't text him saying you're not going

It's his mum who's going to pass you your things so contact her

I'm not being horrid but you are talking about it being 'so hard seeing the house' or 'so hard making that journey'

You were together a month.

Some people on this site have to move out of a house they have shared with a partner for ten years with children . You need to be more mature about the situation.

I know the roads are really bad today but if I'm honest, I knew you wouldn't go today.

Aslong as you know 100% he doesn't want to see you

I'm worried you'll end up breaking down on the door step. I'm sorry but as you can see none of us are getting why you insist you have to drive there to collect these things?

Either way it's involving his mum, I'm sure for an easy life posting would be better

Atleast you'll have someone with you, but you really are torturing yourself

It may have worked for your sister, it also worked for me and 6 years later ending up being on and off I have my son, so I don't regret that, but 9/10 these situations don't usually work out, as you've found

Count your lucky stars it was after 6 weeks, I had a 2 and a half year relationship where we were planning on going on holiday and we was in the process of getting me a key cut for his apartment, absolutely in love, been through a hell of a rough year the 2 of us and 2 weeks after my grandad dying I was ghosted....and I'll never understand what happened. We practically did live together, I think everyone was more shocked than me...I did pretty much what you've been doing but if someone's made their mind up, they've made it up

I can't even be arsed going into the other situation but luckily this was years before my beautiful boy is here.

Funnily enough, me and the ex who ghosted me are friends now and he's with someone and has bought a house and I'm made up for him because I learned to leave things and move on. We'd also been in a near year relationship a year before we got into our relationship where I was ghosted ( if you've got your head around what I've just written haha)

It nearly destroyed me, so YES I do know what it's like, I wish I'd have know within 6 weeks than in total spending 3 and a half years pretty much getting ready to move in and I left a lot of stuff at his I decided it was best to go without

Do not cause more hurt and upset for yourself, thank God you saw what he's like so soon in

DO NOT TEXT HIM AGAIN. Please don't use the fact that you're not going to today for the clothes (because of weather), as an excuse to contact him again and thereby open the door to communication.

You do not need to text him. You can, if you insist on getting the damn clothes, message his mother via FB to rearrange collection of the clothes.

Do you really think he's even bothered about these clothes? He doesn't care and it's probably a hassle, and then you're contacting him about arrangements, and then not being able to come, and then no doubt you'll have to text him again to rearrange, and then he'll confirm and so on and so on.

Stop making contact with him. He does not want to hear from you. He does not care. For your own self respect and sense of self...STOP!