Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

shenry25 - I only read your posts so this has probably been said already... but I did a bit of research on the ghosting thing...

The pattern of ghosting seems to be coming on overly overly strong, being overly flattering, talking above love (love bombing was a word I heard) and basically being the one pushing everything. In your mind you maybe did think "this is too fast" but their confidence in the relationship makes you believe it's real.

Then they withdraw it - leaving a massive hole.

It's pure control, and your story falls perfectly into that pattern. You have had a lucky escape, there's something wrong with him....

I know it's hard, but be happy. He isn't the person he pretended to be, you don't actually know the real him, only what he pretended to be for the game above.

Or I could be talking shite. It's hard to know sometimes.

Again, I wish you all the best.

**I meant to say, talking about love far too soon.

SmellySphnix thanks for hoping it would have a happy ending. I was hoping for the same to be honest but unfortunately that wasn't the case. I'm trying not to overthink and question everything. It's just really hard not to. I keep thinking if I had slowed things down would that have made a difference? It if I hadn't let him stay in mine so long would he have been more keen to hang around? How can someone who says they are so happy with you just be put off so quickly? I don't know whether Edinburgh is the truth or not. It's gutting to think he started up with me potentially knowing that he would be moving away.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head there pearses 😢 Ghosting is such a shitty way to behave! I would never ever do anything like that to anyone

The options are....he also got caught up in the moment, but just came to his senses quicker, he's a complete tosser, got scared off, thought what he was saying/feeling was real then realised he wasn't ready, whatever it was he's told you now how it is, I really don't think that after such a short time he owes you anymore than the explanation he has provided. True or not perhaps your constant texting etc has made him think 'fuck that I'm staying well our of it' i'm beginning to not blame him if that's the case.
I don't mean to be rude and I'm not excusing his initial behaviour butsome posters are making assumptions about the stability of his and his family's mh when actually I'm starting to feel like it maybe the op who needs help

Look he was a twat, be didn't deal with it correctly, he hasn't involved his mum (hiding behind her) the op has, it's actually starting to sound a little like an obsessive stalker story.
It was six bloody weeks, I understand you're upset but fgs it wasn't years, get some perspective, you shout desperate and needy and that is not going to help you attract a healthy kind of relationship. (not that this was one)

I have just googled "love bombing" and holy god!! I didn't know that even existed.

I haven't excessively text him or anything like that. There's been a few and I told him last night that I was sorry for the way I reacted, it was just cos I was taken back by the sudden change and I just wanted to get my clothes.

You're desperately trying to keep contact open

• You've told us that you're dreading going to get the clothes, yet you refuse to ask them to post it back or send a friend/relative

-You're texting a couple of days after he's explicitly said he doesn't want to be with you to apologise for YOUR reaction. That's so weak. What about what HE has done to YOU? Yet you still want to keep talking to him. -Every poster who says they feel for you, you're taking the time to individually respond to them and go in more and more depth analysing the relationship. You can't seem to let go.

Everyone understands it hurts but your behaviour is sounding actually crazy now. What's going to happen after tomorrow once you've collected your stuff? Are you going to delete him and his Mum from Facebook and accept its over? Are you going to text him thanking him for allowing you to collect your clothes? Where does this actually end.

I think you shouldn't have dismissed the PP who suggested therapy so quickly.

Anyone would be feeling pretty confused and raw over the treatment you've had.

But despite lots of people here telling you how his behaviour isn't that unusual and is clearly not your fault - people have shared having the same - you're still texting him.

Be honest with yourself.
Your apology to him last night (I mean - WTAF? You apologised?!) was just an attempt to engage with him, and probably to look all "cool girl", you apologising, so he wants to give it another go.

It's that decision to apologise to someone who treated you like shit, that means talking to someone professionally isn't something to just dismiss.

I will get over it. I just need time that's all!

OP - you seem to me to only want to hear what you want. If a poster expresses sympathy or says something along the lines of, 'he's such a shit, what a bastard, it was him not you', you engage and re-tell the story. But you readily seem not to notice or dismiss PP who suggest that perhaps you need counselling, or challenge your obsession with getting these clothes back, or who don't confirm your view of yourself as the victim in the scenario. Whilst you are not responsible for his actions, you are responsible for yours. And you are accountable. I think you only want to hear, what you want to hear which is sympathy. And many posters expressed sympathy and compassion for your position at the beginning of this thread. I think you are not hearing what many PP are saying. Maybe on some level you enjoy the drama of it.

Take all the time you need to get over it. Just. Stop. Texting. Him.

You're not doing yourself any favours. Going over and over it again and again isn't doing you any favours.

We've all told you; it's not you, he's just one of those cocks who does stuff like this.

I'm normally one who things that too many people "go to therapy" but I agree that it would be very good for you.

I used to be like you, and now I look back at how I behaved and cringe. Just like I did when I read the text you sent him yesterday. All it made me think was "where is your self respect? Why do you continue to torture yourself like this?"

Plus, going back round to his house to get these clothes, possibly re-engaging with his mum, probably ending up chatting about it all with her is inappropriate. For the length of time this 'relationship' lasted, it seems strange. Why would you do that? Why do you want to see his mum again? Because that's what it's about. It's like trying to have contact by proxy, otherwise, you'd forget the clothes, get someone else to fetch them for you, get them posted, ask for them to be left outside.

I don't mean to keep telling the story or anything to other posters or anything and I am certainly not enjoying the drama! I do not plan on talking to his mum about it. I'd say she already knows the story, she doesn't need to hear it from me.

So why do you want to go for the clothes and not send your friend/relative in for them and not have them posted?

This is the one question I've asked so many times and never had an answer to.

And don't say that it's because you don't want to involve them, they already know everything!!

But even putting yourself in that position where you're going round to his house to get your clothes, after everything that's happened and how's he's treated you, is IMO humiliating in itself.

The problem is that you're validating his shitty behaviour at the moment.

He went from being the dick that really liked this girl, introduced her to his family, really thought there was a possibility of something until he got this weird feeling about her.

And then she wouldn't. Leave. Him. Alone. Kept texting and calling even when he was sick. He broke things off with her (he'll forget the long gap in talking to you) and she kept coming back and messaging. She wanted to drive for an hour to pick up some clothes she'd left. In a blizzard. She kept messaging his mum.

You're becoming the story he'll tell down the pub, or to future girlfriends, about how he had a lucky escape, and his validation to himself that his ghosting behaviour was just him being wise and picking up on signals about how crazy you'd get.

Someone posted a link to a YouTube video early in this thread, I think, and it's funny to listen to, but deeply sad. You're becoming that sad case if you keep contacting him.

Just stop it. No more. You're actually encouraging his shitty behaviour.

Leave it. Leave the clothes. Shut him out, delete, block, eat ice cream, cry and move on and find someone better

Him and his Mum must surely know there's an underlying reason why it's YOU that's coming to the house.

There's no reason for you to go whatsoever. The only reason in your mind is talking to his Mum/thinking you'll get to talk to him and like the PP said, contact by proxy. Keeping this thing alive in your head so you can come back here tomorrow night and tell us you've text him again cos his Mum said something.

Isn't there something called mirroring too? Where they pick up on your interests and what you like and feed it back to you?

So sorry this has happened to you, OP. Could you take the Freedom programme online? To help you pick up on red flags in relationships. I would really hate to think of this bastard putting you off for good.

I didn't keep texting him when he was sick. I left him alone for a few days and when I got no reply THEN I asked him what was up.

He started the whole talking about the future within 48 hours. I was just enjoying the date at the time

I know, Shenry. You didn't do anything wrong. He acted like a dick - the love bombing, all of that.

He was a fool, but in his own head he's trying to justify why he did it. And at the moment, with your refusal to let go, hold your head high, you're making it easier for him to do that.

You're still avoiding certain questions that have been asked so many times

There is absolutely NO reason why you need to go and collect your clothes.

Why are you not getting a friend to go with you or your sister to pick them up and you wait in the car? Or get the posted and pay for the postage.

If you say you don't want to involve his mum, you are doing just that! By knocking on her door and asking for them, so why not just ask them to post?

I don't understand why you have taken offence when I and a few other posters have agreed counselling will be of some benefit, this is pretty much the second time this has happened and in the space of a few months in between.

There's nothing wrong with speaking to someone, if it helps you learn how to deal with things like this...if you go tomorrow it's going to be worse off for you and tbh I think you'll be putting his mum in a very uncomfortable position, not matter how much she "likes you"

I just can't get my head around you going round there

Is it that you actually hope his mum brings it up so that way you also feel something in the form of her sympathy or something? How you think he'll have made an even bigger mistake if his mum is disappointed and feels sorry for you?

Because I'll tell you now, if she sympathises with you, that's going to fuck with your head even more.

There's more to you wanting to personally go round when you know he isn't going to be there

This absolutely sums tomorrow up for OP

Expectations

• She goes and sees his Mum. Gets a huge hug and apologies about how awful her son was. She's invited in the house where he's sat there with tears in his eyes full of apologies about letting her go. They disappear off to his bedroom to 'listen to music' and live happily ever after.

Reality
-You get there really pissed off that it's been snowing the entire time and the tread on your tyres isn't great. Shivering cold you walk up to the door, lump in your throats wondering why you're even doing this. His Mum answers and sees the tears in your eyes and gives you a sympathetic look, hands over your belongings and you slip on the dusting of snow walking back to your car. Jump in and the tears begin. You take his mothers kindness as wanting you in the family and come back here tomorrow night with 'Well she was lovely to me, and she didn't delete me from Facebook so it's all going to be fine'. But you know deep down it won't be.

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