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Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 15:15

Well right up until the Tuesday when he text me he loves me, things were going great! So it hit me like lead ball

OP posts:
LatteTime · 09/01/2017 15:16

Did his mum contact you after it ended?

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 15:30

Yeah she said she was so sorry and knew nothing about it at all and told me just to message her about getting my stuff

OP posts:
LatteTime · 09/01/2017 16:21

He's such a coward, he can't even hand over your things like an adult.

I hope you feel better soon. X

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 16:26

Thankyou LatteTime!! I don't know how it will go when I go up. To be honest I am absolutely dreading it but the sooner it is over and done with the better

OP posts:
HoursOfFun · 09/01/2017 16:44

Something like this happened to me a few years ago - it's horrible and I empathise OP

The worst thing about it is the way it makes you doubt your judgement and sense of reality. It is the worst kind of gas lighting

People that do this have real issues though - in my case he surfaced about 6months later begging forgiveness

By then I really didn't care. But the first 6-8 weeks after the actual ghosting were awful. It felt like physical pain and I would wake up in the night crying desperately trying to make sense of it all.

In my case he'd declared undying love, relationship had been 18minths, he'd begged and begged me to get a flat with him. I'd been wary but then he talked me round. The night I was supposed to meet him to get key to flat he just didn't turn up. Sent me a weird text saying he was caught in a meeting then turned his phone off, blocked me from all aspects of his life and disappeared off the face of the earth. I really thought I was going mad. I went and had loads of counselling and found out through that it wasn't me that was mad but him. Counsellor said it was clear relationship had been EA and that his future fakery etc were all part of it.

Anyway by the time he resurfaced I was absolutely a changed person and I knew I wouldn't let it happen again. Not must you OP. At least you didn't get as sucked in as me and though it really hurts now, it will get easier, I promise. There's nothing wrong with being a trusting person but it's important to recognise red flags and manipulate behaviour - that's what I learnt the hard way. X

donajimena · 09/01/2017 16:48

You didn't do anything wrong. All of us who were 'right' are probably the voice of bitter experience.
As I said up thread with my partner (of two years) we saw each other as often as we could and maybe people thought we should slow down. But if we were free and wanted to see each other why would I say no?
The difference is having seen and been in relationships that went tits up at the change of the wind its always at the back of your mind that it may not pan out or you may be ghosted completely. But you are equipped to deal with things much better.

RortyCrankle · 09/01/2017 17:01

I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you shenry and you must be very upset.

I hope you feel better soon and wish you all the very best for the future Flowers

frieda909 · 09/01/2017 17:14

I'm sorry Shenry, but glad you got a (sort of) straight answer at last.

I'm actually pleased you messaged him, even if you were far more polite than you needed to be! You spelled out for him how crappy this situation was for you, and reminded him that people don't just go away and stop hurting because you ignore them. I think people behave like this because they're scared to be the bad guy, but I find it so cowardly.

I agree with other posters who've said not to beat yourself up too much. Every relationship moves at a different pace, and as long as both parties are happy with it then there's nothing wrong with that. There's no set list of relationship milestones for when it's ok to say I Love You, meet the family and so on. Clearly it wasn't right this time but you can learn from this and go into future situations feeling hopeful but with just a teeny drop of healthy cynicism.

All the best to you!

PollytheDolly · 09/01/2017 18:17

Well right up until the Tuesday when he text me he loves me, things were going great! So it hit me like lead ball

He's a Cock Twat Flange Arsewipe Numptynuts Prick with shrivelled up ball bags for a brain.

There....Grin

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 21:01

PollytheDolly that actually made me laugh!!

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 10/01/2017 08:25

PollytheDolly " numptynuts" - numpty is one of my favourite words and now it's even better Grin

OP Flowers I'm sorry this has happened, it shocked me that you actually got a reply back from him, so atleast you have some sort of answer, although it doesn't take any hurt or upset away from you, just shows you what a selfish, ignorant, using twat he is !

I won't go into what I think about his excuse because you're better than that

Hope you're feeling a little better sweet, I know it's not been easy on you this last week BUT now you know exactly where you stand and can now move forward Smile

And you WILL!!

I now always try ( in some mad confusing way ha) to turn things like this into a positive and I learn from it, I don't make half the mistakes I used to, you'll move on and learn from it!

Remember this though- if a man cares, respects and loves you, he will wait and not rush you! You don't ever need to let a man quickly suck you in like that

But you know don't you Smile well done sweet, you've took a lot of stick and it's not the outcome you were hoping but you can hold your head up and say " his loss " xx

PollytheDolly · 10/01/2017 09:01

Shenry.

Glad you're smiling. Keep similimg Wink

Original poster
shenry25 · 10/01/2017 09:52

I was a bit freaked out about how fast things were going but I just went with it because I was happy! I'm going to go and get my things on Thursday which I am dreading! There's still a small part of me that hopes he'll change his mind when he sees and start making some sort of an effort again but I know it's unlikely and I just have to accept it and get my stuff.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/01/2017 09:59

Oh god, don't be hoping he will change his mind, why would you want him? It's over sweetie, send your sister to get your stuff, he's a total immature lying git.

He's lying about Edinburgh and he's blocked uou on face book so you can't see it, nasty piece of work. I'd send my sister to get my stuff and drop his off, I wouldn't want to go round there, too embarrassing with his mum.

Original poster
shenry25 · 10/01/2017 10:15

I know Bluntness, it's silly and I shouldn't be thinking like that! 😢 His mum said it was no problem to go round and get the stuff so I'll just be an adult and go get it and it's over and done with.

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 10/01/2017 10:16

Do you know what's weird? He still has my sister on Facebook and hasn't restricted her from seeing anything!

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/01/2017 10:18

Op , please send someone else To get your stuff .

If this bloke fancies a shag , you will not have enough will power or self
Respect to say no and you'll be back where you started .

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 10/01/2017 10:19

Are you taking any of his stuff back? If you have his toothbrush be sure to wee all over it first

Original poster
shenry25 · 10/01/2017 10:29

Lol! He did leave his toothbrush amongst other stuff here which I will be returning as well!
His mum will be there so if nothing else, that will prevent a shag from happening

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 10/01/2017 10:32

Make sure you give your toilet a good clean with the toothbrush first shenry Wink

Original poster
shenry25 · 10/01/2017 10:38

That has been suggested to me by a few friends lol!

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 10/01/2017 11:11

hiding prawns in the hem line of his trousers?

Cguk81 · 10/01/2017 11:32

I would act like it's no skin off my nose when collecting your stuff...along the lines of "hi, good to see you. Thanks so much for letting me dodge a bullet before I wasted any more time. Phew, that was a close one. All the best for the future, have a good one. Later loser".
He was a shit to you...you deserve and will find better.

BoxingHelena · 10/01/2017 12:26

TheGiantSausage, you are right! I don't want to question him and come across as clingy as hell so I'm just leaving it. Especially if he genuinely isn't feeling well then 20 questions is going to really annoy him.

Feeling sorry for him OP? Confused