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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 11:16

I didn't actually know because I've had a man do this before and it turned out he was going through a lot of problems and it wasn't me. It doesn't really matter whether Edinburgh is true or not, we are over. It hurts big time but I'll just get over it eventually. As for chasing him around like a little puppy. It was the same on both sides until he got cold feet or "put off"

OP posts:
WynterBlossom · 09/01/2017 11:20

*You already knew - and actually you don't know much more now because he probably isn't moving to Edinburgh

Don't make this mistake again in future. Keep your dignity and your head high, and don't chase around men like a little puppy*

We all get our closure from somewhere, regardless of time she spent with him, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

She is still the same person she was when she met him albeit, hurt from the experience.

I don't think it's fair to say she chased him like a puppy!

To be honest, the way she was with him was actually quite dignified.

I however messaged my ex, then turned up at his house & message family members of his....op sent him 1 text which didn't get a reply and then left it quite a few days...she has more patience than I do! In no way would I say she chased like a puppy.

No One really learns from their experiences let's be fair.....how can you really stop yourself from getting hurt in your next relationship??

A PP stated their ex walked without a word after 7 years, is she not allowed to know why??

Unfortunately this is life, let's be fair.

If people invest their feelings and time, they will almost certainly end up hurt, however the person who does the ghosting, doesn't feel the same so they actually don't realise the hurt and upset they have caused and can't quite understand why that person is acting in that way.

Experiences like these simply leave people cynical....I for one have absolutely no trust in men at all, if I ever do, it'll take a long long time!

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 11:50

WynterBlossom, thankyou so much! I know I moved so fast but it wouldn't have hurt him to even tell me we need to slow down. I wouldn't have had a problem with that. Seems it was just an excuse and he wanted to have a GF for xmas. I'll learn.

OP posts:
usernoidea · 09/01/2017 12:03

I promise you shenry that one day you'll hurt less and look back on this and realise a) what a fucking tool he is and b) that you had a bloody lucky escape
Treat yourself at the moment, keep busy and every time you feel shit think about the coward that he is.......
Lots of love x chin up

WynterBlossom · 09/01/2017 13:07

Shenry, I met my ex in the April....fell pregnant in July....we were planning to buy a house to move into by April the year later, if all else fails we were going to rent by xmas last year.

In 8 months, I'd met his family (all of his family).

Lived with him for 2 weeks when I found out I was pregnant

Told each other we loved each other

Talked about marriage & kids

Agreed we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

DO NOT feel bad about him saying it moved too fast, things move at the rate it will when feelings are involved...don't change anything

ThinkPinkStink · 09/01/2017 13:11

Let me make this abundantly clear:

It's not you.

It REALLY IS him!

tiej · 09/01/2017 13:18

You have been very gracious on your thread shenry, don't change too much, just add a little bit of cynicism to your obviously kind nature to stop you getting so badly hurt in the future. Flowers

Canwekickit234 · 09/01/2017 13:24

Shenry- same thing just happened to me.
Seeing each other since beginning of October then a week before Christmas disappeared.
Waited 2 weeks and asked what happened..
He said he has problems and it wasn't me ..bull
Totally had me head over heels
Gutted

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 13:33

It's a shit feeling when someone reels you in like that and then just changes their mind almost overnight. I am absolutely gutted as I thought he was genuine

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 13:41

Canwekickit234 Would it have been better to hear that it absolutely was you and he'd just gone off you?

It's a genuine question. There's been a lot about ghosting on this board recently. If he'd been honest and told you say the next day after a date ended that he wasn't interested in you further would it had been better or worse than he saying it wasn't you after him disappearing for two weeks?

I think the majority of men and women 'ghost' because they don't want to deal with the hurt of another person by rejecting them after initially being quite into them , but of course they ended up hurting them either way.

Canwekickit234 · 09/01/2017 13:49

I don't know what would have been better if I'm honest.
He did the whole chat about us now being boyfriend and girlfriend etc.
Spoke daily,he called me daily etc.
Basically like this for over 3 months then boom gone.
Straight after i said I wanted to see more of him he bailed.
I blamed myself maybe he didn't want the pressure ..who knows
He left mine after spending the night and continued to text and act normal till I brought up the seeing each other more question then he backed off ..

maggiethemagpie · 09/01/2017 13:58

I wouldnt' believe the edinburgh thing ,it's an excuse.

One of my best friends met a girl two months before a planned move from a northern city to the south coast. It didn't stop them - he stayed there a year, they did the long distance thing and then he moved back north to be with her and this was ten years ago and they're now married with kids.

I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of your ex's mouth tbh but luckily you don't have to anymore as he's history.

Flowers for you Shen, you deserve better. But YOU have to know that and as others have said not get sucked in too soon next time.

maggiethemagpie · 09/01/2017 14:01

I've been ghosted and it's absolutely worse to be left waiting and wondering for a week than just being told outright that it's over. I think they do it in the hopes that you'll dump them to avoid them doing the dirty work.

Having said that I am the world's least patient person.

It's like ripping a plaster off - slow or fast - I would always choose fast.

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 14:02

I'm definitely going to keep my guard up in future because this hurt is not worth it. If he loved me and was planning on moving away, it wouldn't have mattered. We could still have made it work. Just an excuse. Just a question (not meaning to sound naive) but was he put off by me or the relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 14:03

Thanks everyone for not saying I told you so! Really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Canwekickit234 · 09/01/2017 14:08

Shenry- it wasn't you,you did nothing.
He is a user and you wouldn't want a man like that who just leaves you like that.
That's what I'm telling myself.
It was only 15 weeks we were together but it still hurt like hell when he stopped contacting me.
How long were you together? (Haven't read every post sorry )

Canwekickit234 · 09/01/2017 14:09

It's been 3 weeks now and he is on my Facebook still like nothing happened ..he started writing me a message but never sent it.
He might have issues like he says or just an Arse
Who knows..we will get over these "men"

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 14:15

Shenry it's really really hard to accept but it's probably neither you nor him, he just wasn't feeling it anymore for whatever reason. That's the thing about sudden infatuation it's powerful, it grabs you, it makes you take leave of your senses, but it can be gone just as quickly as it can come on. Sometimes it develops into something deeper, but most of the time it won't. That's the reality. Most of the time, it's fleeting. You are an absolute individual in all your glory as is everyone else and a perfect fit is a rare but amazing thing. This wasn't it, for him and for you, you'll see that in time.

Please don't put your guard up. You don't need a guard, you just need a level head and a mature and rational outlook and there's nothing jaded about that approach, it's a beautiful thing to take your own happiness in your own hands and share it equally with the right man who is on the same page, at the right time, whenever that might be.

All that glitters isn't gold, remember that. But also remember sometimes it is. So don't give up hope, just proceed gently.

LatteTime · 09/01/2017 14:25

He was put off by his own inabilities to act like a decent self respecting adult, if he doesn't respect himself and tells continuous lies he can never respect you or a relationship. He's a lost cause.

I hope you're doing some nice this evening to take your mind off it!

Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 14:27

We were together 6 weeks and they were the best. I think I ran in so fast because my ex didn't do anything with me, we went nowhere etc but this treated me like an absolute princess from the get go and I just got swept away by it all. I'm going to get the stuff from his house at some point this week. My sister is going with me which will help. I will give him his stuff back and then that's it. It will be hard but I will learn.

OP posts:
Original poster
shenry25 · 09/01/2017 14:28

This ghosting nonsense is just that!! As an adult you should be able to address any issues, not run away and leave the other person hanging like that

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 09/01/2017 14:31

Shenry what i've experienced before a few times in relationships is what I refer to as the 'two month wall'.

At first, both parties can be really infatuated but after a couple of months it becomes crunch time - is this a relationship that's going to last the distance -and either one or both parties will come to the realisation that this person is not the right long term partner for them.

It's very very common I think most of us have been there either as the one who realised it first or the one who was taken by surprise so please don't blame yourself.

I've had quite a few two monthers in my time, and only a very few relationships that went past that point (luckily one I'm now married to) at one time I thought I was cursed and would never get past that two month wall but it only takes one guy and you've plenty of time to find him.

Best of luck

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 14:36

If it wasn't so common it wouldn't have a name OP. It happens all the time to all kinds of people of both sexes and it's rubbish. But it's rarely actually personal. It's a very poor way to behave but it's rarely aimed. So by all means be cross with him but don't let it affect how you feel about yourself, or him for that matter (he should be irrelevant).

Of course being treated like a princess is intoxicating but you have to rationalise it out, that's your responsibility. Enjoy but be pragmatic. I guarantee you it will be a better way of handling a new relationship in the future. It doesn't mean hardening yourself it means trusting when trust is truly earned over time, going at your own pace and not being full swept along.

When you take responsibility for your own happiness it becomes easier than you would ever believe to enjoy dating for what it is, because there is no fear factor.

Canwekickit234 · 09/01/2017 14:41

Do you think it happens overnight?
They decide nope not continuing or builds up after a while?

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 14:54

I think it can happen in a heartbeat to be honest, it can be that quick or of course it can just be over time when you know you've gone in too fast and now it's all a bit awkward and weird.

I know I have gone out with someone a few times and kind of 'made do' but known really it wasn't going to go anywhere, so if it's kind of fizzled a bit I've let it gently burn out. I think it's fair to say I was ghosted a few years ago by a fly by night type - who is now happily settled with his girlfriend and their little boy - he started dating here I realise literally a day after disappearing on me. But she's his right fit. I wasn't. C'est la vie.