Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 08/01/2017 23:03

It is not because of things mving on forward too fast OP but because he is a coward and used you up for sex. Hope someone does it to him.

shenry25 · 08/01/2017 23:10

Restricting is when you're friends but can't see anything lol

OP posts:
LatteTime · 08/01/2017 23:12

Ahh OK lol.

I know it's hard but just block him, you will end up torturing yourself otherwise.

Guy sounds like a douchebag!

Bant · 08/01/2017 23:15

Yeah, Edinburgh is a lie too. Sorry Shenry. He's a coward.

Ask his mum to send your stuff back if it's important enough. Then block them all.

He should be ashamed of himself but probably won't. His mum can shame him though. Every Christmas from now on

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 08/01/2017 23:25

'Restricting' sounds like passive aggressive shite to me. Never heard of it and been on FB for at least 8 years. Anyway, take control OP and block him.
Edinburgh is absolutely a lie. He's just a coward who is using Edinburgh as an excuse.

tiej · 08/01/2017 23:25

He wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the arse.

No wonder his mum said you were the best thing to ever happen to him.

Lilacpink40 · 08/01/2017 23:29

OP today I've spoken with man I've been seeing for 2 months about my concerns with the way things are going. He initially seemed really keen, but a lot of our conversations now focus on his wants and needs. He is thinking about what I've said and has time to respond when we see each other next week. The logical side of me is taking control and I feel proud of doing this. The emotional side is feeling like complete crap. I really like who he essentially is, and thought we could have something really good together. I'd love to phone him right now and say it's me not you, I'll put up with it, to end this feeling. It's rubbish, particularly after a rush of excitement. In the past I have taken your position, gone along with situations and let the man lead until the often bitter end, it hasn't helped me at all!

You have witnessed childish and upsetting behaviour, so you need to ride-out the feelings of sadness and do not make yourself available to him. In the future watch out earlier in case there are signs, but this does happen to lots of people.

shenry25 · 09/01/2017 01:06

I am just so gutted that's you's we're all right 😢😢 how was he put off because we were moving so fast? I don't understand! I've a lot to learn

OP posts:
LatteTime · 09/01/2017 01:25

I know it's hard without knowing all the answers, but no matter what he says now you won't believe it anyway. Try and distract yourself and not think about it.

For what it's worth from your OP it sounded like he was a bit immature and liked the idea of being in a relationship rather than the reality. I mean he wanted everyone to think you were his girlfriend before he had even met you, you will look back on this in a few months and be grateful.

You will never get all the answers because in all honesty he probably doesn't know himself , he's just a gobshite!

Chin up Flowers

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 09/01/2017 01:35

OP don'[t pay too much attention to 'moving too fast' excuse - he just has to say something so that's what he's doing, cliches (plus moving away story).
He was moving the whole thing too fast to parade a new 'GF' (you) around Christmas time just maybe to show everyone that he can a girl fast, for an ego-boost, whatever. Or because he's a player and wanted someone gullible to sleep with. But I think he's just an immature dickhead.
In reality he was looking for a quick fling and an ego boost, and now is coning up with crappy reasons as he's nopt going to admit he's at fault and has led you on.
What you need to learn is, never let a man rush yo like this, declare love within a few weeks etc - you need to slow the process down, so IF (rare case) it genuinely is someone who thinks you aer the one, he will prove it by sticking around, and if he's a player/a manchild, then you won't get sucked in naively. If you know you are a bit naive, please don't sleep with a new man so quickly if you want more than a fling as then the attachment kicks in more. I think you are too vulnerable to just have 'happy casual flings'.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 09/01/2017 01:36

*'can get a girl fast' I meant

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/01/2017 02:43

Sorry it turned out that way, shenry. It was all down to him, not you. He was being duplicitous, with a hidden agenda that you had no way of knowing about.

This is why it is best to not "wear your heart on your sleeve" so to speak; do not become emotionally invested for a time. How long? I wouldnt commit my heart for a year (!) I know that seems excessively long (to some) but a trip around the calendar will reveal how he copes with hot/cold weather, the holidays, adapting to season changes, how he treats family and others through a year, vacation time, clues to finances etc- many aspects of knowing who someone is.

You can have a jolly good time without confusing it by identifying that fun as love (yes, even sex, even when they call it "makin love"!). Loving the activities, and attention/flattery is not the same as loving him (not just this bloke, but in general- a date), iyswim.

Draw the line now and leave it in the past.

shenry25 · 09/01/2017 04:32

Thanks everyone! I know we moved so fast and I even said to him quite a few times about it but he told me he was happy with the way things were going so I just went along with it. His mum said she was sorry and wasn't expecting it anymore than I was. Don't know if unbelief that or not to be honest. She told me I can call in to get my stuff when she's in this week. I'm going to go up with my sister which will make it a bit easier. It just sucks that I spent so much time with him and was really looking forward to getting to know him for this to happen. If the Edinburgh story is true, then he must have known that for some time and never mentioned it. That's also gutting too. I'll learn.

OP posts:
madgingermunchkin · 09/01/2017 05:50

It's not about moving to fast, he's just one of those arse holes who gets it on reeling a girl in, making her fall hard and the cutting and running.

And just because a man says he is happy with the way something is going, doesn't mean you have to go along with it. You are well within your rights to say "this is too much, it's not what I want".

peanut2017 · 09/01/2017 06:17

Op it's crap but you need to learn from this and I suggest you need to get counselling of some sort, not about him but to discuss why your self esteem is so low & accepting of this kind of thing. Like you said you had another relationship and it didn't end well for you either.

Please don't just jump into something else with someone. If will just follow you around and you will continue to make these mistakes.

It will get better!

IHaventStoppedCravingYet · 09/01/2017 06:38

I've been following this thread since the beginning and I'm sorry you're having a horrible time. Whilst everyone was sure this was inevitable and deep down you probably were too, it still hurts when it happens. You just need to move on and learn from it and hopefully in a few months it will be a life story to tell Flowers

hayser33 · 09/01/2017 07:33

What a nasty bastard -he is isn't moving to Edinburgh what tosh!!
Sorry for you but you are so better off without him .
Can't stand men like this who the hell do they think they are

TGINotChristmasAnymore · 09/01/2017 07:36

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, anyone who has used OLD has been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment at some point, you think that it's going well then poof it's over, sometimes you're told sometimes you're not. I was in a seven year relationship that ended with no warning. I came home from work to find that he'd cleared his stuff and left the key, I never heard from him again, all those years gone, without an explanation. Tbh I did hear from him again, a text a few months later, trying to reel me back in. I replied thanking him and telling him I was happy and not interested in remaining in contact, wasn't true and hurt like hell but I realised I didn't need answers, if he could do that he wasn't worth my time, if I can cope after that length of time you can. Sometimes there aren't any answers you have to just deal with it and accept people change their mind and will do what's right for them.
If I'm honest I waa also in a similar situation but the other way round. I met someone a couple of years back via Old, we got on, I liked him but looking back I wasn't ready for a relationship, I just didn't know that at the time. I spent a lot of time with him, it was intense, I got so wrapped up in it I convinced myself I loved him and told him so. The thing is as soon as I had some time and space I realised it was in my head, I didn't want to be with him at all. I was hurting from a previous break up and found myself in a situation that I really didn't want to be in.
I did the retreat, being offish, hoping he'd start to feel the same but it didn't work, I did try not responding for a few days, I felt bad but I was so scared of hurting him I just hoped he would begin to feel how I was and would see it for what it was, a short lived infatuation. Eventually I met with him and told him it was over, I didn't want to tell him I had realised I never felt anything, that it was the situation I was in that was the problem, I didn't want him knowing I had come to the realisation that actually he hadn't really meant anything to me, it was just lust. In my misguided mind I was trying to prevent pain for him. I did end it though by being half honest and saying it was the wrong time for me, that I needed space to be single. I was clear about that and I that I had no intention to contact him again. He responded with all the things the op did, he would give me space, I was just scared because of how I felt about him, he would give me space because he knew I loved him really. He would text and call, asking for answers, me trying to explain didn't help. Looking back now if I could I think I would definitely consider just cutting contact, trying to tell him didn't make him feel any better, it didn't change anything for me or him and tbh even if I'd had any doubt those two days where he was calling and messaging me just made me loose all respect for him anyway, we had only known eachother five minutes and I just felt harassed and as though he had no self respect, I just wanted him/the situation to disappear. Not nice I know, and completely my fault for allowing it to happen when I wasn't ready but looking back I still find it hard to believe how he acted, I would never have done that over someone I hardly knew. I'm not a nasty person, I don't have mh issues, I'm not an insensitive person but I have made mistakes and found myself, on this occasion, getting caught up in the moment then realising there was no substance there and it was all a bit silly.

PollytheDolly · 09/01/2017 07:48

Oh dear, what a weak and selfish boy.

Sorry you're feeling crap OP but I will get better. He's really not worth it. There are real men out there who will appreciate you.

He's restricted you on FB. Well you block him dear!! X

WifeyFish · 09/01/2017 07:59

What a dick!

I'm a strong believer in things happening for a reason, however unclear that reason might be right now.

FWIW about 9 months after the guy who dumped me by email, I met my DP and the relationships couldn't have been more different. Even in the early days there was never a moment of worrying where I stood with him. It was just straightforward and easy. So don't lose hope. The right guy is out there somewhere.

Irritatedmama · 09/01/2017 09:31

I'm sorry to hear this though not surprised.
If he really was moving to Edinburgh that wouldn't stand in the way of him having a relationship with you if he truly loved you as he claimed. Lots of people conduct long distance relationships.
He is just using this as an excuse because you backed him into a corner by your last text. He hoped you would get the message from his silence but you didn't so he had to come up with an excuse.

Your best course of action now is to try to forget him. If you do go to his house to get your things then look and act happy. That will be the best revenge - showing him you are just fine without him.

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2017 09:36

OP, you're young and you'll laugh about this at some stage.

But please, learn.

Freedom2017 · 09/01/2017 09:36

Well in the end it was good you sent that text as it forced him to actually end it so now you know where you are. Good luck. You're far too nice for him anyway.

shenry25 · 09/01/2017 10:54

Thanks everyone! I may have backed him into a corner to let me know either but at the end of the day, he is old enough to be straight with me and not leave me hanging. I had a right to know either way

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/01/2017 11:09

You already knew - and actually you don't know much more now because he probably isn't moving to Edinburgh

Don't make this mistake again in future. Keep your dignity and your head high, and don't chase around men like a little puppy

Swipe left for the next trending thread