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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 14:14

Why do threads always deteriorate with posters who attack other posters.

Op. some good points being made, he's probably gonna send his mum to the door to give you the stuff. As such I'd spare the humiliation and send a mate.

BlueNeighbourhood · 07/01/2017 14:17

You know what? I'm happy to be proved wrong and he's been in a coma for the past four days with no way to message her and this love story lives to fight another day.

However, we all know it isn't going to end up like that and I think every poster here is posting with the best of intentions because it's happened to them in the past. Nobody deserves the treatment the OP has had from this guy and everyone wants her to pick herself up and be okay.

I myself years ago have been on the backend of posts similar to this from Mumsnet and I wish to god I'd listened, every person was right except me.

Everyone wants the OP to come back because a) they genuinely want to know she's okay (as I certainly do) and b) they really want to help her get over this idiot that's taken her for a ride.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2017 14:26

I know it's frustrating to watch somebody willingly hurtle into the very thing that they're trying desperately to avoid but OP is free to do that if she wants to. All the good advice in the world doesn't mean that it won't be disregarded and those same mistakes made. We'd never be making bad decisions by now if that were the case.

I wasn't saying 'all posters', but there are definitely some that are enjoying OP's discomfiture a bit too much. Anybody who refers to 'car crash' though, I was definitely referring to them. It's pathetic to talk like that about somebody's life.

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 14:38

I'm going to leave this thread now

Good luck to you OP and I did hope it ends up working out for you and the majority of us are proven wrong

Take care

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 14:39
  • do hope that should say
EweAreHere · 07/01/2017 15:11

OP.

I really, really think you need to send a calm, efficient friend round to collect your stuff from his mum's house. Send anything of his that you have with and be done with it.

Original poster
shenry25 · 07/01/2017 15:31

I haven't really been on today because I'm feeling quite low about everything. I know what everyone's opinions are and I am listening but I'm just taking a few days to get my bearings. I'm going out tonight for a while to take my mind of things and then hopefully be able to think clearer about what's going on. I'm confused and hurt because I let myself get drawn in too quickly. I will do the right thing by what feels right. I just need my own head space right at the minute to get my thoughts in order because they are travelling at 100mph right now.

OP posts:
frieda909 · 07/01/2017 15:37

Have a fab time tonight. I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it WILL feel better soon I promise!

loveyoutothemoon · 07/01/2017 15:44

I'm feeling sorry for you. Some people are being a bit harsh.

Understandable you want your things back. I'd just go unannounced, get them and get on with your life. Put it down to experience. x

Original poster
shenry25 · 07/01/2017 15:48

I can understand why some people are being harsh if they have been through this themselves. They are only trying to help. I was going to land unannounced but we live an hour apart so it's not like I can say I was in the area or anything lol! I'm going to enjoy my weekend and see what happens. His mum is still interacting with me on Facebook, liking my posts etc so I'm assuming she hasn't a clue what's going on yet.

OP posts:
BlueNeighbourhood · 07/01/2017 15:52

OP delete his Mum off Facebook.

That's gonna give you hope it's all a misunderstanding. Do you think if he was this in love he'd have ignored you for so long and not shown up this weekend?

You never know you could go out tonight and meet someone amazing, just delete his mum if you can't delete him and try and have a great time tonight. I know it's easier said than done as most people don't want to go out but try.

Original poster
shenry25 · 07/01/2017 16:04

I don't want to delete his Mum off Facebook. That's not fair, she's a nice woman and done nothing wrong. If she wants me off then she can do it. I will go out and have a good time. Not planning on meeting anyone. I thought I had met someone amazing.

OP posts:
BelarusianDoll · 07/01/2017 16:13

I feel for you OP. This guy sounds like an immature user.

My mum once gave me the best advice when I was in a similar situation. She told me to take the power back. Immediately.

Here's how... At the moment you are wondering when/if he'll call. He knows exactly what's going on, you don't. But if you decide now that you'll never contact him again (and stick to it), then you are the one with the knowledge. You will then know exactly how this is going to pan out and he becomes the one in the dark (whether he cares or not is irrelevant).

Do this OP, please. Take the power back. It will feel amazing, I promise you.

Be brave!

Sunloving01 · 07/01/2017 16:20

I think I'd turn up unnanounced about 9.30-10am tomorrow morning as most people try and have a lazy/ slow start to Sunday mornings so they should be in but hopefully not deep in slumber.

If he has met someone else or anything like that, they may be there and you can catch the git out!

And if he's there alone, with or without his mum then he won't have had time to come up with a good cover story.

Either way, I suspect he'll tell his mum to deal with you, I hope she's nice. I would Just say you left a few bits there last time you were around and would like to collect them please. Ask her to gather them whilst you wait in the car or something.

Shayelle · 07/01/2017 16:22

Have a good night out op. You sound like such a sweet person, its his loss!! Flowers

Angleshades · 07/01/2017 16:26

Op I'm really sorry you're hurting. Go out tonight with your friends and try and have a good time. It's time to start living a good life without him in it as it doesn't look like he's coming back any time soon. Don't wait for him, this will only prolong your agony.

Personally I wouldn't bother with getting your things back from his house (unless it's hundreds of pounds worth of stuff). Just chalk this one up to experience and try and move on the best you can. It will still sting for a bit but each day will get better. Keep busy and get out and about lots and he'll soon start to fade from your mind.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 16:30

Op. have a great time tonight, try to not think about it. Easier said than done. At some point you'll hardly remember this guy or why uou were upset.

lilybetsy · 07/01/2017 16:32

Do you honestly think his mother will care whether you are her "friend on Facebook" ? This is not about whether she's 'a nice woman' or not, it's about having some boundaries ... her son has treated you very badly, why on eRth do you want to be in touch with her ? Honestly ?. So that she will say to him ' Shenry is lovely ' or so you can keep an eye on him,

Just delete and move on.

And it's NOT. About your FEELINGS , your feelings will catch up. It's about whether there is respect, kindness and consideration, enough to consider continuing to see him. There was, and now there IS NOT... so do yourself a favour , this man has shown you who he is and what he thinks of you. Walk away... no one is worth this anguish, and it won't get any better...

catlover1987 · 07/01/2017 16:40

Don't drunk text him tonight. I feel for you OP. I was you once. More than once if I'm honest. But I met an amazing man eventually and you will too. I know it's easy to think that you're the exception. There must be an explanation. But there probably isn't. You were just unlucky enough to fall for a dick.

Richteadipped2 · 07/01/2017 17:08

Did you see your own family over christmas and new year?

loveyoutothemoon · 07/01/2017 17:10

You're not going to move on until you get closure are you? Even though it's obvious he doesn't want to carry on.

Mrsjudelaw66 · 07/01/2017 18:40

If you need closure, get closure. Do whatever you need to do to feel better then move on. Have a good night tonight. Put twat face out of your head.

Bant · 07/01/2017 18:56

shenry - I'm sorry if people sound harsh. I think it's just that you don't seem to be taking the advice on board. I understand that it's been very intense, and you don't want to believe you've been screwed over like this, but after several days of no contact, can you see that's what it is?

And if you don't stand up for yourself in future, and tell men to piss off when they're taking the piss - or hell, ask advice on here at the beginning if you see red flags - then it'll happen over and over again.

You can meet someone who will fall in love with you quickly, who's actually worth it. But also, theoretically, you may get a random email from an African prince who wants to give you all his money. Either can happen, but it's likely that things like this aren't what they appear, so just be a little more cautious in future?

Enjoy tonight, and congratulations on the job. You deserve better than how this guy has treated you.

(Also, don't date men in their late 20s/30s who live with their mum. No matter what their excuse.)

WynterBlossom · 07/01/2017 19:51

(Also, don't date men in their late 20s/30s who live with their mum. No matter what their excuse.)

Bant, where the bloody hell were you in April last year when I started to get to know my dick of an ex who was 29 living with his mum??!! I needed you to tell me this!!

He is now 30 & still living with her Hmm although we have now split & funnily enough did to me what OP's bf did to her!

Please....pass this info around, we need to know this important piece of info.

Bant · 07/01/2017 20:12

We'll add it to the Dating Thread Rules :)