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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 07/01/2017 09:46

Who gives a fuck about the guy and whether he's got depression/sore back/ whatever....

Quitelikely

There is nothing wrong with the OP going back to get her clothes. However, she should be very clear about her motives for doing so. OP has admitted that the 'clothes' picking up is only a way to get contact with this man as he has ignored her calls and texts. If the only way the OP can 'force' the guy to communicate with her is by turning up on his doorstep on the premise of picking up clothes, that is desperate and obsessive behaviour. And say she gets an explanation, whatever explanation he gives her, what then? Does that make it okay? There is no dignity in this behaviour.

The reason people are getting peeved is because the OP has posted asking for an opinion/advice. Then goes on to ignore all advice/opinion. The reason people are annoyed is because the OP has posted about a previous relationship with a similar dynamic. Also, not least, because the writing is on the wall, it's so obvious, many of us have been there and done it. Although the tone of comment might be frustrated, I believe it is well intentioned, like looking out for someone. Why post on an Internet forum at all if all opinion is meaningless.
That said, OP is not under any obligation to take on advice. But posters are allowed to get frustrated.

Effendi · 07/01/2017 09:50

Ye gods, like watching a car crash.

ladygrinnings0ul · 07/01/2017 09:58

The amount of time and energy you are still giving this bloke 100% I bet he has all ready moved on to someone else .

JennyHolzersGhost · 07/01/2017 10:01

I think some people on this thread are getting very over invested.
Good luck OP, you sound like you've got a sense of proportion about this and are moving on rather than wallowing in it. Enjoy your night out with the girls. Hope you find someone who deserves you Flowers

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 10:01

Get a mate to go round and pick the clothes up from his mum is the best idea but to be honest I want to know what he will say too,

Msqueen33 · 07/01/2017 10:03

Oh love you're better than this. Regardless of if he needs his space he should tell you this. He doesn't sound great. This early in the relationship he should be attentive. Don't do this to yourself!

Nothavingfunrightnow · 07/01/2017 10:10

I'm with Chops2016 on this one.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 07/01/2017 10:25

We could all be wrong !

This chap could be so in love with the Op that he's disappeared because he's busy arranging a surprise wedding . He'll appear on her doorstep with a ring and wedding dress .

BlueNeighbourhood · 07/01/2017 11:10

I'm looking forward to seeing what he has to say too, I think it's an intriguing thread to follow.

Please do update us OP, i really hope it has a happy ending for your sake but I doubt it.

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 12:07

Can I ask why you are waiting till the end of the weekend to pick up your clothes? If they're that important and you're adamant you're going to be picking them up, then why not get it over and done with? The sooner the better and he can tell you it's over and you can move on

I'm also interested in how you two met

PollytheDolly · 07/01/2017 12:12

OP

Askhole.

Ask for advice then ignores it.

(Meant in the nicest possible way Grin)

silkflowers · 07/01/2017 12:22

I'm pretty sure they met online. I thought I read that in one of OP's posts.

OP - where have you gone? Confused

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 12:25

Pollythedolly Grin Grin I'm pinching that haha I know quite a few people I could call this !

WynterBlossom · 07/01/2017 12:29

Maybe OP went to his house, he gave her an excuse & they are back together??

She won't be checking her messages on here whilst with him.

Bant · 07/01/2017 12:31

I think they're sitting on his mums sofa, happily planning the wedding together. Whilst watching Netflix, obviously.

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 12:37

I really wouldn't be surprised if when she went round they slept together before it was over

On the other thread about the ex, she told him she'd be happy being FWB but then kept wanting to know where she stood and wanted a relationship after he ended it Hmm

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/01/2017 12:40

You know they way he wouldn't come to the phone when you called his house? That stab in the heart frustration?

Imho, multiply that x 1000 when you show up at his house and he refuses to talk to you there either. Ouch.

Tell his Mom you are coming for your things (and return his stuff), and ask her to have them on the porch at x time so you can swap stuff without having to stay because you have a full schedule getting ready for your new job (congratulations!). His mom will tell him this, perhaps, then it is in his court to watch for you if he wants to speak to you. But in no way ask for him or wait for him or decorate his front yard with his stuff expect to speak to him. If you have zero expectation, then the disappointment will be lessened considerably- to zero.

Imho, because of the hour drive, I would post his stuff back to him (addressed to his mom) and then hope his mom would post yours in return unless they already flogged it all on eBay.

You can get quite a bit of mileage off a brief affair in remembering the fun and what a Happy Holiday it was as long as you understand the connection with him is over. It is in the past. The sooner you can draw that line to distinguish past from present the better off you will be. As some posters have indicated, that line can be drawn on the back of 'him being a little off' and not responding to one text...so in the space of a couple of hours, the line is drawn...the absence of any further contact from him proves the line was correct, if there was any doubt.

You are a solo actor in this drama.

ThinkPinkStink · 07/01/2017 12:41

Classic:

Lovebomb ->
Detach ->
Dispose

...cycle

Look up the Robert Hare test and consider how you'd answer based on his traits.

If he comes up with a low score. Try again in six months when he's put you through a few more Lovebomb -> disposal cycles.

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 12:51

Actually that's a point, if you tell him you are coming to collect your stuff, gives him time and opportunity to make sure he's out the house so he doesn't have to see you, or he'll send his mum to the door with your stuff, so tbh I'd just ask his mum if she could post it or leave it outside for you to collect

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2017 12:52

If he doesn't even want to speak to you on the phone, why on earth would he want to talk to you if you turned up at his house

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 07/01/2017 12:54

OP - where have you gone? confused

really are you surprised that Op isn't responding every minute when she's getting all this berating and some cruel comments regarding 'planning the wedding'? It's not a joke to her, you know, she only had 4 days to get her head round it after an intense month - she's not a robot with a quick 'switch'. Give her a bloody chance, everyone who is being aggressive!

I think she's doing better than most by going out with the girls and now being excited about a job offer. FWIW some people do go into their shelf when ill and feeling shit about themselves (they think it makes them less attarctive in a new relationship) - yes, they are immature people and he sure as hell sounds immature.
He's obviously not ready/able to have mature r-ships so yes OP should dump him even if he is down in the dumps regarding his health. He;'s a tiresome manchild. I'm suree she;ll realise very soon.

maggiethemagpie · 07/01/2017 13:11

I've been in this situation and it was hard to just walk away without at least speaking to the guy to get an explanation - so I can understand this.
The danger comes when said explanation is manipulated by the fella into an excuse so he can get his leg over one more time.

Also in my situation the guy went quiet for two days, then came out of the woodwork when I texted him to let him know I knew it was over.

This guy hasn't crawled out from under the stone yet.

OP - I'd text his mum saying you haven't heard back from (dickhead) and are now ending the 'relationship' can she arrange for your stuff to be posted back if you send her the postage money / can she arrange for you to pick up your stuff when he is not there and return his.
Or write off the stuff depending on how much you need it back.

Then get on with your life and realise that you're better off without this sad loser.

And please don't blame yourself.. a lot of folk on here have been lovebombed and although some men may be doing it to get their leg over I think a lot really are looking for love but convince themselves early on that it's the real thing and then reality comes crashing in a little while later.

Bant · 07/01/2017 13:23

It was sarcasm, PGTIPS, not cruelty.

I tried posting advice and opinion, as have hundreds of others. And yes, the OP did repeatedly come back every five minutes, to minimise, deflect, and (possibly) lie

So she no longer has much sympathy from many posters, I think, if she asks for advice and then refuses to listen to it.

silkflowers · 07/01/2017 13:49

I don't think posters on here have been particularly aggressive tbh. I think that the OP has asked for advice on a situation many of us have been in at some stage, and we are trying to steer her away from making a mistake and guide her in the right direction. Despite this, the OP is saying she wants to give this guy a chance to redeem himself. I think it is understandable that we are getting frustrated however I think that the OP (I'm sure she is reading this) needs to remember that the vast majority, if not all, of the comments on here are well intentioned.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/01/2017 14:07

It sounds like some posters are just rubbing their thighs in anticipated glee at the prospect of another post from the OP. Not very nice and really obvious.