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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Bant · 07/01/2017 07:34

So hang on Shenry - he is still on your Netflix? If you're saying you don't give a shit about the cost?

You said you'd sorted it. Have you?

The issue isn't about the money, it's about the fact that him watching tv that you pay for is currently the only relationship you have.

Freeatlast2017 · 07/01/2017 07:39

I am feeling for the op now as everyone is getting so frustrated at her.

I don't think it's fair to say she is an easy piece of meat to him. It doesn't sound like that to me. Maybe the bloke just got carried away over the Christmas period and now it's back to reality and he is too cowardly to tell her he's not interested so he is hiding.

Bant · 07/01/2017 07:43

I feel for the OP too - but she's making the exact same mistake she made before, and is refusing to learn from it.

Peoples frustration is at her willingly ignoring advice, and going on to get hurt again and again.

Shenry - you realise that according to the timescales of this relationship, he's had more than enough time to fall in love with someone else, and be partway to moving in with them by now?

He'll be on someone else's Netflix account soon, don't worry

Chops2016 · 07/01/2017 07:47

I don't think this thread is real any more. Nobody is this naive.

Deadsouls · 07/01/2017 07:57

It's like watching a slow motion car crash. Total and utter denial, total inability to take on board anything that's being said, total inability to see the writing on the wall, refusal to take responsibility for one's own actions.
It's like the OP has stuck her fingers in her ears and is saying, 'not listening, not listening, not listening'.
It makes for oddly compelling reading.

One thought that struck me was that though the OP has asked for opinions as to whether he is actually being distant (or is she overthinking?), she isn't under an obligation to take any advice or opinion on board. Frustrating though that may be.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 08:01

He started acting distant on Monday before I left

JessicaEccles · 07/01/2017 08:05

Chops2016 - the sad truth is this is how I wasted most of my 20s and 30s.Blush until I realised that relationships actually should be easy.
And when you are spending more time analysing his behavior than you are being happy, it's already fucked up.

lauryloo · 07/01/2017 08:12

Op please just let him go, and send someone else to get your stuff.

It's over - he just doesn't have the balls to tell you.

And even now, would you want someone who treats you like this when you are still in the honeymoon period.

Ellisandra · 07/01/2017 09:07

Oh Jesus wept, you're still waiting around for him to realise he's made a mistake
🙈

Ellisandra · 07/01/2017 09:09

He's only ignored you for 4 days (after a relationship of 32 days duration Confused) so yeah - definitely still within the timeframe that he should have a chance to give you the reasonable explanation that will make it all better.

You should prolong your agony by convincing yourself that the sheer raw power of his love for you was so great that he couldn't have any contact.

He's an arsehole, end of. Stop waiting around for him. (and yes, you are)

Lovemusic33 · 07/01/2017 09:12

I agree with everyone else.

If you stay with him you will spend a lot of time trying to work him out, stressing over what he might be doing, how he might be feeling. I have spent the past year doing this with my now ex and it made me ill, when we finally split I was already on antidepressant because of him,he didn't give a shit, he was off sleeping with other women whilst I was cooking his dinner and doing his washing, he totally destroyed me and I let him. I know you are trying to look for excuses for him because you want things to work, in reality this will never work and you will only end up getting more hurt, save yourself the heart ache and walk away with your head held high because going through what I went through is no way worth the risk.

Simplecountrygirl · 07/01/2017 09:15

I am literally speechless at this thread.

Seriously, OP. Why do you keep saying 'our relationship?' There is NO relationship. You're not in a relationship with him. He hasn't spoken to you since Tuesday?! What type of relationship is that?!

He hasn't spoken to you since Tuesday, the only reason why he hasn't spoken to you is because he's hoping you'll just quietly bugger off and fade from his life without a fuss. He can't be bothered with the 'I like someone else/ I'm just not that into you' speech because he knows you won't accept it and will go nuts so it's easier to just ignore you and hope you'll go away.

You'll still be here this time next month saying 'Well I'm in a relationship with this great guy but for some reason he hasn't spoken to me in a month, I'm sure he's just thinking things through though Smile'

🙄🙄Hmm

QuiteLikely5 · 07/01/2017 09:16

Can you hurry up and go to his house for your possessions as I'm keen to hear what he has to say! Blush

Also to those telling her to leave her stuff - why the hell should she?!

And posters shouldn't be getting peeved just because she won't see the light - it's her life - she's living it

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 09:19

I wonder if he has previous for it, tells women he loves them, then ghosts. Hoping the penny drops Sooner rather than later and if the mother knows that's what he does.

Something though happened the last time as he was already being distant and the whole, he has a sore back or whatever that's why he cancelled and wasn't in a good mood kinda indicates it was over as you left, he just wasn't man enough to tell you.

Watching uour Netflix though after the event is a bit like rubbing salt in it. Lucky escape in my opinion.

Littlejayx · 07/01/2017 09:29

Sorry OP but you are just delusional.

Itssosunny · 07/01/2017 09:29

OP, either he has some issues and he has simply used you for sex or he has depression. He could be very unhappy with his health and himself eventually and that would make him to lock up in himself.
For some reasons I think when you turn up at his place to collect your things he will agree with your actions and do nothing and let you go. He probably has some MH issues.

SuffolkingGrand · 07/01/2017 09:33

Jeez...... this is painful reading.

Wake up, grow up and wise up.

As an aside, is "change the password" the new "cancel the cheque"??

CondensedMilkSarnies · 07/01/2017 09:34

He probably has some MH issues

He might have ^ . He might also be a wanker!

Ellisandra · 07/01/2017 09:35

Oh dear god don't throw depression into this.
You'll only encourage the OP to stand by him Confused

Bant · 07/01/2017 09:39

If I were you, OP, I'd change the Netflix password' - then message his mum with it, ask politely if she can let him know you've had to change it to
'SendMyStuffBackYouCowardlyWanker'

Patienceisvirtuous · 07/01/2017 09:40

Shamelessly marking place to see what happens when you go for your clothes OP.

Twiterati · 07/01/2017 09:42

Op, did you also buy him a lovely Xmas present as well as giving him your Netflix password? I'm thinking "a boyfriend is for Xmas not just for life" is possibly his motto. I don't believe you've actually told us how you met but it was probably OLD. I'm sure he's having the time of his life hooking up with vulnerable, gullible women and doing this constantly. He probably has various personas and whatsapp, fb profiles etc so the fact you haven't seen him online means nothing apart from he's probably using another profile to reel in the next sad fucker. Flowers

Juicylucy91 · 07/01/2017 09:43

Forget your stuff, move on.

Don't make a fool out of yourself by go round there.

Block/delete him and his family from everything. Move on.

Juicylucy91 · 07/01/2017 09:45

*going

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 09:45

Plenty of guys ghost, I think suggesting mental health issues is maybe a step too far, although I guess possible. He's more likely just a cowardly twat.