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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
shenry25 · 06/01/2017 18:41

I tried to ring him a couple of times last night to no answer and I sent him a whatsapp asking if we could talk cos I had something important to ask him. He deliberately didn't read it and I haven't heard from him today either. I'm not going to just land at the door, I would message him first and tell him to get my stuff gathered up.

OP posts:
madgingermunchkin · 06/01/2017 18:42

Shenry, we're the same age, you and I, and it's only over the last year or two that I've actually finally found the self confidence to know what I will and won't accept. The behaviour of your man, I wouldn't tolerate.

I went on a few dates with a guy over the holidays, he'd invited me to go out drinking with his friends, talked about spending Hogmanay together, and then one day, after a date he didn't reply to a text. So I've deleted his number, and thought bollocks to him.

The fact that you repeated keep texting and calling him despite the fact he isn't answering or picking up is what makes you come across as desperate and needy. Just stop. Delete his number and him from all social media, and walk away.

His silence is talking to you loud and clear. If he really wanted to be in touch, he would be.
No, you won't understand, but unfortunately, so men just enjoy doing this. They get off on leading women on and making them fall head over heels for him. It's the thrill of the chase.

shenry25 · 06/01/2017 18:42

He lived in Liverpool for 7 years and isn't long back home which is why he is staying with his mum.

OP posts:
silkflowers · 06/01/2017 18:42

I do want answers yes

Noooo. OP this isn't going to end well.

I think if you turn up demanding answers you will look back and cringe at your behaviour in years to come.

The answer is that he is an idiot and a cowardly one at that. Why do you need him to give you reasons? What can he possibly say that will make you feel better?

tiej · 06/01/2017 18:43

Do you really believe he will speak to you shenry ?

PinkFluff2 · 06/01/2017 18:45

You need to stop contacting him now and just think of it as a lesson learnt. He is less and less likely to respond the more you keep calling and texting, not that I think he will ever reply anyway. Sacrifice your stuff or get his mum to post it or ask her to leave it outside for you to collect.

When a guy did this to me I sent him ONE text and that was it. I would never give someone the satisfaction of more than that, if they're not bothered then what's the point?

silkflowers · 06/01/2017 18:47

Confused you called him a couple of times and Whatsapped him last night too?

Just out of interest - how many calls / texts have you sent him since he's gone AWOL, that he hasn't replied to?

Clothes are just clothes.... you can replace them surely?

Chops2016 · 06/01/2017 18:50

You know what, it doesn't matter what anybody says to you, you're intent on walking into this car crash either way. I don't know why you bothered making this thread. You arent taking anything anybody says on board.

I would say this is a case of "she needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them", but judging by what other posters have said you've been burned before in the exact same situation.. and learned nothing from it.

Seriously, you are making a fool of yourself. Wake up!

Chops2016 · 06/01/2017 18:51

And forget the bloody clothes, you're using them as an excuse not to let him go.

Ellisandra · 06/01/2017 18:53

Yes - he's still living with his mum. Whether he moved away before or not.
So do you see why he was so keen to go for days at a time with you? It was too soon to read much into that.

And it's pitiful that his mum is asking him - to his face - whether he is going to you this weekend, yet you don't know.

Write the clothes off, or bypass this arsehole and get her to send them back.

"It was nice to meet you Mrs Arse'sMother but I've decided that Arse isn't the right man for me to take things forward with. That's always a bit awkward, so would you mind sending back ? Thanks!"

Let him find out second hand from his mum that YOU dumped HIM Grin

LesisMiserable · 06/01/2017 18:53

Sheny I'm struggling to believe now that this is real because seriously...

HotNatured · 06/01/2017 18:53

Oh OP you sounded strong for a moment but now you're back to being passive mentioning 'second chances'. I'm sorry to be harsh but STOP deluding yourself. You are doing yourself no favours. Why ON EARTH would you want to give another chance to someone who has so little respect for you, why would you put yourself in that position. You have had so much great advice but it's clearly gone in one ear and out the other. 15 pages dedicated to helping you all for nothing. I give up

HotNatured · 06/01/2017 18:54

LesisMis, I'm feeling that way too, surely no one can really be so blind Hmm

WavingNotDrowning · 06/01/2017 18:57

He's blocked you I think

MsStricty · 06/01/2017 19:01

OP, can you live without answers? Because you won't get any - not the ones you're looking for. He probably doesn't know why he's ghosting you either; not really.

It's the lack of answers - the not knowing or being able to understand - that's the kicker. But this is part of moving on: being able to do it without any closure from the other person. You give yourself closure by deciding not to ask anything anymore.

Instead, you tell him this: that you or a friend (preferably someone else) is going to turn up at a set time over the weekend to pick up your stuff, and you'd like it to be outside the front door so there's no need for contact.

And that's it. Then walk away.

If you can't do this, then you're actually not as over him as you are telling us, or as you yourself believe. If you haven't changed your Netflix password, you're still holding out hope. If you haven't blocked him, you still think he's worth having.

Please, OP, once this is over, go and get some therapy so that you can understand why it is that a part of you self-sabotages, and also chooses men who are unavailable. If you stick it out, it'll be worth it.

ElspethFlashman · 06/01/2017 19:03

I think he's probably blocked you too. If you open WhatsApp, if you can't see their "status" or their "last seen" thing, then they've blocked you.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/01/2017 19:05

I think you really need to take the hint and then really have a long hard think about what happened here

shenry25 · 06/01/2017 19:09

No he hasn't blocked me on anything. Still on him and his mothers Facebook and he hasn't been on whatsapp since Tuesday when he last text me.

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 06/01/2017 19:10

I find it desperately sad that you self esteem is so low and you are so desperate for any crumb of affection that blows your way.

What can you gain from going there??
You don't want the clothes, you want a Hollywood love story. But this is not it.
You go there you'll just get rejection. And you'll look a fool. A desperate fool

Don't do it to yourself.

Although I have the feeling that I'm literally mashing my face into a brick wall saying this to you.

Freeatlast2017 · 06/01/2017 19:16

I can understand why op wants an explanation. He told her he loved her on Tuesday Confused.

If you are intent on going there to collect your clothes why don't you do it straight away this evening. Hopefully you can draw a line under it rather than wait several more days. I wonder if part of you is hanging on to the hope that he is coming to see you this weekend and all will be fine.

LesisMiserable · 06/01/2017 19:19

elspeth thats not quite right, you can hide your last seen on Whatsapp without blocking someone.

CalmItKermitt · 06/01/2017 19:20

I'm ashamed to say I've been in your shoes. More than once. Desperate for a relationship to work. I was young and silly.
I can guarantee that the absolute best way to feel better is to take back some control and dignity and dump him. You'll feel sad obviously but at the same time empowered and you'll keep a shred of self respect.

shenry25 · 06/01/2017 19:26

I can see his last seen so I'm not blocked. I would go tonight but the roads are very icy and I don't want to risk crashing.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 06/01/2017 19:28

Why would you go tonight?
What would be the point?!!!
He's an hour away. Petrol for that return journey plus your time - why would you not just get his mum to post them back?

ElspethFlashman · 06/01/2017 19:33

Ah yes thanks Les - brain fart.

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