Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

I feel no matter what we say or advice we give the poster will see this hoe she wants. I think that she would jump at the chance to continue this if he asks her to when she collects her belongings. I've read you're other posts and the similarities are startling. What I do get from your posts shenry is that you're desperate to be in a relationship, you hang on the kind lovely things they have said to you, but ignore the actions that say so obviously the opposite. I don't mean to sound nasty but desperately wanting a relationship and craving love as your posts indicate is never attractive, it also makes you vulnerable and it's that vulnerability that attracts men like this one. My honest advice, from personal experience, would be stay single, work on yourself, your life and your acceptable boundaries. If you were really that happy being single you wouldn't have come out of your last relationship and jumped straight into an involvement of this kind. Only when you are truly happy being single are you ready to be with someone. Like I said previously a month isn't that along at all, I understand that you allowed yourself to get invested but once you accept he doesn't really care you will soon forget him.

Freida909 that's all I wanted really. Was a message to say he'd be busy and I would give him space. Now I'm stuck questioning everything and feeling unbelievably anxious. He was ok with me on Tuesday. Sent a message to apologise for the late reply, hoped I was well and told me he loved me. That's why it's hit hard. His mum asked if he was coming down and he said he wasn't sure. Surely if he had said no she wouldn't even have mentioned it? I didn't ask her to ask him or anything. She just said "funny I just asked him was he coming to you this weekend and he just said not sure"

shenry, it sounds like your guy is probably confused himself. Like the PP's boyf (who she stayed friends with) maybe he really DID want it to work out and threw himself into it, and now the rumblings of doubt are eating at him.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him as his behaviour is despicable but I've had that feeling of 'doubt creeping in' before when everything looked good on paper. Sure the right thing to do is not be a coward, and have the 'it's over' chat but he's clearly not emotionally capable of doing that.

As for his mum, who knows what he's said to her? Maybe he's said 'mum I'm really confused about this girl not sure she's right for me' but she's not going to tell you that is she. So she will just say something vague and non commital and hope you don't text again.

It's shit I know but if this doesn't make you see the writings on the wall, actually quite a lot of it, then I don't know what will.

I honestly don't know what's going on his head. Would help a great deal if I did lol! I'll collect my things at the end of the weekend if I still haven't heard from him. If we can't sort things out, then it's best just walking away.

shenry...what would be your ideal scenario to happen right now with him?

Ideally we would sort whatever the hell is going on.

KIdnapped is spot on. Why give him another chance he's cut you off there's no other chance to give because he's not interested anymore, dispute people's honestly you are holding out for a tiny glimmer of hope he hasn't been in touch since Tuesday it's now Friday he's ignored all your calls and messages it's blanlant he's not interested.

OP, he knows exactly what is going on. Its you thats in the dark and not by accident. The flashing neon signs are going off in all directions. This is not something you need to chat through together to make sense of. The guy went in too fast and now he wants out and doesn't want to let you down by telling you. Thats it. If you see him, you might get an apology or you might even flutter your laahes and persuade him its true love for a while - he may well 'give in' to your charms if he sees you. But it will be off again within days or weeks. So no, he knows whats going on he just doesn't want to say. You really really need to take this lesson this time.

Please stop deluding yourself. I mean this in the nicest possible way. I've been here myself and I know how you're feeling. I couldn't eat because I was so anxious. I lost a ton of weight. I ended up in counselling because it messed me up so much.

The guy I was seeing did all of the things your guy did. Constant contact. It was a fairytale romance. I got him like no one else and we were, in his words " the real deal". I went away on a work trip and he was in constant contact. Then I got back and he disappeared. Wouldn't answer calls or texts. I was beside myself! He reemerged eventually with some nonsensical story about needing to help a friend. It didn't make sense or explain why he couldn't even text me. I never saw him again after that but the " relationship" continued for a couple of months. He would text me declarations of love but always had excuses for meeting and would disappear again. I lived in a state of constant anxiety waiting for him to realise we should be together properly.

He cropped up again a couple of years later and actually apologised to me. He told me that he had done the same thing to many other women but that he had never acted as badly to anyone as he had me. It had actually made him feel guilty. Total prick! It devastated me but to him I was one of many. It was all a game.

Please walk away now and don't end up like I was!

Shenry25

I just took a look at the other thread you posted about a previous relationship. Similarly then as now you are desperate for some sort of sign or holding onto hope that this man wants a relationship. You think that if you just 'work it out', presuming he wants to have a big talk, everything will be okay and as it was at the beginning. I suspect the picking up of the clothes is a ruse to have contact with him.
It's like your whole world and emotional well being is revolving around what he says or doesn't say, what he does or doesn't do. It seems as though you have a pattern of getting overly and quickly attached and invested with men who are emotionally unavailable and treat you as an 'option', whilst coming out with a load of bullshit words that they're just saying because a/ it's what you want to hear and they know that b/ it makes things easier for them to get what they want, c/ it hooks you in, d/ anything for an easy life.
Maybe they even believe it themselves at the time but they can't or won't follow through because it's all superficial.
You can't do anything about them. And to some extent it's not about them at all. It's your pattern.

Please listen when posters are saying don't see him, don't contact him, don't get your clothes. Walk away now. Simply if he wanted to be with you he would contact you and make some effort. He is not contacting you. He is not making an effort.
Trying to work it out is a very one sided venture. He has not indicated that he wants to work anything out has he?
Please take the focus off him and bring it back to yourself. Although this is, of course, your journey to make.
Maybe ask yourself why you hand over all your power to these men? And what is the pay off for you in investing so heavily in men who are not invested in you?

This thread makes for a frustrating read.

OP, he could have not contacted you for a variety of reasons, and all we can do is speculate. You will likely never know why. But what you need to take on board is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.

The fact is that he has proven to you with his actions that:

• he doesn't care you're worried (you've told him this in texts and he has missed calls. He has ignored them).
• he isn't interested in talking to you (if you are in love then he would be dying to talk to you, like you are with him).

The reason he is doing this DOESN'T MATTER. The fact he does not respect you, care for your feelings, or show active interest after a month is solid proof that he isn't partner material.

People treat you how you allow them to. It's sad and unfair but they do. Why set your bar so low?!

Ps I'd take anything his mum says with a pinch of salt. Her loyalties lie with her son, not the brand new gf of 1 month. If I were her I'd be giving you neutral non-committal answers and urging my son to stop hiding behind me, grow some balls and sort his own shit out!

OP I've just gone through what you are going through

Just to say it doesn't matter why he did it. It won't help you what he says anyway.

Actions speak way louder than words

Don't collect your stuff just try to move on

Distract yourself (Exercise is good when friends aren't around) and say to yourself whenever you think of him and why he's done it
'It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter'

shenry, you will not see him this weekend, because he won't be there.

Well he might be there but his mum will say he's not.

Do you really think that a man who won't even send you a text is going to meet you face to face? It's a long dangerous drive home when you're upset and anxious. Think on love.

^ this.

Shenry please have some more respect and pride. You sounds like a nice, if a bit insecure, person, and you deserve much more than this lovebombing cockwomble who doesn't even have the decency to let you know that he wants to finish with you. I have been where you've been, as have many other posters, and there is so much well-meaning advice here which equates to one thing: Move On, and enjoy your life without this prick in it. Forget the clothes if you can, forget the chat and working things out (why would you even want to when he's treated you like this? If you do somehow work it out, he just has a free license to know he can do the same thing again, and again).

I think he's just scared of how powerful his feelings for you are.

That's what he'll tell you anyway. And you'll believe him. And then next time there'll be another reason which makes you sympathise with him while also basking in just how special you and the connection you have is.

He's mugging you off love. No explanation is good enough. Walk away.

Oh wow.

This happened to me 6 months ago, but seriously you need to just accept it and move on. I don't understand why you're making endless excuses for his behaviour.

I was seeing a guy for 6 weeks who told me he wanted to start trying for a baby with me in a years time, marry me, move in with me, he took me to meet his parents and then the next week he disappeared. And he never came back.

Everything was HIS idea. Not mine. He dumped me without saying a word, and he didn't block me or remove me off Facebook. It really is irrelevant what's on your profile.

As much as you want to fix this, it's not fixable because he doesn't want to be with you. I didn't want to accept it at the time either and I was devastated but I kept my dignity and walked away. I didn't try to get him to speak to me, the silence gave me all the answers I needed.

pinkfluff I have to ask then, did you not say when he mentioned babies etc "thats madness" or when he wanted to take you to meet his parents "no thank you. Its too soon". Would you do it differently if it happened again?

People often say he did all the running etc. Why so happy to be passive? Why not speak up/ slow it down with affirmative actions?

Genuine questions.

I feel I want to tell you my experience as I wish I'd of done what all the posters are telling you to do.
I went out with a chap like that except I had a child with him !! she's lovely beautiful and I can't regret him because i have her but my god I let him treat me terribly.
Exactly the same situation -caught me at a vulnerable time (not long out of a 5 yr relationship with a commitment phobe who was a twat aswell ) he was much older than me (20+yrs) there was such chemistry between us and he was absolutely besotted with me.
Talk of love after meeting me ..what like 4 times -moving in-meeting all my family quickly-letting me meet his grown up children- treating me -buying all the drinks (I've never had that before ) everything.

I'll openly admit I was desperate-desperate for a decent man for my children and desperate for someone to commit to me ,I was infatuated with him .
Long story short I fall pregnant very very quickly he knew it was going to happen I mite add as we wasn't at all careful..pathetically imaturature of us and ,initially he is up for it (coming for scans sitting and crying when we found out we were having a daughter buying prams etc) but you guessed it we were over by the time I was 6.5 months into the pregnancy.
He just went strange when I was around 3 months gone but he clearly didn't have the balls to say actually this isint the life I want I've changed my mind -I look back now and could kick myself as the signs were all there and I wish either me or him had had the bollocks to say that it wasn't right . I ended up on anti depressants as he had such a bad effect on me and to be honest I don't think he felt great either but God he was a prick.
Listen to what posters are saying to you -have some self respect -dont bother collecting your stuff it's just an excuse to see him. I'm not trying to be harsh as I really feel for you but a couple of years down the line you will be glad you walked away !!
Really wish I had walked away from him sooner and saved myself the upset. ( don't regret the baby tho she's ace !!)
Good luck to you
Xx

How do you think this might be 'sorted out', OP? What excuse could he offer that you would accept?

I am getting the feeling any excuse would do, to be honest, which is really sad.

You feel like you want to 'sort it out' now because the rug's been pulled out from under you and you haven't had any time to think. Your knee-jerk reaction is to want snap your fingers and make things go back to how they were, because at the moment it's all in his court and you're just left twiddling your thumbs.

You need to stop and think about why you would even want this guy back now. This is not how you deserve to be treated. Don't sit around wondering what you did wrong and how you can fix it. Get angry! Should you be expected to put up with this? No!

Les Mis - my partner started talking babies after a few weeks. We went on to have two of them. So it doesn't always indicate a red flag. Some whirlwind romances do work out. Many don't. What's critical is to be able to tell when it's not working and walk away.

I fully agree with you. The point I was making was that in situations like these when its all gone south very quickly a common thread is that the men were driving it and the women are giving the impression of being helplessly swept along in the whirlwind, even though it felt a bit off. That's where judgement and learning from past experiences surely needs to kick in to just calm it down.a bit to see if there's any legs behind the bluster.

You don't need to walk away depending what happens

walk away NOW!!!!