Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

[shenry25]

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

People are just trying to help you keep some dignity. He has decided he is not in this anymore, He has just switched off after all the stuff he said to you He has decided to check out of this relationship, and he is just too spineless to even have the courtesy to tell you. He is hoping your just go away and the more you call him, his mum, text etc etc the more your justifying in his head that he is right to end the relationship.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

The responses you may be finding harder to read, are very likely (certainly in my case) coming from a place of kindness as your not the first person to be "love bombed" only to find that the person you thought you fell head over heals in love with doesn't actually exist. I doubt your be the last either.

What you want is for him to turn around and say "I was so unwell, I lost all use of my arms, I could hear or speak I communicated with my mum via my eyelids so I couldn't text or speak to you" and then your have your reason and it will feel all better. But it won't be better, anyone who treats someone else with such little respect is an arsehole and trust me, even if you don't believe me now your far better knowing this now than in a month, 6 months, five or even ten years time.

Please change your settings on WhatsApp so that you can't see when they were online. It'll drive you mad! Especially if it looks like they were online but likely weren't!

He's a weasel. I hate it when men do this and many of us have been on the receiving end of such behaviour.

It wouldn't surprise me if he comes out with all kinds of excuses if he fancies a shag again. There really is no justification for his behaviour unless he's unconscious in hospital.

He's a total dick. It's a shame you've left clothes at his house because he will try and reel you back in. Personally I would drive over there, breezily ask for your belongings back, tell him that you don't want to continue seeing him and leave. Don't waste time or energy on this prick.

Best thing I ever did was remove my last seen status on WhatsApp so that I don't know when someone is online and they don't know when I am!

See this is the difference, my DP may read a WhatsApp message from me and I'll see the two ticks when I may go to send something else but I don't panic and think she's leaving me or ghosting me. I just know she's probably busy at work and will reply when she has a few seconds. Because I feel totally secure in my relationship, that's the difference. And you haven't had a chance to build these feelings as it's been a month.

Contrary to what I said last time I now agree with all PP's who said he's ghosting. And it's harsh, absolutely horrible. But the reality of it is that it's only been a month. In November you didn't even know this guy! Join clubs, boot camp, do a sport, go shopping and buy your favourite CD. Anything but cling onto the hope that you go to his house to collect your clothes (which I think is silly, in my last break up my ex kept about four expensive tops but I was pleased to be rid to be fair!) that all will be forgiven and things are good again. Because he really will do it again. You seem addicted to the uncertainly and I couldn't live like that.

Just want to say I really feel for you it's not nice being treated like that by someone.

"HE was the one who wanted to be serious. HE was the one who wanted to meet families. HE was the one constantly talking about our future."

You make it sound like the man 100% dictates the terms of the relationship and you go along with whatever he wants. Your previous boyfriend wanted to see you for sex but not be seen in public with you, so you accepted that.

That's what people mean when they say you are so passive.

It is actually okay to say:

• No, you can't stay here for a few days. We've only had one date. I'll see you at the weekend.
• No, it is far too soon to meet families. Maybe in a few months if things go well.
• No, it is far too early to talk about the future. How about the cinema on Friday?
• You are moving far too fast. Jog on, pal.
• You don't want to see me in public? Goodbye.

You are allowed to say any (or none) of those things. You are also allowed to have your own opinions about how the relationship might progress rather than waiting for the man to set the terms and then reacting to them.

You have taken this latest chap wanting to get serious as a sign that he is genuine rather than a sign that he is not genuine. It sounds like he picked up on your desperation, used you for a shag for a while, and then dumped you when you became too clingy. That's the reality.

If you don't learn from this, you will be in exactly the same position in your next relationship. Except worse, because by then you will be even more desperate to be in a relationship. And scumbags can smell desperation a mile off.

i am older than people on this thread-not by that much but it feels like a hundred years.
IN MY DAY [old gimmer emotion] there wasn't tis constant need for contact.
I am sitting here thinking 'you spoke to him on tuesday-it's only friday-why is everyone saying he is ghosting, being an arsehole etc'

I have been married for 20 years and when my dh and i were going out together, we only saw each other at weekends for about two years. we spoke on the phone maybe once a week [a payphone we had to queue up to use!] and we wrote letters/sent postcards.

If i thought i'd been dumped because there'd been no contact for a couple of days he'd have thought me a bunny boiler.

I know things are different now with instant communication but maybe it needn't be so different. maybe the constant texting etc that people expect means there isn't a proper getting to know you period, that intimacy is forced along too quickly etc

spending christmas with the family is something you do after a year or two surely?

If you constantly speak with someone through the day then what do you talk about when you go on a date?

Maybe you should stop angsting and giving it/him headroom? Turn your gadgets off and go out and do something fun and interesting- go out with friends, do some sport, go to the cinema or the theatre.

You become a more attractive person when you are independent and interesting.

kidnapped is bang on with this

Also if you keep going down this route you're going to really struggled finding a relationship where you can settle down and be happy in a loving, genuine relationship.

How are you doing today OP? You've gone awfully quiet

This has happened to me more than once over the last 30 odd years, and it's happened several times to my friends too. Some people CAN just switch it off like that, honestly without a backward glance.

It feels shit, i remember it.

But - and again, not to sound patronising - when the person is right for you, there is none of this angst. They call when they say they will and you have no fear of them not replying to texts etc.

Save yourself the bother, just don't message him ever again. It's really fucking difficult and hurtful I know, but it's the only way.

There's not really a whole lot to say. I still haven't heard from him. I am gutted because I had fully intended to go into the new year single and happy but instead I went into it with a boyfriend who I was really happy with who now has went AWOL on me. I'm going to go down to his house at the end of the weekend to get my stuff, ask him what's going on and just accept that whatever will be, will be

Every day he would message and call. Always apologetic if he was late replying. Visited when he said he would. Then BAM! Distant

Have you changed the password? Sorry if you've answered that already.

Bless you OP. It's the confusion I think is hardest to cope with. If there's one emotion that I would get rid of in a relationship setting, it's confusion. It's not you, though. Just take a deep breath and move on.

OP, his initials aren't JD are they??

Only ask because this sounds like my ex....if it's the same person, run, run fast!

Forget about your stuff, you can buy more!

If it's not then still run....there's no way if he likes you, he'd ignore you this long.

When I was ill, all I wanted was someone to look after me, not push them away.

I know you said whatever will be, will be... but do you honestly think it's worth trying to talk to him? ( genuinely asking )

Here's one for you, so you go round to get your clothes, he apologises to you for being an ignorant twat and wants to continue the relationship... what do you do?

Remember everything we've all said and told you and what you'd be setting yourself up for

Its horrible and I know you're upset, you said you planned to walk into the new year single and happy, we're only 6 days in,you can still do that.

I think I know what you'd do in that situation,but you binned someone off for messing with you, he's only going to continue to do the same

Oh dear, I do understand how confusing this incomprehensible behaviour is. I've experienced this from someone I was briefly involved. What an education it was. Turns out he was a narcissist.

All the red flags as far as I can see;

• rushing intimacy: 'I love you', meeting the family, intense 'lovebombing' to hook you in. He's never been so happy, you're the one etc

• future faking; talking about moving in after a month, meeting his family. Again this is to hook you in.

• hot/cold behaviour toward you.

• ex in the past who has really hurt him, so you feel sympathy for him. You won't be like her.

• suddenly drops off the face of earth, withdrawing leaving you confused and hurt. Where is the man who was saying he loved you?

Need I go on? I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Perhaps it could be an opportunity to look at why you so easily allowed him to dictate the parameters of the relationship and why you gave up your happy (as you say) single status.

I really hope I'm not coming across as overly harsh, I'm only speaking from my own experience of coming across this kind of man. What I took from that experience is that I'd never put myself in that position again, even though it felt so intoxicating at the time.
I learnt that intensity doesn't equal love.

Absolutely this ^^

Nobody is coming across as harsh and you all make so many valid points. It's just sort of hit me really hard as I wasn't expecting it. I don't know what I'll gain from seeing him face to face (or even if I will because he lives with his mum) but I'll deal with that at the time. In my eyes it's worth one try and if he does this again, I will not put up with it. I made myself really sick in my last relationship and refuse to feel like that again.

I think they call this love-bombing these days OP.

It happened to me once, when I was about your age, and it was so upsetting. I was introduced to a man by some friends, we got on well, and started seeing eachother. He was so keen, really liked me, seemed to see wonderful things in me that no one else had - and of course I fell for him, because he made me feel like I was amazing (and that's a pretty irresistible feeling).

Then after 2 months we had a phone call in which I sensed a shift, and 2 days later he dumped me. I was totally stunned, really hadn't seen it coming. And I was sad, because when the person who appears to "know" how great you are suddenly doesn't want you, it makes you feel like crap.

Anyway I bounced back pretty quickly, after the initial kick to my ego. But we stayed friends, as he was part of my larger friendship group. Over the next few years I watched him do exactly the same thing to a succession of women. It was clearly his way of doing things - he wanted his relationships to work out, so he put his heart and soul into them, trying to convince himself each time that this was "the one", then backing off when he realised it wasn't.

I think this may be what your guy is doing. It's really really painful at the time, makes you feel dreadful about yourself, confused and powerless - but the pain will be short-lived I'm sure.

You still sound very passive.

I had this happen to me once OP so you're not the only one.

The difference was, being quite cynical and pessimistic myself i saw the writing was on the wall quite early and accepted it was over, and sent him a message basically saying I assume we're over which I think helped him to get back in touch as he didn't have to have the 'it's over' chat (well he did but I already told him I knew) which is why they go quiet on you, and then stay quiet because they're basically avoiding the doing the dumping bit.

I do understand the need for closure however.

Would you consider a similar approach ie message him to say you assume you're no longer an item, when can you come and pick up your stuff?

The worst thing about these types if interactions I found is that it leaves you really questioning yourself and doubting your own reality. It also really triggers all your own fears and insecurities. I don't know if you have found that to be true for you OP. The anxiety I felt was off the scale! I do hear you, it's very painful.

therootoftheroot That's not really the point, though. Sure, there are plenty of people who don't text every day. I've dated guys whom I texted every three days and guys whom I texted practically every hour, depending on what felt like 'the norm' for that particularly relationship. There's no specific frequency of messages which makes someone either distant or a bunny boiler, and I don't think it's especially dependent on your age either.

What IS confusing and unfair is when you get used to hearing from someone every day, that becomes the status quo for that relationship, and then that suddenly and inexplicably changes. If you love someone you don't cut contact with them, knowing it will worry them, without giving any explanation. All he had to do was say 'I'm not going to be in touch for the next few days because of XYZ, but everything's fine and I promise I'll speak to you at the weekend'.

OP, I'm thinking of you.

Mintychoc, mine was after two months too and I sensed something in a call... followed by days of silence.

I've had a few relationships falter at the two month mark - even my husband who I've been with for 7 years now had a little wobble after two months, he admitted later he was having doubts at that time (being slightly commitment phobic) but luckily we pulled through.

What are you talking about giving him another chance? He doesn't deserve one.

And if you let it go once then they think "brilliant, I can do what I want and she'll put up with it."

This is your ex all over again, it's just a different approach.

You need to find the strength and belief to be able to say "I deserve better than to be treated like this, so I will not tolerate this. If you think it's ok to treat me like this once, that's one time too many."