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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he being distant or am I just overthinking?

999 replies

shenry25 · 05/01/2017 11:47

I met a guy at the start of December and we were talking every night on the phone and we then met up for a date the next weekend. He ended up staying at mine for a few days and even met my mum and brother in that time. He then came down the day before Christmas eve to visit. After this his mum invited me for Boxing Day dinner with the family which was lovely and we all got on great. From Boxing Day until Monday past, we were with each other everyday and things were great. We are officially in a relationship (on Facebook too), have said I love you (he said it first), met each other's families, have them on Facebook and I'm so happy and he said he is too. He started acting distant on Monday before I left. He was meant to be coming down to mine for a few days but then he said he had work so he couldn't. He's also had an extremely sore back and ear for the last week too so I can understand his mood not being great. He text me on Tuesday afternoon to say he has been drifting in and out of sleep because of the painkillers and he hopes I'm well and he loves me. That's the last I've heard from him. He hasn't been as active on Facebook as much either. I've sent two whatsapp messages and a snapchat and neither have even been read. I had to change my number and the two whatsapp messages were just to tell him and then I text him to ask how he was. I also tried to ring him last night because he was using my Netflix and I couldn't watch anything while he was. I don't know why he's being like this and I know I'm probably overthinking but I just wanted someone else's opinion.

OP posts:
Angleshades · 05/01/2017 20:48

Shenry it's about self preservation now. Put yourself first. No more waiting around for him. Call a friend. Or grab some chocolate out of the fridge and sit in front of a good movie, even if it's one that'll make you cry, it'll be good to get some emotion out.

Then tomorrow is the start of your new life where you start working on yourself and how you can start to feel happy by yourself. It'll take time but you will get there.

MsStricty · 05/01/2017 20:48

It won't make you feel better, no. It's an utterly shitty situation to be in, and it's bound to hurt. But it doesn't last - you will get over it. And you'll be stronger, and wiser.

Simplecountrygirl · 05/01/2017 20:49

You will feel crap for a while OP, that's inevitable unfortunately. But better you found out now a month or so in!

Try and take your mind off it, buy some films, a massive tub of Ben and jerrys and a good book for the weekend. Go out for some walks, try and catch up with a friend. Just keep occupied.

It's awful and I really sympathise, but if this really is the end then it's best to start learning to accept it and think of life without him again sooner rather than later

CakesRUs · 05/01/2017 20:49

But do you actually want to be with someone like this? You deserve better, if this is a few weeks on, imagine a year on. Honestly, he's not worth your sadness.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 05/01/2017 20:51

If you genuinely genuinely believe he's ill why did you start a thread asking if he's being distant ?

I think you know the answer , that's why you won't message his mum .

Original poster
shenry25 · 05/01/2017 20:52

I did message his mum. She said he wasn't sure if he'd be down this weekend

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 20:52

Oh sweet, nobody is expecting you to feel amazing after this!of course you're going to feel gutted,hurt and upset.

We've all been there, and it's the worst feeling ever! But stay strong, you'll pick yourself up and realise that you deserve more than this! You've been through this before, learn from it.

There are good guys out there, amazing and genuine ( I've yet to find one but I'm focusing on me and my little boy first) use this as a new start to focus on yourself, no man is worth this amount of effort and giving nothing back

You want to be happy right? You won't be with this guy, I promise you Flowers

TheGiantSausage · 05/01/2017 20:52

This is really rubbish for you and I really feel for you but at least get something positive out of it and learn from this experience, try not to rush into relationships... Too much intensity too quickly tends to die off just as quickly.
Take your time with people and don't let yourself be rushed into thinking you're in a loving relationship when actually, you're just dating and getting to know one another.
Flowers

Angleshades · 05/01/2017 20:58

Op I had one of these ridiculously fast relationships this summer myself that blew up just as badly in the end. It really does hurt at the time but now a few months on I feel absolutely great again. I've got so many plans for the summer and feel really excited about my future - without a man! I've realised I don't need to be with someone to be happy. It takes time to get to that place though.

You will get there op but you need to work through this rawness first. I'm betting that once he's realised you're giving him the cold shoulder he'll be back in touch. It's up to you to stay strong and not fall for it all again.

Ladygrinings0ul · 05/01/2017 20:59

I can't remember if you said you met this man on a dating site OP? As this seems to be a trend on tinder etc ..Not that it should matter as what he is doing to you is really shitty and clearly he hasn't got any balls ..
move on learn from it maybe don't fall so hard for somone next time be breezy !x

MadameJosephine · 05/01/2017 21:02

I did message his mum. She said he wasn't sure if he'd be down this weekend

Tbh I think id tell him not to bother. People treat you how you allow them to treat you and if I wouldn't be interested in continuing a relationship with someone who thinks he can get away with treating you like this after only a month. Remember, it's not just up to him whether this relationship continues.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 05/01/2017 21:03

Sorry Op Don't know how I missed that Blush

Gather your self respect and write him off . And if he does eventually contact you , don't you dare go back out with him

Kidnapped · 05/01/2017 21:12

The problem is that the OP really truly does want to be with someone like this. Because that would mean that she is In A Relationship. That means the world to her.

The exact same thing happened with her previous boyfriend who stopped replying to her and blocked her on Facebook. She responded to that by getting her mum to message him repeatedly. The OP was upset and devastated and her head was melted then also. That was in August.

I am actually feeling a bit sorry for these men now. I'd run a million miles away from someone so desperate and full-on. Maybe this guy feels he is owed a bit of Netflix after what he's been through.

You need to figure out how to change the pattern, OP.

And that lies entirely with you.

madgingermunchkin · 05/01/2017 21:14

It will hurt. But you need to learn to love and respect yourself enough to know what you are worth. And to not tolerate idiots like this.

No one can love and respect you if you don't love and respect yourself. Take up a hobby, join a gym, run a 10k/half marathon, travel, go to gigs. Learn to be happy by yourself.

Underthemoonlight · 05/01/2017 21:31

I agree with kidnapped, I did a search on your August post and a lot of the same stuff is happening here what you also did in that post. I get the impression you're maybe coming on full on in the relationship and they are backing off which your making worse by messaging him,calling and even messaging his own mother, in you're previous thread your own DM and cousin were involved. I think this is a combination of picking the wrong type of men and settling for an romantic view that you'll end up happy ever after relationship require a lot of time,commitment and work on both sides. I sense you lack confidence and self esteem. I think you need to be on your own find yourself before getting into a relationship. You're still young enjoy life.

WhiteStars · 05/01/2017 21:32

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here yes it was a bit full on and rushed but she doesn't deserve this ghosting, it's just cruel. OP I hope there's a reasonable explanation for this. If not try not to let it knock your self esteem. There are lovely genuine guys out there.

tiej · 05/01/2017 21:43

WhiteStars, have you found one of these "lovely genuine guys".

They're definitely an endangered species round these parts.

SparklyMagpie · 05/01/2017 21:43

Ahhh I havnt looked at OP'S previous threads but as soon as a couple of posters have mentioned the mother and cousin's messenging a previous ex, that rings a bell and also explains what's going on here

OP I think you need to blow this one off and work on yourself
We all crave love and affection but this is going about it the wrong way
Please leave him now, and focus on yourself, YOU ARE the one who's going to get hurt time and time again

WhiteStars · 05/01/2017 21:52

tiej

Yes I have and I'm very lucky- although I knew my fair share of tossers before then so feel I've paid my dues in some way! I never thought it would happen and it did.

RortyCrankle · 05/01/2017 22:07

Madgingermunchkin was so right when she said earlier It will hurt. But you need to learn to love and respect yourself enough to know what you are worth. And to not tolerate idiots like this. No one can love and respect you if you don't love and respect yourself.

I found this to be one of the most important lessons in life which would help you so much. And you know, not being in a relationship for a while is not the worst thing in the world. You can take the time to work on learning what's important to you, so you set the boundaries for your next relationship.

I hope you can let this man be part of your past and wish you the very best.

BoxingHelena · 05/01/2017 23:17

apologies for stepping with no comment on the main issue (plenty have spoken already) but with regard to whatsApp, the idea of looking at the ticks as they mean something its really naive
It is very easy to appear not to have read your messages and be using whatsApp. All its needed is to put the phone on airplane mode, read (ignore) and then connect again. Google it, its common knowledge (and I do it all the time)

madgingermunchkin · 05/01/2017 23:40

Or you can actually turn it off so that they don't turn blue when read.
You can also turn off your "last active" bit.

catlover1987 · 05/01/2017 23:45

OP, I have been there. What a shit. I hope you hear back from him to get some closure. You don't want to be with a guy who knows you will be worrying and doesn't care.

Richteadipped2 · 06/01/2017 00:00

Been there OP. It's horrible but it is totally his loss.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 06/01/2017 00:24

You say your BF is 29 but on your other post in August he was 31. You really don't know him very well at all. Hmm

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