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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

OP posts:
EggnoggAndMulledWine · 05/01/2017 00:06

You could always tell him you have screenshots of messages and profiles and pics etc and if he doesn't tell her you will (with you having no intention to). In the hope he will come clean or at least stop. Then block him completely from everything.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 05/01/2017 00:07

Twelfth, you specifically said that some of these men told you 'off the bat' that they were married, but you felt no compulsion to tell their wives. Why not? they are all strangers to you. Why does this particular wife 'deserve' to know more than the others?

You have been associating with men on a grubby website and seem surprised that it did not turn out well. As far as I can make out, you don't even have any solid evidence that he has been unfaithful to his wife, but you are hell bent on finding something.

You presumably didn't need a detective to find this unfortunate woman. How hard did you try to find the others? Not at all I suspect.

For goodness sake get over him and give him and his wife a chance to mend their fractured relationship.

Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 00:13

HoneyBee, since you seem to be a little hard of thinking I'll explain again.

The website was essentially anonymous. Do you understand that? A profile picture, a username, nothing to link to real life whether it be Facebook or anything else.

As previously mentioned I did not pursue further contact with anyone who said they were married or in a relationship. I didn't exchange numbers with them, for example. I just blocked and moved on.

I'm not some kind of vigilante setting out to lure men into a honey trap and tell as many spouses as possible.

What don't you get??

OP posts:
Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 00:17

And if you had actually read my posts you would see I'm not going to tell the wife anyway. You bizarre individual.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 05/01/2017 00:21

The hurt has been caused by her husband not you. You were fooled too. Tell his wife. It will obviously hurt her beyond measure but the more years she wastes living a lie only adds to the hurt. He is endangering her health. He is endangering his family life and children's life, not you. She may decide to forgive him but she deserves to know the truth. Send her links to the site. Draft and redraft your message. Show a friend or on here. Word it as carefully as possible. Say you know she has no reason to believe you and that the decision is with her on what to do with the info and that you haven't outed him to anyone else. Be clear that you didn't know and that you are not some scorned OW. She may not believe you. I know you haven't done anything wrong op but you say you cannot live with telling her but how can you live with not telling her. After see her profile, pics, life based on a lie. Good luck.

HecateAntaia · 05/01/2017 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 05/01/2017 00:26

Twelfth - I think I do get it. This man is different from the others, because you invested emotionally in what you thought was a promising relationship and he let you down. Am I right so far?

There is no fault in feeling angry and hurt. That is understandable, but don't kid yourself that telling his wife would be an act of altruism. She might very well want to know, but I don't think you are the person to tell her.

I am sorry for compounding your pain. I am glad you have decided not to tell his wife - for your sake not his. The sooner you can let this go the better you will heal.

Good luck. Flowers

Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 00:27

Do men ever stop of their own accord? Could he be just going through a very bad patch and seeking an outlet in the wrong place?

Clearly I haven't left the thread Blush. I should be sleeping.

OP posts:
HoneyBeeMum1 · 05/01/2017 00:32

He might be twelfth, but he doesn't deserve another moment of your thoughts.

Sleep tight and dream of happier times...

Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 00:32

Honey - you are right that I was, to an extent, emotionally involved and of course I was upset and angry when I found out. That was the beginning of November though and I really don't feel that anymore. It's his family I can't stop thinking about Sad. Well, I can stop but it niggles at me that it's happening. As I mentioned earlier my dad had an affair, more than one actually, so if I'm emotionally involved maybe that's where it comes from.

Still don't think I'll say anything though.

OP posts:
Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 00:33

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2017 00:50

Do men ever stop of their own accord?

Some do, some don't. Some are all about the 'thrill' of infidelity and cheat because it builds their ego. Those don't stop, ever. Some cheat because they are unhappy in their relationships and are too cowardly to leave. Those stop if they leave the unhappy marriage and find the right person.

blessedmummyov5 · 05/01/2017 01:39

He will get caught eventually n wen he does the wife will wish she had found out sooner rather than living a lie .....so tell her ....... I would set up a new email and a new face book with different name etc n msg her that way , then no way of it trailing bk to you , hate scum that get away with cheating !

WigbertYak · 05/01/2017 02:42

I would want to know if I were his wife, even if you were only telling me to make yourself feel better or to get revenge on him.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 06:41

Do men ever stop of their own accord?

Not ones like him who set out to seek sex.

All I can say, is I'd want to know if it was my husband. Lord knows what he's exposing her to.

Motherfuckers · 05/01/2017 07:12

I think Honeybee has a point, you don't seem to want to tell his wife for her benefit, you want revenge. Why are you stalking them? (searching for her on Facebook and still knowing what he is up to...) You are coming across as creepy and over invested.

Livelovebehappy · 05/01/2017 07:34

Have to say I agree with some of the points Honeybee makes. I've been on dating sites myself, and have to say they're full of the 'good, the bad and the ugly'. You will of course get people on these sites who are in relationships, and you just weed them out and move on. I would always tell the wife/partner if I was personally invested in them, i.e. Friend or family, and found out their OH was a cheat or lurking on dating sites, but certainly wouldn't invest time and energy in letting someone know, who I had never met, that her partner was a potential cheat.

Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 07:40

Just to reiterate, I'm not telling the wife.

OP posts:
Magrijade · 05/01/2017 08:27

Have you not got enough of your own shit to deal with? Lol, stalking him and his "Mrs" on social media...you two didn't even do the deed. Leave well alone!!

Jesus if I tried to right all the wrongs I knew about...I'd have no life!!

Twelfthnighteve · 05/01/2017 08:40

Just to reiterate, I'm not telling his wife.

OP posts:
InfoFreako · 05/01/2017 09:54

I think the OP is making the right decision and the one she's happiest with.

It's a case of damned if you do & damned if you don't.

Sometimes it's a case of 'ignorance is bliss' (rightly or wrongly).

There would be mayhem if all spouses / partners knew the complete truth about their other halves. Unfortunately cheating has and always will happen and partners being blissfully unaware.

Cheers

loveyoutothemoon · 05/01/2017 09:57

You say that he doesn't know where you live and that you don't personally know her. Why set up a fake profile? Just do it from your own. She'd be more likely to believe a genuine looking profile. She deserves to know. It's then her choice to decide what to do. She has a right to that choice.

thorninyourside · 05/01/2017 11:35

Honeybee seriously stop trolling Twelfthnight. You are judgementally offensive

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