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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

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Adora10 · 04/01/2017 18:34

This is more common that you think, there are so many bloody online sites, everything is just a tap away!

I really don't see what is wrong in you being honest with this lady, what she does with that information is up to her and yes even folk I know who have been given evidence STILL choose to believe it was either a spur of the moment madness or they choose to disbelieve. Both in my book are wrong and the cheater just carries on.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:34

Prawn I totally see your point there. I would look like a psycho wouldn't I? But I'm not trying to insert myself, this is something he's doing to her.

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AddToBasket · 04/01/2017 18:36

Don't. It will have consequences and you don't know what those will be. Will she throw herself under a bus? Get so distraught that it distracts their DC from vital exams which change their life chances? Will he get violent?

Probably not. But do you really want to be in any way connected with these and other miserable possiblities?

Stay out of it and consider it a life lesson.

stumblymonkey · 04/01/2017 18:37

I would want to know personally rather than spend the rest of my life with this twat.

Personally I'd consider setting up a fake FB profile and letting her know anonymously including which site(s) he's on and a link to his profiles and advise her to investigate it for herself before she confronts him.

Loaferloveforyou · 04/01/2017 18:38

This happened to me. I told the wife but he told her I was some crazy he worked with. I never thought to take pics or screen shots as evidence (was a brief 1 month thing so seemed too early to be taking selfies). By the time I went back to his online profile he had changed it.

I guess she didn't believe me as they are married with 2 kids now but that's her look out. I probably wasn't the first, and probably not the last.

I told her because I was angry but at the time told myself it was due to some kid of sister solidarity.

As someone said before, you will get plenty of fors and againsts but ultimately it's up to you but do it for the right reasons.

If he has for this he probably has an excuse ready rehearsed in his head though.

Do you think his wife might know about this and be ok with it?

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:38

Part of me thinks if I do tell her it would just be unkind. What if their marriage is a good one in other ways? What if she can't bear to leave him but never trusts him or feels happy with him in the future? I would have destroyed her peace of mind and there's every chance they'll 'work it out' Hmm. He's manipulative.

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Adora10 · 04/01/2017 18:38

Add to Basket has made a good point actually so I'm not entirely sure, either way if you do, don't feel guilty for telling someone the truth; we'd all want to know if your partner was taking the complete piss and he is doing it big style.

I'd be surprised if she threw herself under a bus, most people who find out their partner have cheated do not take extreme reactions like that.

All the time he is out having sex with randoms, he's putting her health at risk.

Simonneilsbeard · 04/01/2017 18:39

That's such a tricky one because on one hand if I was the wife I would absolutely want to know.
On the other hand I hate to be the bearer of news that would devastate another woman.

If he's still active on the site can you link his profile to her or screenshot and send it?

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:40

I also doubt she would do anything that drastic. Of course she'd be deeply upset though Sad

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Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:41

I know Simmone, it feels like an impossible dilemma. Maybe I'll just forget it. I don't want to be the bad guy.

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Notwhatiexpected · 04/01/2017 18:41

I don't agree with all the people saying don't tell her, that his behaviour isn't your problem.

That to me is wrong, if you saw someone hurting someone or stealing, committing fraud etc, you wouldn't do nothing b cause it is complicated and easier.
And he made you, unwittingly and unwillingly, complicit in this mistreatment of his wife.

What they decide to do is not anyone's business, but yes, tell her.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:43

Notwhatiexpected that's exactly the argument in my mind. By the same token, if I saw someone stealing I wouldn't round up a vigilante mob though.

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Doowappydoo · 04/01/2017 18:44

Tricky tricky, I can see both sides of the argument which is not especially helpful I know. I think if I felt it would def have no consequences for me I might be inclined to send a FB message telling her. It is galling that he can continue with his shitty dangerous behaviour without consequences and I think I want someone to tell me if I was the wife.

The problem is that she may well want to contact you to either ask questions or abuse you - or he may. You could be opening a massive messy can of worms. Even if you block there are ways of contacting or finding people. I am sure someone else we be along in a second to give a far more articulate view but certainly don't do anything in haste.

Aoibhe · 04/01/2017 18:45

Stay out of it. I'd be concerned for your safety, if he were to know that you told her.

If you tell her anonymously, he'll deny it and she will think there's someone out there with a grudge against her, or she'll go insane not knowing whether or not to believe it.

bettybookam · 04/01/2017 18:46

I would definitely want to know.. Maybe you can make a new email and message her that way.. As if he is messing with other people you could be any of them.. Xx

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:47

The children are on my mind too. This could mess up their childhood. But my dad had an affair and my sister found out about it - she read a whole load of very explicit emails between them. I'm sure he's careful but there's also the risk of something like that happening if it's not dealt with. Maybe I'm coming up with an overdramatic scenario there but I know someone else where the same thing happened. Secrets have a way of coming out unexpectedly. What if she finds out after he's been doing it for years? Now he's started he's unlikely to stop, it seems like a bit of an addiction to him almost and he wants certain things sexually that I would guess he's not getting at home.

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0dfod · 04/01/2017 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1483104950 · 04/01/2017 18:48

This is a hard one. If it was me I would want to know - most definitely. But like others of said, IRS not your battle.

I was in a similar situation, an ex wanted to take me away for a nice weekend. Turns out he had a new gf. I spent about 2 hours writing her a message to send through FB but when it came to actually sending it, I couldn't do it. I didn't do it and now I'm glad. It's not my place to say anything.

They are still together as far as I know but I'm sure he will try cheat on her again if he hasn't already. And I'm sure he will get found out too.

I would leave it tbh x

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:50

Safety wise, he has my mobile number but that's all. He doesn't know my address, he doesn't have any other way of contacting me. I think I'd be pretty difficult to find. But I only have Facebook as an option for contacting her, I don't have an email address. A fake profile might be an option but then I'd need a fake picture??

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bettybookam · 04/01/2017 18:55

Yes I agree with Odfod.. Maybe send a short message then just block both so they can't contact you.. Xx

HappyJanuary · 04/01/2017 18:56

Everyone saying it's not your battle is right, but telling her is still the decent thing to do.

What woman is told that her dh has been serially unfaithful, is actively online looking for sex, and says she'd rather have been kept in the dark?

Yes you'll ruin her happiness, but her happiness is built on sand and when she inevitably finds out, how many more years will she have wasted?

Send what information you have, then leave well alone. She may come back blaming you or angry, but the seed will have been sown.

user1483104950 · 04/01/2017 18:56

If you are going to tell her, I really think you need to prepare yourself for the emotions that will go with it. It's going to make you much more involved in all this and probably take you a while to get over it all. It's a big thing what you are going to do. I'd just have that in your head and prepare yourself for any messages you might get back off his wife. She already have suspicions of what her dh is like but on the other hand she might be absolutely clueless. Just prepare yourself for a bit of backlash if you do decide to tell her x

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/01/2017 18:57

Hi Twelfth, I know that you are trying to do the right thing, and that's honourable, but you can't really trust anything, that the lying cheat told you.
Put it down to experience, and walk away.
Nobody knows what goes on, behind closed doors.

IronNeonClasp · 04/01/2017 18:59

I agree with Happy January - perhaps the wife is unhappy too and looking for a reason to leave him.

CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 18:59

If it's through Facebook and you don't have an actual connection to her, she's very unlikely to get the message. Those type of messages tend to get sent to a place that you actively have to search for.
Alternately; set up a false Facebook account just for this purpose, send a friend request and wait for the inevitable 'do I know you?' reply. Then tell her.

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