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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

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Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 19:01

I did this a few years and he reported me to the Police for harassment. They didn't take any action but they still came round to 'have a chat' and told me if I contacted him or his wife again I could be arrested.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:06

I'm coming back to 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. I'm not sure I can handle doing something like this.

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AgathaF · 04/01/2017 19:08

I think she should be told. He's taking risks with her sexual health, he's betraying her trust. It may be that she suspects but is tying herself in knots because she doesn't have the truth.

Give her the choice of staying or going, but with the facts to make an informed decision.

Also, tell her kindly.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:08

Fallonjamie really? That's a bit scary. They could well close ranks I guess. When my dad had an affair the OW ended up with a restraining order against her. My parents are still together, not very happily. But how could one message constitute harassment? I definitely don't want to tell her if I could be exposing myself to that.

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TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 19:10

I'd steer well clear of doing anything like that. His word against yours & he'll just manipulate her into thinking you're batshit like he manipulated you into thinking he was avaliable

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:12

TheNaze I do have a headshot of him clearly lounging naked in bed. That's the only evidence though as I deleted other pictures and messages when I found out he was married. Is there a way of retrieving them on an iPhone?

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CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 19:12

Might be in your deleted items folder in photos

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:16

The photo I do have is his profile picture on a messaging app that I'd imagine she doesn't know he has on his phone. I think the fact that it's such an obvious 'Casanova' pose on a messaging service is pretty damning in itself but not the strongest evidence perhaps.

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DaisyQueen · 04/01/2017 19:17

I would want to know if I was her. I would create a fake facebook profile, explain all and tell her what site you met on times and dates and let her decide what she does from there. That way you remain anonymous and she has all info needed

Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 19:21

One message doesn't constitute harassment but two do so the Police warned me of that before it happened. And his wife was extremely distressed and angry (because I was of course just some crazy tart he'd had a drunken fumble with who wanted revenge) and she wanted me to be spoken to and told to fuck off I think. And why would she believe me? He's the one she lives with, trusts, loves and thinks she knows inside out.

And I think now it was an awful thing that I did to her. I thought I was in the right but now think just how upsetting it must have been to receive a message from a stranger who doesn't want to engage with you or answer questions, just drop a bomb in your life and walk away and block and feel self-righteous. I can't imagine how sick and angry she felt and I would never do it again.

Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 19:23

DO NOT SEND naked pictures of him - that will be defined as revenge porn.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:23

@AnyFucker you always give good advice. Can you tell me what you think?

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Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:24

Fallonjamie Sad

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Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:25

And thanks for saying that, you're right. It could be viewed that way. Could just head and bare shoulders be construed as revenge porn?

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Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 19:26

No I don't think so but I really would leave it if I was you. Your decision though.

Cantthinkofanynewnames · 04/01/2017 19:28

I would worry that the fallout would come back on yourself. The wife is likely to misplace anger on to you even though logically it's not your fault. If you really wanted to tell her then the anonymous profile thing, but no pictures

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2017 19:31

My philosophy is 'tell and let her do as she will'. All you are doing is providing her with information. Keep it factual, provide what info you have such as how to find his profile and/or screen shots (obvs nothing porno) and make no suggestions as to what you would do in her place or what you think she should do. It will be up to her to ignore or confront him.

statetrooperstacey · 04/01/2017 19:31

Leave this well alone, no good will come of it. How are you so sure she has no idea?

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:44

I think I will leave it. It's really not my problem and I can't bear to think of upsetting someone that much and possibly it coming back to bite me in the arse as well. Too much of a potential mess. I feel really bad for her though Sad.

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Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 19:57

I could contact a (female) friend of his though, and ask her what she thinks. Is that a mad idea?

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Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 20:05

Yes! Just leave it honestly.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 20:06

Thanks. I'm going to forget it. I hope things work out ok for her.

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user1483104950 · 04/01/2017 20:35

I agree. You need to think of yourself on this one. If you tell, who knows what impact this could have on your life. It's not worth it. She will no doubt find out one day anyway. You clearly have a good heart but save it for someone who deserves it x

HappyJanuary · 04/01/2017 20:45

A single anonymous message is unlikely to have much impact on your life op.

Why not be the person who does the right thing just because it's the right thing?

Maybe his wife does deserve your good heart; I wish someone had told me.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 20:57

HappyJanuary, I'm not sure she will see it that way.

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