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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I tell his wife?

173 replies

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 18:05

I need some advice about a situation, I'm going to keep it slightly vague on the odd chance that someone involved reads this (unlikely I know) but basically I had a 'situation' recently with a man I subsequently found out was married. Actually he told me he was separated and I believed him until I came across some information which led to me finding out. We never actually had sex but he definitely would have and during the time I knew him (I've since stopped contact) he told me about a few other encounters he'd had. I'd met him on a website that was basically geared towards sex I'm embarrassed to say, so this wasn't such an odd thing for him to tell me.

This was a little while ago but I can't shake off the question of whether I should tell his wife. I've found her on Facebook (which feels intrusive in itself) and could send a message but then I would lose my anonymity so I'm anxious about doing that.

On the one hand I feel she has a right to know he deliberately went looking for sex over an extended period of time. On the other hand I hate the thought of ruining someone's happiness, and they have children too who would be affected.

There's no connection between us so I'm not worried about it having consequences for me (obviously I genuinely had no idea but wouldn't want what happened to become common knowledge).

He's still at it, too (I won't say how I know).

Please advise me on what to do.

OP posts:
deadringer · 04/01/2017 22:46

I would want to know. Sending a link to his profile sounds like a good idea

NarcsBegone · 04/01/2017 22:49

Tell her, she may well already have suspicions and could be driving herself mad. Send one message with everything you have as proof, let her know a few dates you met that she might click with, tell her about the evidence you found that helped you figure out he was married. Tell her you're so sorry but really didn't know, assure her you will not be in the picture. It enables her to make a choice. Then block everything everywhere to do with either of them.

Obsidian77 · 04/01/2017 22:50

I would want to know.
Could you print out the screenshot, write on it "he told me he's single" and post it to her anonymously via snail mail? Then delete and block.

thorninyourside · 04/01/2017 22:53

I would want to know to but speaking from experience as someone who is honest and always tries to do the right thing it doesn't necessarily work out like you might hope and your motives can be twisted and this guy has all the potential to be nasty. All I'm saying is be decent, so the right thing but don't be naive or idealistic as to how it might turn out. Just be prepared for what could happen. People generally don't like the truth unfortunately.

thorninyourside · 04/01/2017 22:54

Sorry 'do' the right thing not 'so'

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 22:54

I agree Joysmum.

The 'what if the wife throws herself under a bus' post cuts both ways. What if one of the children find out, as the OP's sister, or an exbf of mine - it will fuck up their childhood. What if the wife contracts HIV or has an untreated STI like gonorrhoea for example which can result in PID, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, long term abdominal pain.

Every single consequence is entirely the responsibility of the cheat.

If fewer people were prepared to cover up for men who cheat or abuse their partners, fewer would be free to wreck peoples' lives.

Joysmum · 04/01/2017 22:54

But in giving the wife the knowledge, you are empowering her to make her own choices, even if her choice is different to what you'd have done. Even if she isn't ready to end it, she can raise her guard and not give as much of herself to him and protect herself better within the relationship until such time as she might leave.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 22:56

Thorn - you think I should tell her then?

I don't have strong enough evidence to be honest, it would be my word against his. I have a screenshot from a messaging app - a very very flirty looking picture. It's hardly proof is it?

How can I protect myself anyway? A PP had the police call round to warn her about harassment. It's actually a bit scary. I can't be anonymous on Facebook and the thought of going to the trouble of making a fake profile, it's like something out of a bad film. I just don't know.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 22:59

Anecdotally, from this thread it doesn't seem like telling the wife tends to turn out that well though

What that really means is that cheating doesn't turn out well.

Fwiw, I know a couple of people who were informed of their partners' cheating - one by a friend and one anonymously, and both were glad to know. One suspected it but had no proof, the other had no idea.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:02

Lionel, I understand what you're saying but I have to think of myself too. I don't want to be abused, I don't want to be accused of harassment. I'm quite an anxious person and that really really worries me. I'm putting myself at risk if I get in contact aren't I? Cheating doesn't end well but I don't want to get caught up in it, reading this thread has made me realise I could be vulnerable.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:03

I wouldn't use anything that is specific to you. So use his profile pic on the forum, link to his profile.

What she does with it is entirely up to her. She may use the lack of hard fact as a reason not to believe it, or she could be driving herself crazy thinking he's up to something and this will confirm her suspicions.

Itsnottheendoftheworld · 04/01/2017 23:04

I would want to know. please tell her.

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:05

But I can only contact her through Facebook, it's not anonymous, and I'm not that tech savvy so I'm not sure how I'd cover my tracks. Plus it feels so odd.

OP posts:
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:05

Also it's just a screenshot to a profile picture on a messaging app. Not an app or a forum or dating site or anything like that.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:06

It's very easy to set up a FB profile. Or do you have his home address? Can you post it?

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:08

And just use a random picture of a tree or something as a profile picture? I suppose I could do that. It links to an email address though doesn't it, I'd have to set up a new email too Confused

OP posts:
Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:09

No I don't have his home address.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:09

I think a profile pic on a messaging app is fine. It would alert her to its existence, and she may be able to read for herself what he's up to.

Do you not have access to his profile on the hookup website?

Twelfthnighteve · 04/01/2017 23:10

I'm not on there anymore and I don't think I could find him tbh.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:11

It takes 5 mins to set up a hotmail and about another 5 to set up a Facebook profile. About the same time it would take to type a letter and post it.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:12

Fair enough.

BelarusianDoll · 04/01/2017 23:16

Stay out of it. To tell his wife would be quite cruel in my opinion. Maybe you are looking for revenge, but resist this urge. Move on.

LionelRitchieAndTheWardrobe · 04/01/2017 23:17

Ultimately you have to make the choice that you feel comfortable with. What I would do, what other posters would do is irrelevant.

Fallonjamie · 04/01/2017 23:20

Making new email accounts to make fake on-line accounts - does that really feel like doing the right thing? Or does it sound a bit weird and sinister?

LilithTheKitty · 04/01/2017 23:21

I would want to know. I could have been saved a lot of heartache in the past if I had been told instead of having to wonder and stress about odd behaviour until he slipped up and I found out.